It was pandemonium as a crash cart was rushed into John's room and the numbers of doctors and nurses swelled as they worked furiously on their patient. Marlena, already emotionally drained from the events of the night before and the subsequent waiting, sagged against Gene and he helped her to one of the chairs against the wall. She never peeled her eyes from John's room as he sat her down in the seat and put his arm around her. Taking her small, cold hand in his, he squeezed it. She shivered but still, her eyes were fixed on where they were working on John, trying to restart his heart, trying to bring him back to the family that loved him.
Roman made his way to where Sami was standing against the wall, also staring at the unabating motion that surrounded John.
"Peanut?" he asked gently, trying to gauge her feelings toward him. She said nothing, just continued to stare at John's prone body. "Sami," Roman tried again, "Sami, would you please talk to me?"
"And what would you have me say Daddy?" she asked bitterly, still refusing to look at him. "I mean I don't know why you want *me* to talk. After all, you haven't been too eager to talk to me for the last oh, how many years has it been now?" She crossed her arms in front of her, hiding her clenched fists and the nails that dug into her palms, focussing her on staying in control.
"Sami, I think you know that wasn't entirely my fault," Roman leaned against the wall next to her and stared at ICU 7 along with the rest of his family.
"No-one forced you to leave did they?" her voice was low, as though her teeth were gritted.
"No," Roman shook his head. What more could he say?
"And when you *did* come back, you didn't have any time for me either."
"Your mother needed me Sami, she's been going through a very tough time." Roman could feel the pain of rejection in her voice, the abandonment she felt and her own rejection of him. And it hurt him more than he expected. He guessed this was how Marlena and John must have felt for all those years, the hostility and anger seemingly inflexible, as Sami withheld her forgiveness.
"What about all the times that she needed you when you *weren't* here?" Sami asked angrily. "What about all the times that Carrie needed you, that *I* needed you? Where were you then?" When Roman said nothing, Sami turned to him, her eyes vividly indigo. "That man in there," she pointed at John's room, "has always been there for me, even though I pushed him away time and time again. He has been a father to me, he has loved me when most people would have walked away." Her eyes were filling with stinging tears and she cursed herself for her own weakness. "I *worshipped* you. I would have done *anything* for you. But it wasn't good enough for you was it? You still didn't love us enough to *stay*."
Roman shook his head, not knowing what to say to his anguished daughter. She was right of course, and there was no excuse. But nothing could ever make up for what she had lost, the innocence, the love, and the time. There were no magic words that he could utter that would bring that back for her, just as there were none for Carrie.
The tears spilled from Sami's eyes and she shook her head desolately before she turned and ran back down the corridor. Roman looked after her miserably.
"Give her some time dear," his mother's soft voice sounded beside him. "She's got to express her anger at you before she can begin to deal with it."
"But I've hurt her so much," Roman said in a whisper. "She's right, I should have been here for them. For all of you."
"Well, tell *her* that Roman," Caroline suggested. "I think she needs to hear it."
******
"Dammit John!" Mike ran his finger through his shortly cropped blonde hair. "Don't do this. Don't give up *now*. Your family needs you. *Marlena* needs you." A pretty blonde nurse pushed past him and injected the prescribed dose into John's IV.
And still the monotonous squeal from the monitor above John's bed droned out its steady tone.
******
John.
The gentle voice is familiar, but John cannot place it. Slowly, he opens his eyes. It is still an encroaching blackness that surrounds him.
Where are you? he calls bewilderedly. He turns around again and then there is a light. Faint at first, it begins to grow, the beauty and purity of it almost blinding him.
Here.
******
One clamped fist pressed against Marlena's mouth, her brow furrowed into deep grooves as she watched intently the action behind the plate of glass. It was almost as though she was willing him to survive. Which in truth, she was.
It wasn't a logical thought, it was one borne of sheer desperation, and a deep emotional bond that they still shared. It was as if by the sheer force of her will, Marlena felt she could somehow reach John, make him understand that she needed him, that their children needed him. She would fight, she would do anything to bring John back, the same way he once had for her.
It helped, to feel as though she was doing something that John might recognize. And it helped her to push aside the terrifying thought that this could well be John's final battle, that she could lose him at any moment. The thought of never seeing him again, never hearing his voice, never feeling his arms around her and his breath on her face was as frightening now as it had been the night she had gone to him on the plane, all those years ago. However much she had tried to convince herself otherwise, she still loved him desperately. She could never stop loving him. He was her other half, her soulmate, and she could *not* let him die without knowing how much she loved him.
Shrugging away Gene's arm, she pushed herself from the chair and walked to the window, as if in a trance. Reaching it, she gently touched the tips of her fingers to the glass and watched John's face.
John, hear me. You have to hear me. *Please* don't leave me now. I can't do this without you. I love you so much, I can't even imagine my life without you. I don't *want* to imagine my life without you. John, I need you. Our *babies* need you. Please, you have to *fight*, the way you made me fight.
******
Gabe. John stares at him, unable to comprehend the angel's appearance. Gabe, what's happening? Why are you here? Where is this place?
John, it is time for you to make a choice. Gabe steps forward, his soft, lilting voice wrapping around John, bringing him peace and calm.
Choice?
The most important choice you will ever make. Gabe places his hand benevolently on John's shoulder and John feels a profound joy and love flow through him. He has known such a feeling but twice before in his life and this time he wants with all his being to take a hold of it and never let it go. He is waiting for you John. Gabe smiles with a kindness and serenity that John has never seen in a mortal face. It is your choice.
******
A single, heartbroken tear tumbled down her cheek as Marlena watched Mike prepare to shock John into life.
Inside the room, a tear slipped from underneath John's closed eyelid and rolled, unnoticed, off his cheek, disappearing invisibly on the stark white pillow below him.
******
Marlena felt her pulse leap as Mike made his way out of the room, his weary face telling no tale but that he had suffered a long and trying day. She bit her lip as he made his way toward her, trying not to let her feelings show.
"He's still with us," Mike nodded exhaustedly, unable to lie to her. "We managed to drag him back, but Marlena, he's so weak. I'm not sure if he could withstand another resuscitation."
Marlena felt her relief immediately swallowed up with apprehension.
"Do you think this might happen again?" she asked in a wavering voice.
"I really don't know," Mike looked grim. "It's pretty much up to John now. If he *really* wants to pull through, he will."
He looked at Marlena's pale face and slid his arm around her shoulder.
"C'mon, I think we should get you back to your room. You need your rest too."
"No," Marlena shook her head, turning to look at John again through the glass. A nurse was busying herself writing on a chart next to his bedside, but John himself was deathly still. "He needs me Mike. I have to stay near him." She looked at her friend with pleading eyes. "Can I sit with him for a while? Please?"
"Over my dead body." The grating voice came from behind her and Marlena felt her heart sink. In the panic and trepidation over John's condition, she had almost forgotten Kristen. Almost. Gritting her teeth, she steeled herself to deal with the hated DiMera.
"If anyone is sitting with John, it will be *me*," Kristen clutched at her ungainly belly as Marlena slowly turned around. "After all, I *am* having his baby and he *is* my fiancée. And you," she sneered at Marlena, "you're nothing more than a has-been; a pit-stop along the way."
"Is that so?" Marlena answered in a dangerously low voice.
"You *know* it is," Kristen was unnerved by the way Marlena was looking at her from under heavy eyelids but she ploughed on regardless. "You may have gotten your claws back into him momentarily. He had a weak moment. But he came back to *me*." She laughed triumphantly. "It's *me* that's having his baby. It's me that he loves. It's me that he's going to marry."
"It didn't look that way last night," Marlena raised her eyebrows, her voice quiet and even. "In fact, it didn't look like he could get away from you fast enough. You can delude yourself into thinking what you want Kristen. The truth is, John *doesn't* love you. And you know that as well as I do. If he's with you it's because he feels a responsibility for that child." It was Marlena's turn to laugh, but her laugh was devoid of the tinge of insanity that coloured Kristen's. Instead, it was shallow and bitter. "Of course you knew that he would do when you got pregnant. That was your intention all along. You knew it was the only way you could *ever* hold onto him, because you knew the way he *really* felt." Marlena folded her arms across her own belly, as though to protect the child that she carried within from the corruption that had claimed Kristen. Bringing one hand up in front of her, she pointed at Kristen with a slightly bent index finger. "You knew then that he still loved me. And you know it now."
Marlena smiled vengefully. It felt good to give vent to all the anger and betrayal she had felt for Kristen for all these months. "And that's the thing that you can't bear most of all. That even when you have him, even when you're making love to him, it's *me* he loves and it's *me* he's thinking of."
"You *bitch*! It's not *true* you lying *bitch*!" Kristen lunged at Marlena, shrieking madly, but Marlena calmly stepped back out of her reach while she was restrained by Mike and Roman.
"Calm down Kristen, this isn't helping John at all," Mike entreated her firmly. He didn't really want to have to heavily sedate her again if he could help it. To his surprise, she actually did quieten after a moment, wrenching her arm from Roman's grip as she glared at Marlena.
"I want to see John," she demanded venomously.
"I'm afraid that's not possible Kristen," Mike told her with absolute certainty. "He can't have any visitors until he is much stronger."
"Not any?" she glowered at Marlena mutinously. Marlena said nothing, just stared back at her with equal hatred as Roman moved to stand behind her.
"Not any." Mike beckoned to a nurse. "John needs complete quiet right now."
"Well *I* want to be the first one to see him," Kristen demanded, her lips pursed petulantly. "I don't want *her* near him." She turned to Mike, "You hear me Mike?"
"Sure Kristen," Mike nodded reassuringly, praying that Marlena knew him well enough not to argue. "You'll be the first, as soon as I think he is up to you visiting. You have my word."
The nurse was at his side and he motioned to Kristen.
"Chelly, can you take Ms. DiMera back to her room please?"
"Sure," Chelly nodded and Kristen shot a final victorious glance in Marlena's direction before she let the nurse lead her away. When she was out of earshot, Mike turned to Marlena.
"I want you to go back to your room," he said quietly.
"But Mike," she began contentiously.
"Don't argue with me," he raised his eyebrows in warning. "Just please go back to your room. I'm going to go by Kristen's room and give her a mild sedative to calm her down. I do *not* want another one of these scenes. Especially outside John's room." He looked back at John momentarily and then turned back to Marlena. Her expression was a little reproachful and he softened slightly with a hint of a smile. "I wasn't blaming you," he took her hand in his, "I'll come and see you as soon as I have been to see Kristen. We'll talk then."
Marlena nodded, relaxing slightly before she turned back to look at John. He looked so peaceful lying there.
Hang on baby, I'll be back as soon as I'm able.
I love you John.
******
Gabe! John looks around into the blinding blackness. It is smothering, the blank nothingness and he feels for a moment that he cannot breathe. Gabe, where are you? Where did you go?! He feels like crying. He has never felt more alone.
John, Gabe's hushed voice floats from the void and John searches for sight of his guide almost desperately.
Gabe, don't leave me. I don't know what to do.
You know what to do.
*No* I don't! John is agitated. He wants Gabe to come back. He wants that that feeling of peace and that incredible joy again. I don't understand what is happening. Why did you go?
You began to make your decision. Gabe replies with certainty, and suddenly John begins to see his outline, glimmering in the darkness. Something was calling you back. But you changed your mind John. Why did you change your mind?
******
"Marlena," Mike ambled wearily into Marlena's room, "Kristen is asleep and she will be for a while. And I really shouldn't be doing this, but if you promise faithfully to rest afterward, I'll arrange for you to sit with John for half an hour. But no more," he warned before she could argue.
"Oh Mike," she was deeply touched that he would go to these lengths for her and for John and she appreciated it more than she could express. "Thank you so much."
"If you want to thank me, find some way of getting through to John," he petitioned her. "If he will hear anyone, it'll be you." He looked into Marlena's shimmering hazel eyes and found exactly what he had hoped would be there. "He loves you so much. Give him a reason to hold on, to fight for you and what you two stand for."
"I will," Marlena wiped a tear from her cheek and nodded emphatically. "I can promise you that with *all* my heart."
"Good." Mike held out his arm to help her off the bed. "Let's go."
******
Gabe, I don't understand, John feels the tears of frustration burning on his cheeks. He feels as though he is going in circles and never getting anywhere. What decision? What is this decision you keep talking about?
Deep down you do know John, Gabe tells him kindly as he steps toward him, you just don't want to have to make this choice. It is an irrevocable choice John, one that you cannot change once it is made. He places his hand once again on John's shoulder and John closes his eyes. You must decide whether it is that you go back to your family and friends on earth, or you join your family in God's realm. *That* is the decision you must make John. And you must make it now.
******
"John?" Marlena settled back in the chair that Mike had brought to John's bedside and she took John's hand in hers, gently avoiding disturbing the many tubes that surrounded him. He was ashen, almost as white as the sheets he lay on but he might have looked peaceful, had it not been for the monitors and the tubes and wires that stretched from them to the patient they assiduously guarded. The large bandage covered his shoulder and half of his chest and Marlena could already see the dark shadow of blood that had seeped into the snowy gauze. Reaching out with her free hand, she gently brushed the stray hair from his forehead with graceful fingers. Feeling an odd kind of peace herself, she spoke in a hushed voice. "John, it's me. It's Marlena."
She remembered a time she had said those same words to him, so many years ago. Holding his cold, lifeless hand in hers, she remembered how the fog had swirled around them, blanketing them in its cold, moist embrace. She could almost feel his tears against her face and the roughness of his hands where they touched her, and she could even remember the shock and amazement in his voice as he realized it really was her.
And then, a few years later, they had met up on that same pier, to admit something they had been denying ever since that first reunion.
They still loved each other.
It had led to such agony for them both. But it had also lead to such a rare joy in their precious Belle baby, and now this new baby that Marlena bore within her.
"John, you have to wake up," she told him in a voice that was barely more than a whisper. "You have to let me tell you how I feel...." She pressed her lips together and clasped John's limp hand tightly in between her own. "John, there's so much I have to tell you. I don't know where to start or whether you can even hear any of it, but I have to tell you. This might be my only chance." A tear trickled from the corner of her eye but she barely noticed it.
"Baby, we have been through so much you and I. But I want you to know, I don't regret any of it. Except," she squeezed his hand, "maybe I regret all the time we have wasted. All the time we should have been honest about our feelings and we should have been loving each other." She shook her head with a melancholy smile. "But that's the past my darling. I'm so sorry for all the mistakes we made. I wish we could go back and fix them, but we can't." She looked at him with sad, pleading eyes. "John you have to come back to me. Please you have to *fight* to make it through this. I can't bear the thought of being without you."
Marlena was silent for a moment but there was no movement from John, not even the slightest twitch to tell her he had heard her.
******
You're asking me to choose?..... John is utterly astonished. You mean I'm dead?
Not quite. Gabe shakes his head.
But how did I get here? What happened? John can remember nothing from the previous day and he is having a hard time comprehending the magnitude of the decision Gabe is asking him to undertake.
It's not important John. Gabe shakes his head once again. His face is serious as he stands in front of his charge. He knows this is the test to end all tests and he does not want John to fail. But he knows the qualifications, and this is something John has to work out for himself. Gabe cannot hand him the answer on a platter. You know what your life on earth has to offer you. Now let me show you something of what awaits you.
He turns around and waves his hand in front of him. John's jaw drops and he gapes openly as the blackness gives way to a beautiful grassy field. But it is like nothing he has ever seen before, as it shimmers and sparkles, a shining, rippling, manifest bliss before his eyes. Gabe turns back to John and spreads his hands, motioning for John to walk into paradise.
John takes a tentative step and finds himself standing on fragrant grass. He grins delightedly. All around him are flowers, he is surrounded by every hue imaginable, and yet some even unimaginable. The sense of love and peace are almost overwhelming and he looks at Gabe wide-eyed.
This is heaven?
If you want it to be, Gabe nods his head graciously. It is up to you John. This is but the gateway.
John turns again and gazes out at the gloriously blinding beauty around him. It is so wonderful, surely it is all he could ever want.....
But......there is something else. Something he is missing.....
******
Marlena hadn't imagined she would feel so helpless, just sitting here, watching John struggle for his life. Every breath he took was an agony for her, every bleep of the heart monitor bringing her a kind of stressful relief.
"Honey," she spoke again, her voice softly coaxing, "John please, if you can, let me know that you can hear me."
John remained deathly still in his repose.
"John, I need you to know how I feel. I need you to wake up so I can tell you." She felt more frightened than she would have admitted, but her dread was evident in her voice. Still there was nothing from John. Nothing but quiet, laboured breaths and the steady, ceaseless beeping. Bringing his hand up to her face, she tenderly touched his palm to her cheek and she held it there, they way he would have, had he been awake.
"John, I love you," she whispered miserably. She waited, desperately willing him to give her some kind of answer. But she was unrewarded.
"Baby I know I said it was over between us, but I lied." Marlena's tears began to fall, splashing onto John's skin before they tumbled onto the bedclothes. "I thought I could forget you, forget how I felt about you. I was hurting so badly and I wanted to hurt you too. It's petty I know but..... John, I was *wrong*. We were meant to be together. I know that now. I don't want to live my life without you in it."
She sniffed as she tried to wipe her face and John's hand and she laughed tightly for a moment before a fresh bout of tears overcame her.
"Gosh. What a terrible mess I've made of this all." She shook her head. "I....I don't know what the point is if you're not going to be there to share my life John. To share in the birth of this beautiful baby we have created." She paused, suddenly surprised. "She's *yours* John. This baby, it's your baby. Not Gene's. You assumed it was Gene's but it's not. You never gave me a chance.....the day I came up to see you at the loft, when you thought I had come to tell you I was with Gene..." she paused, remembering the pain on John's face that day. She reached up to his face again and brought her trembling palm to rest against his rough cheek, just as his lay against hers. "Well, I hadn't," she whispered with a desperate poignancy. "I found out I was pregnant that day and I had come to tell you that you're going to be a daddy again."
******
John looks at Gabe, his uncertainty evident. He can't remember anything of the moment that got him to this place. All he remembers is the pain he has been feeling now for such a long time. But the pain is gone now. All he feels is a peace and a serenity such as he has never known.
And there is Gabe, standing there, ready to welcome him into God's home with gloriously open arms. And John can't think of anything he wants more..... Except....
John...... Gabe nudges John's consciousness, John, you cannot wait here forever. You have to make a decision.
John looks at Gabe and then looks around him. He feels something pulling at him but he cannot identify it and he tries to ignore it.
He takes a step towards Gabe.
******
"*John*," Marlena knew her time was running out and she no longer could hold onto any logical thread of coherent thought. All she knew was she had to make him hear her. Before it was too late. "John, listen to me dammit. Don't let go. This baby needs you. Belle and Brady need you. Most of all, *I* need you. I'll never forgive you if you leave me now. You told me once you would always wait for me. Well, I need you to keep your word." She wiped the tears angrily from her face, ignoring Mike as he stood outside the window, waiting for her to leave her vigil. "John, you have to fight. I won't let you go. I'm not going to let you go. Not now. Not *ever*."
******
*John*.
John turns, his attention caught by the faint voice.
What was that? he asks Gabe. Gabe says nothing, just silently waits.
John, you have to fight. I won't let you go. I'm not going to let you go. Not now. Not *ever*.
The voice is faint but John's eyes widen, for he knows that voice. His soul recognizes that voice as its mate. The one whom he is destined to be with, to spend eternity with. The one he loves with all his *being*.
Marlena, he breathes in wonder, it's *Marlena*.
Marlena felt as though her heart might break as she watched John, still and silent in his hospital bed. There was no movement, no hint that he might have heard her words, her frantic pleas and she was once again faced with the possibility that this might be it. The last time she would ever see his beloved face.
The lyrics of a song came to her as she sat holding his icy hand in hers. It would be like living without being alive, without you. She couldn't think of a more apt way to describe the way she felt right now. The way she felt when he was not part of her life. She loved Roman and she loved Gene, but John brought sunlight and colour and laughter and tears to her life in the way that no one ever had before and no one had since. And she knew without a doubt that no one ever would do in the future.
She could live without him, yes. But she would never be truly happy. She knew that now.
"Baby," she whispered in a voice filled with longing. "John, please don't give up on me now. Please don't give up on *us*."
A noise at the door diverted her attention and she turned to find Mike standing there with sympathy in his eyes.
"Marlena," he said quietly, "a half hour is long since up."
"But Mike...." She looked up at him imploringly.
"No buts," he shook his head. "You promised me. Faithfully remember? You and John both need your rest."
Tears filled her eyes as she nodded and then she turned back to John. Bringing his hand up to her lips, she pressed a sad, tender kiss onto his curled fingers.
"I love you," she whispered before she lay his hand back on the bedclothes.
Mike helped her from the chair and she turned for one final glimpse of John before she left the room.
He was still unmoving.
******
Marlena! John searches with frantic eyes into the darkness, but he can see nothing. Around him, the field fades into nothingness but he doesn't notice. Doc! Where are you? He takes a step further into the darkness and strains to hear something, anything, in the silence. But there is nothing to hear in the void that yawns toward him.
He turns back to Gabe.
Was I imagining it? He shakes his head, unwilling to believe it. Where is she Gabe? What is going on?
John might be wrong, but he thinks he sees a speculative gleam in his guide's eyes.
She is on earth John. It is just as I have told you. Gabe cannot tell John that Marlena sits by his side in the hospital. That would make his decision too easy. That would not test John at all.
John, there is something that might help you make up your mind. He waves his hand in front of him and the emptiness dissolves into a swirl of colours and shapes.
******
Marlena closed her eyes and leaned against the wall outside the small room as Mike wandered off to find a nurse. She couldn't believe she was here, in this kind of predicament. The last few months had just been such a blur and confusion of events and emotions that she could hardly work out how she and John had gotten to this moment. She supposed it didn't really matter at this point. They couldn't undo the mistakes they had made, they could only try not to repeat them. Assuming they were given the chance to try again.
She sighed and ran a weary hand over her pale face. Inside her, John's baby stirred, gently reminding her of it's existence. She smiled a gentle, peaceful smile and laid her hand across her belly. In response, the baby fluttered inside her again.
"I'm trying little one," she whispered, "I'm trying so hard. But it's up to him now. Your daddy has to *want* to come back to us." Her expression slipped into melancholy as she brought her other hand around to cradle her stomach. Turning, she looked through the window at John. "I only hope he realizes he has a reason to come back to us."
******
John watches the scenes flashing in front of him in a kind of stunned awe. It is like watching his life through the eyes of a stranger. Except that as each moment brings him closer to the place he is now, he becomes aware that not only is he experiencing his life through the eyes of another, he is also experiencing the emotions of those around him. The emotions he is responsible for.
He barely recognizes much of it. There are things that have happened in his past that he has no recollection of, but there are no great shocks or surprises. He is shown the happiness and peace he brings to the parishioners at the church where he is a priest but nothing is particularly important to him until he suddenly sees a face he recognizes, the one he knows better than his own.
He feels her intrigue and her growing attraction to him and then her suspicion and confusion when she does not know who he is. And then he recognizes the feelings she struggles with as she falls in love with him.
He had almost forgotten that flight through the woods of West Virginia, their constant battles, the fiery moments where they could barely keep a civil tongue in their heads. But through it all, there was the intense attraction that they kept trying to deny. Even when they had both thought he was Stefano and they had fought it as hard as they could, they were falling head over heels in love.
He relives the moment where Marlena believes he is Roman and he feels her relief and the love she finally allows herself to feel and he is awed by the strength of it. It evenly matches the intensity of the love he feels for her and he realizes with a start that it is *him* she loves. Not just some memory of Roman. The belief that he is Roman simply justifies her feelings and allows her to express them freely.
It surprises him because a part of him always felt that her love for him was only so strong because she thought he was Roman. Now he realizes that she truly loved him for *him*, thinking that he was Roman simply allowed her to express that love and it humbles him to realize that she loved him truly as much as he loved her.
The scenes continue to flick by until he sees her holding a photograph. Orpheus is with her and John realizes the picture is one of Olivia and him. He feels the first time he caused her real anguish and it cuts through him like a burning hot knife as he feels her pain. It is followed quickly by her hope that he might find her, save her from Orpheus' insane scheme and then her terror as her plane plunges into the sea.
John can barely cope with seeing it again, it tore him apart so much the first time he lost her. He remembers the utter desolation he felt at reading her letter and going home without her. But now in addition to the remembered pain, he feels the guilt. He should have looked for her. He should have known not to give up, not to believe until he had seen her body with his own eyes.
But Gabe does not allow John time to wallow in his self-recrimination as he moves John through his years in Salem. He feels the love of his children... Roman's children. But they thought they were his children and they *loved* him like a father. And that was what mattered.
Gabe takes John through his relationships with Diana, Whitney and Yvette to Isabella. He had made her happy too. But hers was not the kind of love that he feels in Marlena. Marlena's is a fierce, passionate love, where Isabella's is a soft, gentle love. He smiles as he sees her laughing face. But then, he finds himself confronted with the pier, with Marlena's return and he once again feels that all-encompassing passion she feels for him and her joy at being back in his arms.
Then, for the second time, and not for the last, John feels her pain and confusion as he leaves her in a shabby motel room to go back to Isabella. And he feels ashamed.
******
"*No!" Carrie struck out at the doctor who stood calmly by her beside. "Go away, just *go away*."
"Carrie honey," Laura rounded the end of the bed and came to stand beside Romy, "we're not here to upset you or make you uncomfortable. We just want to know how you're feeling."
"I don't *want* to talk to you," Carrie sounded like a petulant child and Laura was feeling incredibly frustrated. They were having to be so careful that they were making little headway. Carrie just wasn't prepared to be helped at this stage.
"Well who *do* you want to talk with Carrie?" Romy asked quietly. Carrie looked at her with a measure of surprise. Her fractured mind hadn't anticipated this change in tack and in a measure of defense, she grasped the first thing that came to her.
"Marlena. I want to talk to Marlena."
"Carrie, that may not be possible," Laura ventured. She didn't know how Marlena was doing at this point, and she wasn't sure she wanted to burden her with the extra responsibility of dealing with Carrie.
"I want to talk to *Marlena*," Carrie's eyes filled with tears as she began to get agitated again. Laura held out her hand defeatedly.
"All right, all right. I'll see what I can do Carrie," she looked at Romy who in turn raised her eyebrows. Laura shrugged. It had been a long, long couple of days. Without a sound, she turned and left the room, Romy close behind.
******
Everything is wonderful if you can forget one thing....This is crazy. I don't have any memories of my own and the one I do have I'm supposed to forget.
I loved you...I loved you...*love* you.
John feels the tears sting his eyes as he watches himself give up Marlena. Without any kind of struggle. He still knows why he did it, but it doesn't make it any easier on him. It hadn't made it any easier on either of them. And given the same circumstances once again he does not know if he could make the same sacrifice. Not knowing the pain that it has ultimately caused them all.
He watches himself marrying Isabella and the birth of their beautiful baby Brady. He remembers how proud he was and he feels the joy of Isabella's happiness as they settle down to their life together. But all too quickly, it is over and he relives the pain of holding her in his arms as she died. He is glad to know the peace she felt at that moment, it makes the pain of losing her a little easier to bear.
And then he sees Marlena for the first time since his return from Venice. He feels her pain for his loss and he feels Roman's uncertainty when he walks in on them hugging.
It is hard from him to comprehend all the emotions that he has evoked, all the love, hate, joy and anger. He has always known what it was like for him when Roman returned, but he has never fully comprehended how hard it was for Roman himself. The other man had tried so hard to reclaim his life, to fit back into it but it was as though he was now slightly the wrong shape for the hole he was trying to fit into, and now matter how hard he tried, he always had the feeling that something was not quite right.
And he feels Marlena's struggle deep within her, even before she becomes aware of it, in much the same way as it was for him. It is not something either of them can control, it is something they have been failing to deal with for so long now and like such things do, it is bubbling to the surface.
He recalls the moment he realized Marlena was trapped in the warehouse and his desperation to find her.
Do you know God was a baseball fan? ....No.....Yeah it's true, it's in the bible. You read the bible. It's on the first page. What's the first line? Hm? C'mon.......In the beginning..... No. In the Big Inning.
She is desolate and afraid, but she is so glad he is there.
Do you remember, a long time ago we said, we said to each other that if it had to end, we really wanted to be together when it happened..... Yeah.....I didn't think it was going to be like this though....Yeah, well John? *God*, I'm *glad* we are together....
He holds her tightly, truly believing that this is the end for both of him. But, as they have before, they cheated death and they were given another chance. That time, alone in the pit had strengthened their bond, had forged something between them that they were not able to forget in the following months. Something they had never been able to forget.
The scenes flicker in front of him, a maelstrom of conflicting emotions, of love and denial and guilt. The interview with Jennifer and the moments on the pier afterward. They way her heart was breaking as she told him she loved him....all leading up to that inevitable moment on the plane when they could no longer control their feelings, their passion, their love for each other.
John staggers back slightly as he is buffeted by the force of those emotions. He has almost forgotten the intensity of that night, the sheer desperation and fear and abandonment. And the *passion*. To feel Marlena's emotions echo his, is almost too much to bear. God, he loved her so much.
*Loves* her so much.
******
"Roman," Laura looked exhausted to Roman's eyes. Her forehead was caught in deep furrows and the skin around her eyes was pinched and tired.
"Laura?" he looked at her expectantly.
"She won't talk to me Roman. Or Romy. She just says she wants to talk to Marlena." She dropped her hand to her hip and sighed. "That doesn't mean that she actually *will* talk to Marlena. It's quite probably just a stalling tactic. She's a very frightened and confused young lady."
Roman nodded, carefully weighing Laura's words.
"Thanks Laura, I appreciate your help," he frowned. "I'm not sure Marlena is strong enough to deal with Carrie right now though." He looked up at the psychiatrist from his seat. "She's got so much to cope with already."
"I agree," Laura sank into the seat next to him and leaned back, crossing her arms defensively. "But Carrie is going to want to know why Marlena hasn't come to see her soon enough."
"You think it might be harmful if she *doesn't* see her?" Roman asked with concern.
"Well if we tell Carrie the truth, that John is hurt....I don't know Roman," she shook her head and ran her hand up over her forehead, pushing the hair away from her face. "Maybe it could be enough to spark Carrie's memory and maybe that could be harmful. I just don't know. We just have no way of knowing how she's going to deal with anything at the moment. She's teetering on the edge of a major breakdown and anything at all could be enough to send her over the edge. I just can't predict how she will react to any given incident."
"So we're flying blind," Roman felt just as tired as Laura. It was hard to make any decisions when you were so confused and tired you could barely think.
"Pretty much," Laura nodded her head.
"I think I'll go talk to Doc," Roman said quietly. "Maybe this decision should be down to her."
"Roman, do you really think that's fair?" Laura sounded unsure.
"Laura, that's my baby girl lying in there," Roman pointed to the room, his frustration finally getting the better of him. "Marlena hasn't thanked me in the past for trying to protect her. Carrie might really be able to use her help right now. She and Marlena have always been very close."
"She just shot the man that Marlena loves." Laura pointed out, equally angry. "She's possibly killed him. Marlena is pretty distraught about that. You really think it's wise to ask her to *counsel* Carrie?"
"I'm not interested in being fair right now," Roman replied coldly, "I need to help my daughter and I think Marlena can help me. She is more Carrie's mother than Anna ever has been and I think she has a right to be involved in this. Despite what Carrie's done."
Laura bit her lip and faced Roman for several long moments. Then she let out a deep breath and nodded her head.
"It is your decision of course."
"Thank you," Roman's sarcasm took Laura aback slightly and she watched in surprise as he pushed himself up with the aid of his cane. Maybe, she reflected, watching Marlena's distress over John had been harder on Roman than any of them had suspected.
******
John finds it hard to deal with the succeeding months and years as he is forced to confront each and every mistake he has made along the way. And with that, he is forced to witness how much pain he has caused the woman he loves so much. From the moment of the revelation of their affair, he realizes she has never known a moment of true peace and happiness. As hard as he tried to deny his feelings, she fought even harder. All for his sake and for her family's sake. She wanted him to be happy. She wanted to save the family any more pain, so she had taken it all on herself. All the loneliness, guilt and sadness. She had worn a brave front, she had convinced everyone she was just fine, when bit by bit, she was dying inside.
And then, after reviewing the winter at Aremid John truly begins to despise himself. He sees Marlena coming upon the scene in the cellar, where he and Kristen are making love and he cringes. He feels her heartbreak and her anguish and he knows he can never make it up to her. He can never take away the pain he has caused her and as she will carry it with her forever, he will carry the guilt of that knowledge.
Tears fall from his eyes as he watches Marlena's face light up when she realizes he still loves her, that night in her bedroom. He relives how it feels to hold her, to feel her warm skin against his and he is astonished to realize the depth of the happiness he brings her. Even after all he has done to hurt her, after everything he has inflicted on her, she still adores him. And he makes her feel whole again in exactly the same way that she fills the empty void in his life.
He repays her loyalty and her love by doubting her. No *wonder* she was devastated. He relives that dreadful night in her apartment when she threw him out and he feels so deeply contrite for the pain and heartache he has caused her. He watches her receive each and every gift that he sent, including the last box, the box that Kristen had taken great pains to ensure she would never receive. And he feels her peace and joy as she makes the decision that she feels will change her life.
And then he sees her in the lift of his building and he relives a moment that he had never even known had happened. It is like a blow to the stomach to him and he sinks to his knees, as everything finally becomes clear.
She thought I had taken Kristen back. She thought that I was telling Kristen that I loved her. She thought....that I had turned my back on her at the first hurdle....
Oh Doc, baby *no*....Oh God *NO*.
He shakes his head as he watches her leave the building, her face a picture of utter and tragic despair, and he is filled with rage as he feels Kristen's sense of triumph.
*That* was why.... At the moment she had been at her lowest, when she could see no way out of the despair and pain, Eugene had been there for her, holding her, loving her like she needed so desperately.
John looks at Gabe bleakly. How am I ever supposed to atone for this? How can I ever expect her forgiveness, after everything I have done to her? There is more John. Gabe speaks softly. He feels for John's pain, but he is proud of him too.
John turns back to the scene in front of him. He discovers that the day Marlena came to see him in the loft, she was coming to tell him she was pregnant. With his baby.
His eyes widen with the shock. Why hadn't it ever occurred to him before now? Had he been so busy feeling sorry for himself that he hadn't even contemplated the truth? He had just assumed. And in her pain and betrayal, she had let him think the worst. How could she have done anything else?
Finally he comes to the moment the brought him to this place. John is still on his knees as he sees Kristen's 'proposal' and sees the look on his own face, the horror, the helpless gaze of the ensnared prey. But he can feel the truth in Marlena's heart, her pure and complete love for him, even as he felt it at that moment. He turns to see the tears falling from her eyes and he knows he would die for this woman.
She still loves me. He looks up at Gabe in amazement. Doc still loves me? After everything.... He is stunned at the revelation as the scene in front of him fades back into oblivion.
Gabe stands before him, his face expressionless.
It is time John.
******
"Marlena," Q was concerned at her pallid appearance as Mike guided her towards her room. "Are you okay?" Marlena said nothing, simply nodded at him with tired, frightened eyes. "Hey," he said gently as he caught her up in his arms. "How's John doing?" She shrugged her shoulders.
"No change," she could barely spit out the words in her hoarse whisper.
"He's going to be okay," Gene told her fervently. There was no answer as she closed her eyes tightly and buried her face in his chest.
"Doc," Roman interrupted them, the tension in his face betraying the strain he felt. "Doc, I need to talk to you."
It was a moment before Marlena could find the strength to look up at Roman.
"I don't think now is quite the time Roman," Q said protectively.
"John's not...?" his eyes widened in panic.
"No, no, John's condition is still critical, but he's hanging in there," Mike assured Roman.
"Doc, I know this isn't a good time, but I wouldn't ask you if I didn't think it was important." Marlena loosened Gene's arms from around her, but Roman noted he still stood behind her like some kind of moralistic guardian angel.
Marlena was concerned when she saw Roman's expression. She had rarely seen him in such a state. He looked exhausted and harried, and he seemed to have lost weight overnight.
"Roman, what is it?" she asked gently.
"Marlena, I really hate to put you in this position," he was sincere and she felt her heart sink, "but Carrie is asking to talk to you."
******
John feels fear constrict him as he tries to make sense of everything he has just seen. Marlena still loves him, but he has caused her unspeakable pain. He doesn't deserve the love she has to offer him. He doesn't deserve anything, when all he has brought her is hurt and misery. If he was to go back now, who is to say he won't hurt her again? After all, he had never intended to hurt her before and that was exactly what he had done. Time and time again. He had caused so many of her tears and he doesn't know if he can ever forgive himself. He has taken her for granted and he has abused her trust and love and her incredible goodness time and time again. He has been selfish and thoughtless and if he can't forgive himself, how can he expect her to forgive him?
But she is carrying his baby. He can barely believe it. They are going to have another baby! Two more babies. He drops his head. There is still Kristen to consider. He hates her with a loathing he had barely thought possible. After all that she has done, he can't believe he ever loved her. He feels so unworthy of Marlena and unworthy his children. He remembers again the times they missed him, the nights they cried themselves to sleep because he was not there for them. He can't believe that he has been such a hopeless father. If he can't even do it right with the children he has, how can he be a father to two more beautiful babies?
John? It is not Gabe's voice this time, but it is a voice he recognizes. His heart almost disbelieving, he looks up.
IzzyB?
She smiles at him, soft and welcoming.
It's me John. I've come to take you home.
Home? He feels the tears pricking at his eyes. He had thought that he would never see her again but she's just as beautiful as his memories.
Home, with me John. She reaches out her hand and he raises his to take it. I've come to take you to Him. She helps him to stand and then takes both of his hands in hers with a radiant smile. It's time John.
******
"Carrie? She wants to see me?" Marlena's immediate reaction was to recoil, but she couldn't let Roman see that. She was immediately thankful for Gene's solid presence behind her as she used his steadiness to anchor herself.
"Laura and Dr. Welter have tried to talk to her Doc, but she's just not responding." Roman shook his head, to tired to pick up on his ex-wife's discomfort. "At times she's refusing to believe that Austin is dead and at other times she is distraught." He winced as he said the words but there was no other way than to simply spit them out. "She has no idea about John and she has no idea that she was the one that pulled the trigger."
"And what do you think I can do?" Marlena's every instinct was screaming at her to turn and run, but she knew that was not possible and she was glad for Eugene's strong, silent presence behind her.
"I don't entirely know Doc." Roman shrugged his aching shoulders, "but maybe your presence might reassure her, might help her to remember what happened in her own time." He looked at her with pleading eyes, "we have to know Marlena, we have to know what made her do this."
Q had not missed Marlena's reticence and he this time he felt her physical reaction as she shrank back from Roman. It was barely noticeable but he was standing right behind her and besides, he knew her too well to miss it. In other circumstances, Roman might have picked up on it too, but right now, his first thought was for his daughter.
"Roman, don't you think you're being rather unfair?" Marlena hear Q's voice sound behind her. She was so close to him she could almost feel the vibration of his voice against her back. "Hasn't Marlena got enough to worry about right now without being asked to take responsibility for your daughter?" His tone betrayed his anger at Roman's seeming lack of concern for Marlena's wellbeing. "Whom, I might add, is the reason we are all here to begin with."
"Carrie is *not* responsible for what happened last night." Roman returned angrily.
"Well Marlena has just spent an hour sitting beside John who is in a hospital bed," Q narrowed his eyes. "I don't know what you thought you saw, but I saw your daughter -"
"I don't care what you saw," Roman's fractious temper was getting the better of him, "Carrie is Marlena's daughter too and she needs her help."
"At the expense of Marlena's health is that it?"
"Enough!" Marlena interrupted, raising her hand to cease the escalating bickering. Turning around, she regarded Gene. "It's sweet of you to worry," she said at length, "but really, Roman is right. Carrie is as much a daughter to me as Sami. If she needs me then I have to do what I can for her."
"But Marlena, Mike said you have to rest," he really only had her best concerns at heart but she had never been one to welcome advocates.
"Mike," she turned to look at the doctor, "I am sure will agree that Carrie takes precedence."
"Well...." Mike was obviously unsure.
"Mike, it won't be long and then I *promise* I'll rest." He remained unconvinced. "Carrie *needs* me. If I can help her I want to do it and as soon as possible. We need to catch whoever is responsible for this...." she stopped short of naming the events of the previous night, ending her sentence with a slight shiver.
"All right," Mike nodded his head. He obviously wasn't going to win this argument. "But only on condition that it's only a short while and you let one of the doctors examine you when you're done. We want to make sure that baby isn't under too much stress okay?"
"Okay." She nodded and then turned back to Q with a questioning expression. He still didn't look particularly happy, but he didn't argue any more. Leaning toward him, she dropped a soft kiss on his cheek.
"Thanks," she whispered before turning to Roman. "Where is she?"
They had almost reached Carrie's room when Michelle hastened down the hall towards Mike, who was trailing behind them.
"Dr. Horton! Mike. You have to come quick," she said breathlessly. "It's John Black. You have to come now!"
--You brushed my eyes with angel's wings
Full of love, the kind that makes the devils cry.
-You Have Been Loved
George Michael
Time? John shakes his head sadly. Gabe is right. This is the hardest decision he will ever have to make.
I've missed you so much. Isabella smiles at him lovingly and envelopes him in her embrace. Part of John wants to hold her and never let her go.
But he knows that isn't possible now.
Regretfully he pushes her away from him and he steps back with an unreadable expression in his eyes. She looks at him in surprise. John?
IzzyB... he tries to smile at her but he knows that the words he is about to say will hurt her and he hates that. He never wanted to hurt her.
When I was married to you, it was one of the happiest times of my life. I loved you with all my heart.
I loved you too John. She seems confused but he knows she is beginning to catch on and she doesn't like what she's hearing.
Isabella, I can't go with you now. He bites his lower lip and looks at her with sad eyes. You always knew that part of my heart still belonged to Marlena. It still does. Honey I can't lie to you. She means everything to me. She's my soulmate, you must know that. He sees the hurt and betrayal in her eyes and he feels bad, but she deserves to know the truth.
And she needs me now.
As much as he has loved Isabella, he loves Marlena so much more. He always has, he has just never admitted it before this moment.
He watches as Isabella's face falls, but he glimpses in her eyes the recognition of the truth. She knows, maybe she has always known.
It doesn't make it any easier.
I'm *so* sorry. But I love her and she needs me. I can't walk away from her again. What kind of man would that make me?
Isabella smiles a sad smile. It always came down to that. He had to walk away from one of them eventually. Tears fill her eyes.
I hope she knows how lucky she is.
Not half as lucky as I am, John thinks to himself.
And then, suddenly Isabella is fading before his eyes. He reaches out to her, but she is already gone.
With searching eyes, he turns to Gabe. You didn't even let me say goodbye.
You said everything that was needed. Gabe reaches out his hand and lays it on John's shoulder once again. John, you will not take the memory of this time with you. It is up to you to make this decision count. Don't make the same mistakes again.
I won't remember? John is quick to reply. He is suddenly afraid that this will all be for nothing if he once again is oblivious to his mistakes. He can't bear the thought that he might hurt Marlena again, but silently he makes a vow that he will not let that happen. He will never allow her to be hurt again. Not by anyone.
He looks with searching eyes at Gabe, but the angelic guide is fading too, and all John is left with is the echo of his smile, and an unspoken message that John has made the right decision.
Suddenly, John narrows his eyes as light begins to spill into the smothering darkness and he feels his consciousness evaporating.
******
"He what?" Mike stared at the heart monitor and then back at Michelle.
"He murmured something that sounded a lot like 'Marlena'," she grinned widely.
Mike turned to Marlena who had already perched herself on the edge of the bed and was all but oblivious to everything but John.
"John?" she almost couldn't let herself hope. "John honey, it's Marlena. C'mon baby. You can do it. You just need to open your eyes. Please John. For me and for the children."
She waited but there was no response from John.
"Marlena," Mike's voice intruded gently. "You know, it might not have been anything at all."
"No Mike. *No*." She shook her head, refusing to listen to the meaning in his words. She wouldn't let him take this hope away from her. Mike chewed on his lower lip for a moment and then stepped back.
Marlena said nothing for a long moment and then she leaned over and pressed her lips to John's. "I need you John. *Please*." It was a whisper, but it was heart-wrenching and Mike and Michelle both felt distinctly uncomfortable, like they were trespassing on an intimate moment.
And then she saw it. The tiniest of flickers, then tremble of a lash that sparked hope inside her.
"John? John honey?" She clutched at his hand and then it happened again. His lashes flickered and his eyes began to open.
******
Slowly the blur resolved into smudges and then into solid shapes as John blinked impulsively. No thoughts ran through his head, he was operating on complete instinct as he fought his way out of unconsciousness.
He was barely aware of the noise or bustle around his bed as Mike and Michelle checked his vitals. All that he was aware of was a profound sense of peace, such as he had not felt in a long time.
As he struggled, the first of his senses to return was touch and he became aware that someone was holding his hand. Familiar fingers tenderly squeezed his and then he heard her voice.
"John?" It was gentle, like sweet honey, soothing and coaxing him as he battled against the nebulous murkiness that kept trying to draw him back. "Sweetheart?" Something about the voice made his heart jump and he wanted desperately to find it's source.
Ignoring the discomfort of the bright light that was glaring down at him, he forced his eyes open further, blinking rapidly as they began to water. Eventually, the outline of the fuzzy shapes in front of him began to sharpen and with that, his perception crystallized. He could hardly believe it when he realized that the pair of eyes looking down at him with such concern and happiness were beautiful hazel ones.
"Oh John, John you're all right!" Pure joy lit up her face as she laughed with relief.
"Doc?" he managed to croak before he became aware of the burning pain in his chest. He had no idea what had happened or why he was there. Right at this moment, he didn't really care. All that mattered to him was that Marlena was here with him, holding his hand, looking so incredibly happy.
"Oh sweetheart," she saw him wince as he tried to speak, "don't try and talk right now. Just wait till the painkillers take effect and you feel a little stronger." She glanced over at Mike and the doctor nodded. Turning back to John, she smiled tenderly. "It shouldn't be long honey."
His eyes widened at that. She had called him honey, and as he stared up at her in wonder, tears began to pool in her glistening hazel eyes.
"I thought we'd lost you," her voice was low and husky with tears. "John you don't know how hard I prayed for this moment." She smiled, wiping away her tears with the back of her fingers in such a familiar gesture that John's heart lurched. He had never loved her more than he did at this moment and he desperately wanted to tell her how he felt. He didn't want to be angry with her anymore, or to be angry with himself, all he wanted was to take her in his arms and tell her he adored her and he was never going to let her go.
"Marlena," pain tore through his chest as he spoke and he spluttered slightly. But it didn't really matter to him. There were more important things to take care of. However, Marlena had other ideas. "John," she touched her index finger delicately to his lips and smiled tenderly. "You've been through a terrible trauma. It's just a *miracle* that you're here now." She squeezed his hand as she swept a stray strand of hair from his face. "We'll have all the time in the world to talk later."
Her sweet gesture brought tears to John's eyes. He didn't understand what was going on, the last thing he would have expected was to have her here by his side, so obviously overjoyed that he was okay. If the fiery pain in his shoulder wasn't so agonizing, he would have wondered if he was dreaming this moment. As it was, right now he didn't particularly care what had happened to put him in this hospital bed. If it had brought Marlena back into his life, that was enough for him.
Marlena swiped at her tears again. She just couldn't seem to stop crying. She had been so terrified she would lose him for good this time that this did indeed seem like a miracle to her. She saw the fleeting look of confusion that flickered in his eyes as she held his hand tightly and she wondered how much he remembered of the day before. Whatever, it didn't matter in the long run. She had almost lost him once before and she had made the mistake of letting circumstances prevent her from telling him the truth. This time, nothing was going to stand in her way. Nothing.
As the painkillers began to dull the sharp pangs in John's chest, she noted that he began to breath easier And she looked up at Mike with a grateful smile as she mouthed her thanks. Mike nodded, his relief obvious and he turned to leave the room, wanting to give John and Marlena a little space and time alone.
However, before he even took a step, he noticed Kristen standing at the window, ire flashing in her eyes.
"Oh no," he murmured as she stalked to the door. With a quick movement, he cut her off.
"What is *she* doing here?" Kristen hissed furiously, glaring at Marlena.
"She was with me when I was called back here urgently," Mike explained curtly.
"You said *I* would be the first one to see John," Kristen complained loudly.
"She just *happened* to be with me Kristen," Mike said, badly covering his irritation. "It was nothing more than that."
Marlena winced as she heard Kristen's voice and she realized with a sinking feeling that Kristen would not allow her to have any time alone with John now. In fact, she would lay odds on the fact that Kristen would do everything and anything she could to make sure that she and John had no chance to spend any time alone together.
"Well *I* want to see John now. Alone." The grating voice confirmed her fears and she looked down at John. He looked exhausted and upset and she knew the last thing he needed was for her and Kristen to get into a spat here and now. Kristen might not care about him, but Marlena couldn't put him through anything that was going to cause him strain. There was plenty of time to talk later, when he was feeling better.
Regretfully, she slipped off the bed.
"I'll be back later," she whispered so that only he could hear her. The sadness in his eyes broke her heart as she turned from him, but then she felt the pressure of his fingers on hers, and she turned back with a questioning look.
For John's part, the last person he wanted to see right now was Kristen. He wasn't sure that he understood Marlena's reason's for walking away, though he suspected he did. But he couldn't let her go without at least giving her something that would bring her back. He had spent too much time hiding his feelings behind silence. He had a second chance now, he was not going to waste it.
"Doc," it was little more than a quiet whisper and he stared at her hopefully, his blue eyes impossibly vivid against his pale skin. He squeezed her fingers again and she leaned over him to catch his words. "I love you."
Her eyes widened as she looked at him, almost unable to believe she had heard those three magic words, and then a joyful smile brightened her face.
"Oh John, I love you too." Only John could hear it, but those three simple words lifted his heart higher than he ever could have imagined.
She loves me!
He grinned idiotically at her, wishing he could express the overwhelming happiness he felt right now but knowing he didn't have to. One look at her gorgeous, happy face told him that she knew.
"I have to go now, I'll be back as soon as I can," Kristen's whining voice had intruded on the moment and Marlena knew that she had to go before Kristen cottoned on to what was happening. She dearly wished she could just tell Kristen to go to hell, but she knew this was the only way to deal with things right now. John nodded his agreement and she turned to leave the room.
Kristen and Mike followed her out.
"What the *hell* do you think you are doing?" Kristen demanded nastily, completely ignoring the policeman that was posted on John's door. "He's *not* yours any more. Can't you get that through your thick skull?"
"No more than you can apparently," Marlena wiped away the remaining tears with her fingers and broke into a glorious smile. Nothing Kristen could say could dampen her spirits now.
"If you go anywhere near him again, so help me I will-"
"What?" Marlena interrupted Kristen's feeble attempt at a threat. "What will you do Kristen? What can you *possibly* do that will change John's feelings towards me? Nothing you have done has succeeded so far," she crossed her arms in front of her, unsuccessfully suppressing a smile, "and let's face it, you've gone to some extraordinary lengths. And *still*, when all is said and done, *you* are not the one that John *really* wants."
"You deluded bitch," Kristen narrowed her eyes and lowered her voice. Retaining her tenuous grip on reality had entailed conveniently forgetting portions of the previous night and she honestly believed that Marlena was simply denying the obvious. That John would have married *her* if Carrie had not gone beserk. "John loves me, he wants me. He's going to marry me." With each sentence, Kristen's voice rose in pitch as she worked herself up into a frenzy. "So you keep your pathetic, grasping, thieving whore hands *off* him, you got that? You aren't going anywhere *near* him ever again."
"Oh *bite* me Kristen," Marlena was tired and her patience was wearing extremely thin.
"You *witch*!" Kristen made to lunge at Marlena but Mike interceded, stepping in between them.
"For God's sake Kristen, *grow up*," he finally lost his temper. "If you want to see John it's going to be *short*. He needs his rest. But you are *not* going to dictate who else sees or doesn't see John. Marlena is the mother of his daughter. She is entitled to see him."
"But-.." Kristen was taken aback by Mike's uncharacteristic outburst.
"*No* Kristen." Mike was not brooking any argument. He didn't care for Kristen's threats and haranguing. He'd had just about enough of the Blakes as he could handle and he was sick of seeing them pushing people around when they couldn't get their own way. "Your five minutes start now."
Throwing a rabid glare, Marlena's way, Kristen turned and took a deep breath before brushing past the stoic guard to enter John's room.
"Thanks," Marlena melted into a smile as she turned to Mike. "I think I owe you another one."
"You don't owe me anything," Mike grinned at her. He wasn't stupid and he knew what that look in her eyes meant. "You two just make sure you get it *right* this time. And be happy."
"What?" surprise echoed on her face.
"I saw the way you two looked at each other Marlena." He caught her hand in his and squeezed it. "Neither of you have smiled like this in a long, long time. And I for one, couldn't be happier."
Marlena's lips curled into a smile that sparkled in her eyes.
"He told me he loves me," she whispered in an awed voice.
"Well an idiot could see that," Mike's words bubbled into a chuckle as draped his arm around her shoulders and turned her towards her room. "But it's great. It really is."
Mike left her as she neared her room and went back to evict Kristen from the small ICU room. Marlena turned the corner to find a waiting room full of expectantly worried faces.
"Mom?" Sami was the first to voice the question that was on every pair of lips as she neared her mother. "Is he....?" Marlena cast her eyes around the waiting room and suddenly felt incredibly lucky to know she and John had so many people who loved them and cared for them.
"He's awake," the words came amid her exhilarated laughter. "He's going to be just fine."
"Oh Mom!" Sami threw her arms around her mother in delighted relief.
"Oh what wonderful news!" Shawn exclaimed in his thick Irish brogue as he turned to Caroline. "Our boy is going to be all right Caroline! He's going to be all right!"
The waiting room broke into an excited riot of noise and motion then, with laughter and tears mingling with hugs and congratulations. Marlena slipped away from Sami and Bo to find Eugene leaning against the wall with a smile on his lips.
"He's going to be okay Gene," she nodded, "it's going to be okay."
"You know all I ever wanted was for you to be happy," he held her hands in his.
"He told me he loves me," her happiness glittered in her eyes like a thousand burning stars.
"How could he not love you?" Q grinned, her happiness infectious. "He's a lucky man, I hope he appreciates you."
"I'll make sure he does," Marlena pulled her hands from his and threw her arms around his neck. Q held her close for a moment, suddenly swamped by memories. Then, shaking his head, he moved back.
"This is great news," he nodded happily. "Great news."
Mike remained true to his word and Kristen had been out of John's room in five minutes, but that five minutes had been almost more than John could stand. Her fake tears and simpering happiness had a saccharine falseness that was cloying after the freshness that Marlena had brought to the room.
His pain and weariness had made it hard for him not to snap at her as she gushed about how happy she was that he was okay and how they were going to be so happy. And it was all he could do not to hiss at her to leave him alone when she leaned over to kiss him.
Luckily he hadn't had to deal with any more of her pitiful posturing as Mike had chosen that moment to insist that she leave John to rest. And then he had been left alone for his mind to wander.
He could barely believe that Marlena had been there, let alone that she had said she loved him. In his foggy state, he began to wonder if maybe he had dreamed it, his wishful thinking creating a hallucination of what he desperately wanted to happen. He only wished he could remember what had happened to put him in this bed. If he could remember that, maybe he could make sense of what was happening now.
He lay staring at the ceiling, trying to will himself to remember, ignoring the nurses as they came to check on him. The only person he was at all interested in seeing was Marlena, but she needed her rest too. Or so Mike had said. After all, she was pregnant and she needed to take it easy.
She's pregnant.... He closed his eyes in frustration. He was missing something important.
Suddenly a flash came to him, an image of Kristen in a white dress followed by Marlena's horrified expression. He sucked in a ragged breath and moaned with the pain from his shoulder. Damn! He tried hard to grasp the fleeting memories, but they would not come and as he tried ever harder, he became more and more exhausted until finally, he slipped into a fitful sleep.
******
Juliet Tuckey looked at the two small children with a smile on her face. Mike had briefed her on the situation before he had gone home for a well-deserved sleep and she had been only too happy to help.
They had enlisted the aid of the policeman on John's door to keep Kristen out unless either one of them was informed and then they had ensured the blinds on the windows of John's room were to be kept closed, to allow him to 'rest without disturbance'. All this would hopefully enable Marlena to spend as much time with John as she wanted without Kristen causing too much trouble.
Marlena's first request had been that she be able to bring in John's children to see him.
"They miss him so much," she had explained in a slightly choked voice, "and I think it will do him good to see them." Juliet had agreed and now the angelic little tykes were standing in front of her, expectant expressions on their faces.
Taking Belle's hand, she led the little girl down the corridor to ICU 7 while Marlena followed with Brady. Outside the door, Marlena crouched in front of the children
"Now, remember what I told you," she said with a smile as she flipped Belle's hair behind her shoulder, "Daddy will look a little bit different and he has some machines helping him, but he's just fine and," she pulled them to her in a hug, "he will be *so* happy to see you."
John didn't prove her a liar as they entered the room. The beaming smile that spread across his face was enough for the children and they ran to the bed.
"Hi Dad," Marlena greeted him with laughter and she helped Belle up onto the bed. On the other side, Juliet helped Brady climb up next to his father. John shook his head speechlessly as he looked first at Marlena and then Brady and Belle.
"You two," he lifted a hand and ran a finger down Belle's cheek and then ruffled Brady's hair, "I don't think I've ever seen anything more beautiful than the sight of you two." Looking up at Marlena, his eyes sparkled despite his pain. "Well maybe there is *something*."
"We's missed you Daddy," Belle nodded with wide eyes.
"Oh I missed you too baby," John couldn't help the tears that blurred his vision as he looked up at Marlena again. "Thank you." It was simple but eloquent enough to convey the myriad of emotions he was feeling. Marlena said nothing, just smiled as she brought her hands up, her fingers interlinked, and rested her lips against them.
"What happened to you Daddy?" Brady asked with concern as he reached out and fingered the white gauze that dressed John's wound.
"Well slugger," he winked at the gorgeous little boy, "I just had me a little accident. Nothing for you to get worried over okay?" Brady seemed unconvinced and John was suddenly struck with how much he looked like his mother. Isabella.
I love her and she needs me. I can't walk away from her again.
John shook his head disconcertedly as the words echoed from somewhere inside him. Looking up at Marlena dazedly, he found her looking at him with concern.
"John, are you all right?" she moved to the side of the bed immediately.
Slowly, he nodded his head.
"Doc, we need to talk."
"I want to see him and I want to see him *now*!" Kristen's voice came muffled through the door and Marlena couldn't help but roll her eyes. That woman had impeccable timing.
"John is resting and you do not see him unless *I* say so," Juliet replied in a no-nonsense voice. Kristen could threaten all she liked, but the tiny redhead was a strong woman and threats only strengthened her resolve.
"Well then, *say* so *now*." Kristen wasn't about to back down. "I have every right to see my fiancee."
"Not when it could be detrimental to his recovery,' Juliet returned in a low voice. "You can argue all you like Mrs. DiMera, but you are not seeing John Black now and that is that."
Marlena turned back to John and lay her hand on the top of Belle's head.
"I don't think now is a good time John."
"No," John grimaced his agreement. He couldn't believe it. Every time he got close, Kristen was there, like a foul stench that wouldn't go away. "Just promise me you'll come back soon."
"As soon as I can," Marlena's promise was echoed in her smile. "You just rest and get strong okay?"
"Okay," John nodded before kissing each of the children in turn. "You two be good for Mom now all right?"
"Kay Daddy," Belle nodded subduedly. "You be good too 'kay?"
"Okay sweetheart," John watched with a grin as Marlena picked Belle up and settled her on her hip, seemingly not bothered by the gentle swell of her belly. "Bye bye."
He watched them go and then sank back into his pillows, ignoring the pain that lanced through him with each movement. He hoped Marlena was true to her word and would come back soon. He needed to talk to her, tell her how he felt. She had to know that she and the children were the most important things in his life. The best and most precious things he would ever have. And if he had to tell her about the baby that Kristen was carrying, then so be it. It was due in a little over a month and he figured the biggest danger was over now. He was so tired of lying and sneaking around and most of all he was tired of hurting the one woman he really loved.
It was time to set the record straight.
Marlena walked down the corridor with her arms crossed in front of her. Q walked a pace behind her, joining her in companionable silence.
She had much to think about. It had been several days since John had woken but he was still weak and between that and her backlog of work, she had not been able to spend much time with him. Doctors, nurses or occasionally, Kristen had invariably interrupted any attempts at a serious conversation.
Meanwhile, at Roman's request, she had been to see Carrie the morning after John had awoken. True to Laura's evaluation, she had found Carrie's awareness disjointed as though she seemed to be floating in and out of reality. She had sat with the young woman for a while but despite Roman's hopes, she had not seemed to engender any response.
Then, there was her own reaction. Every time she looked at Carrie, her mind went automatically to that horrific moment at the Penthouse Grille and she could see the cruel steel pistol reflecting in Carrie's eyes. She knew she was wrong to feel this way. It was not Carrie's fault, it *couldn't* be Carrie's fault. Something terrible had happened to her stepdaughter and they were not any closer to finding out what it was. Still, she didn't seem able to curb the involuntary churning in the pit of her stomach every time she saw Carrie or heard her name.
After Marlena's first visit, Romy and Laura had become concerned as Carrie's mental state began to deteriorate more rapidly. When Marlena and Roman had returned the following day, Carrie was again asking why Austin was not there to see her. When Marlena had tried gently to explain to her that Austin was dead, she seemed to slip off into a dream world. That was until she saw a pale Sami standing in the doorway. Raising a shaking finger, she pointed at her younger sister.
"It was her," she accused in a shivering voice. "She killed them both."
"I...." Sami's eyes were wide as she looked at her parents and shook her head. Then a small crease appeared in her brow as she looked back at Carrie. "Carrie, I didn't. I'm so sorry."
"You *DID*," Carrie shrieked as tears coursed down her cheeks. "It was *you*."
Suddenly though, her mind seemed to recoil like a rubber band that had been stretched far too far, and she found her memory of that night. In her mind, she felt the cool mother of pearl and metal against the palm of her hand. She heard the explosive shot and she felt the recoil of the deadly piece of metal in her hand.
"Oh God," she whispered almost inaudibly. "Oh God *no*."
"Carrie?" Marlena was at Carrie's side immediately and she took Carrie's frozen hand in her own, rubbing it gently. "What's wrong honey?"
Carrie's face was a mask of terror as she looked up at her parents.
"It was me," she squeaked. "I killed them. I killed them both."
"No honey," Marlena shook her head, trying to reassure Carrie. "John's not dead. He's all right. He's really all right."
Marlena raised her hand and pressed her index finger between her eyes, rubbing at the tense skin there as though trying to distinguish the unwelcome memory. Her reassurances had done no good. Those anguished words had been the last Carrie had spoken as her sanity had splintered, sinking her into catatonia. She and Roman had been forced to stand by helplessly as Laura and Romy did everything they could to get through to Carrie. But the succeeding days had proffered them no hope and Laura had eventually suggested gently that there was no more they could do for Carrie at this point.
Marlena's eyes filled with tears at the thought of her beloved stepdaughter closed away in some sort of institution. However, the realist in her accepted that they might be left with no other choice.
She sighed as she reached John's room.
"Are you all right Marlena?" Gene asked with concern. As hard as the shooting and it's aftermath had been on her, the past few days with Carrie had been almost as hard and he could see that she was still exhausted.
"I'm fine Gene," she turned to him and smiled. "You have to stop worrying. I'm not that fragile."
"I'm sorry," he shrugged apologetically. "It kind of goes with the territory."
"And what territory would that be?" Marlena raised her eyebrows as she crossed her arms.
"The territory of being your friend. Of caring about you." He shot her a benign smile. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable."
"Oh Gene," she took his hand in hers. "You don't. You could never make me feel uncomfortable. It's just...well, this is a complicated situation." She looked at him with a slight air of regret. "Maybe I'm more worried about making you feel uncomfortable. Of asking too much of you...expecting too much."
"Oh no," Gene said quickly, shaking his head. "You know I'd do anything for you."
"Well that's rather what I'm afraid of," she said quietly. "I feel like I've already taken advantage of our friendship too much. And given what's happened between us, I don't think that's fair."
"Look, you let me worry about what's fair or not okay?" Q told her firmly. "I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be. Now you go in and see that man of yours. All right?"
"All right." She squeezed his hand and nodded her acceptance.
Q watched her as she turned and acknowledged the policeman before she entered John's room. The truth was, as much as he was concerned about her, he was here for another reason. Because if their conversation went as far as he suspected it might, he could well be called on to answer some difficult questions. And account for some dubious decisions.
He wasn't particularly looking forward to it, but he was partly at fault for what had happened and he felt he had a responsibility to live up to those mistakes.
He shook his head as he sank into a chair, ignoring the guard who was watching him. He could barely believe he was staying around. He had changed so much. *She* had changed him so much. He wasn't surprised the Q were laughing at him. Not that he particularly cared. He rather liked this version of himself. It might not be easy, but people actually *cared* for him, and that was probably more than he could say for most of the rest of his existence. All those millions of years with no emotional attachments, all that freedom... all that boredom.
He was used to making people's lives miserable, not trying to make them better. This was somewhat of a new experience.
But then, so was loving somebody.
******
"Doc?" John's eyes lit up when he saw her enter the room.
"Hi baby," her smile seem to lend a brilliance to everything around her. It was as though when she was present, everything seemed more alive to John. More *real*. "How are you feeling?"
She sat gingerly on the edge of the bed but she didn't touch him. There seemed to be an unspoken agreement between the two of them that intimacy had to wait. At least until they had had a chance to talk. Lack of communication had been their undoing so many times. It seemed their physical and emotional closeness had often overwhelmed their attempts at communication and they hadn't worked at it as they should. This time they were determined not to make the same mistakes.
"Uh, well, I guess I feel a little better." John started to shrug as a matter of habit, but he couldn't hide his grimace as he was forced to stop, a little too late. He gave a rueful smile in reply to Marlena's concerned expression. "Yeah, it still hurts Doc. But they dose me up with painkillers when it gets too bad."
"Oh," Marlena nodded trying not to let her discomfort get the better of her. She had been waiting for this moment for so long. Maybe even longer than she realized but she knew it wasn't going to be a short, or an easy talk. And she had no idea where to even start. She usually felt so comfortable around John. He knew her so well, he could often read her thoughts before she even knew them herself. Well, he had at one time. And for all the awkward moments in the last few months, she wasn't sure she had ever felt as nervous and tense with him and she did now.
"Hey Doc," he said softly as he reached out and lay a hand over her balled fist. She was so tense she was almost shaking and he was worried. "What is it? C'mon, you can tell me." Suddenly a thousand other conversations that had started in this way flashed through her mind. Times when she wanted to tell him how she felt, but lost her courage, believing he no longer cared for her. Times she had seen him with Kristen and almost died inside when she realized again just how much she really loved him. She couldn't let anything more come between them. It was time to put an end to the fear and the misunderstandings.
"Marlena, is there something wrong?" John began to get nervous when she remained silent. "Honey, is it the kids...?"
"Oh no," Marlena looked at him and shook her head with a hint of a smile, "it's nothing like that. The kids are just fine."
"Well then what is it?" Her fingers unfurled under his touch and he gathered up her hand between his own. "You know, after everything...." his voice was raspy and she knew exactly the magnitude of what he was implying, "I can hardly believe you're even here. I must-"
"John, please," Marlena held up her free hand, asking him to stop. "There's something I need to say to you. Something I should have said a long time ago." She pressed her lips together and looked into his questioning eyes. Finally, she spoke again in a soft voice "I should have told you, but I let my anger and my pride get in the way."
She looked down at his hands and took a deep breath, trying to bring some semblance of calm to her voice.
"I....I realized when you were in surgery....I knew that I might lose you... forever," she pressed her lips together in an effort to keep the tears at bay but after a moment, she lost the struggle. "I...I felt as though part of me was dying with just the thought," she looked up at him, her hazel eyes glowing like molten amber, "that I might never...see you again."
"Hey Doc," he was infinitely tender as he lifted one of his hands and used gentle fingers to wipe away her falling tears. "It's okay. I'm fine, you don't need to think about it any more."
"No," she shook her head, her chin trembling, "it's not okay, don't you see? It shouldn't take something like this to make me be honest with myself, and with you." She sniffed and closed her eyes. "I...." She spoke slowly, "I let my *pride* and my fear get in the way of honesty... and I realized that ...if I never had a chance...to tell you the truth...I could never forgive myself."
"Doc," John shook his head in frustration. He hated to see her beating herself up over things that she had no control over. "Baby, we've both made mistakes. I know I've made more than I could ever make up for. But we can't let the guilt hold us hostage any more. It's in the past. What's important is that we are here now and we're being honest."
"What's important," Marlena's voice was low and husky and she tightened her fingers around his as she looked at him intently, "is that we stop making the same mistakes we have made over and over."
John nodded slowly. She was right. They had to be open and honest with their feelings this time. It was the only way they could be sure not to misunderstand and make assumptions.
"So what is it Marlena?" His voice was so gentle and loving it made her want to start weeping again. "Tell me what you're feeling."
"I..." Her voice faltered. Somehow, those small three words didn't cut it this time. She had to make him understand. Completely. "I guess I should have learnt my lesson huh?" her sad smile was tinged with the regret of hindsight. "All those years...we wasted *so* much time John." She shook her head and her brow creased between her eyes, just as it had in a thousand dreams that John had dreamed about her. "Honey...I was just so hurt, it ...it hurt so bad...." she shook her head. "I think it was just easier to convince myself I didn't care any more." He could see the remnants of the pain in her eyes and he suddenly felt it in his own soul, as though he was experiencing her agony first hand and it almost took his breath away.
He opened his mouth to apologize, to try and make her understand his distress over hurting her, but before he could say anything, she pressed her fingers to his lips.
"Please," she begged, "let me finish." He nodded, understanding that she needed to do this. For herself and for the both of them.
"I was wrong John." Her eyes brightened to a warm honey colour. "I thought I could ignore it and it would go away. But the fact is," she glanced down and then looked up at him from under lush eyelashes, "it never went away. It's never *going* to go away." She looked down at the hand that was curled around hers and she marveled at just how wonderful it felt just to touch him again. "What I'm trying to say...." her eyes swept up his body, flickering over every muscle, every familiar line until she met his expectant gaze. "Oh John, I love you so." She felt the tears fill her eyes again but this time she did nothing to stop them falling. "I tried to forget, tried to ignore how I feel but it's overwhelming, it's consuming." She shook her head, barely noticing that tears were falling from his cerulean eyes too. "I can't stop loving you." Her voice broke as she spoke, long choked emotions spilling out of her fast and true. "I don't want to try any more. I don't want to hurt any more. I...."
"Sweetheart," John's voice was hoarse with emotion as he tugged on her hand. He had pushed himself into a sitting position and he was now able to reach out to her. "You don't have to hurt any more," he tucked a strand of hair behind her air and then with shaking fingers, he swept the tears from under one hazel eye and then the other. "You don't have to pretend...." His voice shook almost as hard as his hand as he cupped her cheek with his palm. "Oh baby, I love you more than I could ever say. I love you more than anyone has any right to love. You're in my heart and you're in my very soul, Marlena." In the same way she had, he had to make sure she understood. That there was no doubt in her mind as to how much she meant to him. "I've made some very bad mistakes. I've let myself lose sight of the one thing I really needed in my life." Her tears were still falling and gently he swept them away with the pads of his thumbs, even as he felt his own tremble on the cusp of his cheek. "I probably don't deserve you Marlena...but baby, I just can't live without you. I've tried and I'm just miserable. There's no-one else for me. There never could be."
Marlena felt almost breathless as he spoke. She had longed to hear him tell her he loved her for so long but the desperation and the sincerity in his eyes and in his voice touched her to her soul.
A smile trembled on her lips, and John lifted his fingers and brushed them across the warm sensitive skin. Marlena closed her eyes and her breath caught as she felt his touch thrill through her body. And then, unexpectedly, she felt the baby flutter within her, and her eyes snapped open.
"Doc? What is it?" John was immediately worried. Had he said something he shouldn't have? Had he gone too far?
"There's something else I need to tell you," he was so close that she could almost taste him and urge to feel his lips crushing against hers almost overcame her. Yet she knew they had so much further to go yet.
"What is it sweetheart?" John was struggling with the same desires as Marlena but he could not do anything unless he was sure she was ready and wanted it too.
Marlena swallowed, unsure how prepared John was to hear the truth. Still, there was no easy way to break it.
"This baby," she looked down at her swelling belly and dropped her hand over it. "Honey, it's *not* Eugene's baby." Looking up at him, she saw the surprise slowly register on his face. "It's *your* baby."
"*My*....?" John was speechless for a moment as he looked at her bewilderedly. "What do you mean?"
"I mean," she couldn't help the small smile that curved her lips at his perplexity, "that it's *your* baby." She caught his hands up with hers and swept her thumbs over the back of his fingers, feeling the familiar roughness against her skin. "That night we made love just five months ago, we conceived a child." Another beautiful, loved child. "But I didn't realize until recently that I was pregnant. Otherwise...." her voice softened with repentance, "I would have told you straight away."
"But you didn't tell me," John was still trying to make sense of the fact that this was his child. *His* baby.
"I tried to," there was no recrimination in her voice but he saw the echo of pain in her eyes and he suddenly feared what she might say next. "The day I came up to see you in the loft. You thought I was there to tell you that Gene and I were together...." her voice faded as she saw comprehension cloud his eyes.
"You were coming to tell me you were pregnant?" In his mind, he could still hear the horrible, scathing words he had used against her and he could still see the pain and anger, smoldering hot in her eyes. Marlena said nothing, simply nodded. "Oh Doc," John sighed heavily, "I...." "It's okay," she was gentle, she didn't need to add to the punishment he was meting out on himself.
"No baby," he shook his head, "It's not okay."
"Yes it is," she squeezed his hands with her fingers, "we were both hurting. We *both* said things we shouldn't have." She shrugged and then, letting go of one hand she reached out to smooth a stray bit of hair away from his forehead. "You know, we're just people John. We do stupid things sometimes."
John looked at her dubiously.
"I'm sorry, baby," he said finally. "I never should have said those things. I was way out of line...." He coughed slightly and the pain caught in his chest, burning him with a flaring pain. Marlena started with concern but he muted her with a quick wave of his hand. Finally he was able to relax and he continued with his explanation. "It was just that the thought of you with someone else in your life was just too hard for me. It hurt so much and I lashed out at you. The one person I shouldn't have."
"We *both* did that," Marlena reminded him.
"It's *my* baby?" It hit him again but he still couldn't entirely comprehend it. He looked at the beautiful bump that swelled her stomach and then his eyes traveled up to meet hers.
"Mmm-hmmm," she nodded and her smile glistened in her eyes.
"But Eugene....?" John had to get this straight in his head.
"Honey," in her head Marlena tried to find the best way of explaining to him what had happened. "I'm a little over five months pregnant. It *has* to be your baby. It couldn't be any one else's. Gene and I," she paused, not wanting to hurt John. But these were things that needed to be spoken about before the healing could begin. "Well our relationship didn't start until..." She thought back, "I suppose it was the middle of February."
"February?" John looked surprised. February was...when he had gone to New York. Marlena nodded. "It didn't last very long. It ended when I discovered I was pregnant in early March. It was only a few weeks."
"Why Doc?" his question was quiet and she could see the thought of it still hurt him. Just as the thought of seeing him with Kristen still hurt her. "Why did you sleep with him?" His tone wasn't confrontational at all, but she felt the adrenaline racing through her body. Here was the conversation she had been dreading.
"It's not important," she heard her own voice saying words she hadn't intended to say. Her instinct for self preservation had kicked in, the thought of discussing that night too painful to confront.
"It's important to *me* Marlena," he sounded hurt and she flinched inwardly. "I....I'd thought maybe we had a chance until I saw...." he stopped abruptly, not voicing the thoughts and images that floated in his head. Maybe she was right, maybe they shouldn't go here. But it seemed that his words ensured that they were going to go there.
"We had a chance?" she seemed confused and more than a little angry. "How can you *say* that? If it wasn't for you taking Kristen back I never would have slept with Gene."
"Taking Kristen back?" It was John's turn to do a double take as the astonishment registered in his eyes. "What on earth are you talking about Doc?"
Marlena pulled her hands from his and edged back from him, her lips pressed together.
"The night...." She blinked rapidly, trying to regain her composure and she folded her arms, as though to ward off the pain of the memory. "All your gifts arrived." Her voice was shaking again as she relived it in her mind. "The missing ones... The card...the deed to the plane...." she looked away, cursing herself for being so weak. "I...I got all dressed up and Caroline came to mind the children," she couldn't even look at him and she hated that the thought of that night could still bring her to tears. "I came...I drove to you building. But when I came up, the door to the loft was open...." her eyes closed and she could see it in her mind. Every movement, every word, as vividly as if she were watching it all over again. "You were with *her*," her had dropped to barely a whisper, "you were...talking to the baby." She could hear his words even now and the betrayal that she felt had not lessened over time.
I love you and I love your Momma. She's..... Well, you'll find out baby. When you are born, you, me and your Momma, we'll be a real family.
John looked at her in shock. The memory of that night was emblazoned in his mind as much as it was in hers. But surely he must be wrong. *She* must be wrong. She hadn't been there that night. She couldn't have been. He would have known.
Suddenly, he remembered the strawberry charm he had found in the elevator on his way to the penthouse and then, something else he had forgotten completely. The scent of her perfume had been in his loft that night. He had thought it to be simply his imagination.
He felt sick as he looked at her pained eyes. He knew exactly what she was talking about and it was all becoming apparent with a horrible, sickening clarity.
"Doc," his voice was hoarse as he looked at her, the shock etched clearly across his face. She wanted to tell him it was okay, it didn't matter, but damnit, it *did* matter. The pain was still too raw even after all this time and she could not hide her anguish at his treachery. So she said nothing, just stared at him mutely. What was there to say after all?
John stared back, still in shock. Of *course* she had thought he was taking Kristen back. Why should she think any different? No-one had told her a thing. After everything else that he had done to her, why should she even question it?
"Oh Doc," he groaned.
"Well," her chin quivered as she tried to hold back her tears. "That's why." She was silent for a moment but still John said nothing. No explanations, no apologies. Nothing. "Can't you understand how that made me feel?" she demanded suddenly, feeling anger flood through her at John's seeming disinterest. "I...I felt as though my world had crashed around my ears. I felt as though it were the end of my world John and Gene was the one who got me through that. He kept me sane."
Gene. Eugene who knew the truth. John's heart tightened with a multitude of emotions as he looked at her. The tears had left her lashes spiky while her eyes burned with honesty and a violated love that made him feel lower than he could ever have imagined.
"Sweetheart," it was a whisper and it curled around her, drawing her back to him. "Baby," his concern and distress echoed in the furrows around his eyes, "I am *so* sorry that you saw that. If I had known...."
"What?" she shrugged her shoulders trying not to let her bitterness show, "What difference would that have made? Maybe you could explain this to me John because I just don't understand it. I don't understand any of it."
"All right," John nodded slowly. "I'll explain it. But it's not what you're expecting to hear, so I need you to just bear with me."
He thought for a moment about reaching out to take her hand in his, but her body language was screaming for him to stay away from her and in a sense he couldn't blame her.
"After...after that night, when you threw me out," he said in a low, choked voice as he looked down at the cotton bedcover, "after I read your journal, I couldn't even *stand* the sight of Kristen." He looked up at the woman he loved, willing her to listen, to really listen and understand. "I went to see her though and I demanded to know why she did what she did. Doc...I...I just couldn't see her and not think of all the pain she put you through." I still can't, he added wordlessly.. "But she started miscarrying the baby and it wasn't until later that we discovered that she had been carrying twins and that she'd lost one of them."
Marlena looked mildly surprised but confused as to how this had lead to her seeing John kneeling in front of Kristen at the loft. Or at least how it might mitigate that.
"At that point Eugene suggested to me that the parentage of this child might not be as Kristen claimed."
"Gene did?" Now she really was surprised. She knew how Gene had felt about John at that point in time and she hadn't even been aware that they had discussed anything, let alone Kristen's baby.
"Yeah, he made it his business to get pretty involved," John nodded, "I think, looking back, he was trying to help. I suppose he did help in a way."
"So?" she still didn't see exactly how this was supposed to constitute an explanation of what she had seen. At least not an explanation that she wanted to hear.
"So, once Mike was sure the baby was out of danger, I asked Kristen to have a DNA test to confirm paternity of the baby." He leaned back against the pillows, the emotion and intensity of this discussion taking it's toll. "I was sure that the baby wasn't mine and that once I found out for sure I'd be free of Kristen's claim to me. I thought about telling you but I decided to wait until I got the results."
"But the baby was yours." Marlena continued his monologue for him, her voice dull. She didn't even know why he was insisting on telling her this. She just didn't want to hear it. "I guess it must have been pretty emotional for you."
"The baby was mine yes," he nodded, "but something really odd came up in the test results Marlena. They re-ran them just to be sure." Marlena heard the hint of excitement in his voice and it whetted her curiosity.
"What kind of odd?" she shrugged her shoulders.
"None of us could work it out. *My* DNA profile matched the baby's, but Kristen's *didn't*."
Marlena leaned back slightly and regarded him as though he had just some out with something totally insane. Which in her estimation, he had.
"You're trying to tell me that that baby Kristen is carrying is *your* baby, but it's not hers?" she looked disbelieving then, like he was trying to pull a fast one on her.
"I *swear* Doc," John's enthusiasm seemed almost out of place for a moment, "ask Mike if you need to. He'll confirm it."
Marlena continued to stare at him for several long moments and John wasn't sure that she didn't think he had gone totally around the bend. "But if it's not..." her brow furrowed again, "then who....?"
John said nothing, but he couldn't help the stupid grin that flickered at the corner of his lips. Marlena's eyes widened slightly and she sat up.
"No...." she shook her head unequivocally.
John's smile broadened.
"No...." she shook her head again. "No John. You must be wrong." She stared at him as though suddenly he might admit that this was all just a terrible joke. But there was no admission forthcoming. She began to shake her head again, trying to convince him that he was wrong, that he *must* be wrong. "There's just no possible way...."
"It's true Doc..." John raised his eyebrows as he nodded his confirmation. "The baby is *ours*. Yours and mine."
"It *can't* be." She shook her head wildly, trying to blot out his words. She felt as though her world were spinning. But crookedly, as though somehow with several tiny words, it had simply toppled off it's axis.
"Baby, I know it's hard to understand," John reached out and covered her hand with his. She flinched, but he was gratified to find that this time, she did not pull away. "I don't really understand the mechanics of it myself...."
"But why would Kristen....?" Marlena shook her head. It was crazy. It made no sense.
"Honey, she doesn't know," John told her patiently. "That's partly the point. She has no idea that this baby is yours. She thinks it's hers and mine and that it's going to make us a family."
"But how....?" her hazel eyes pleaded with him to give her something solid. Something that made sense, that would place her on terra firma again.
"I don't really know," John said gently, "Eugene explained it as some weird alternate universe cosmic crossover. I don't really understand but Doc, we're talking about a guy who can appear and disappear out of thin air. I don't really think we can afford to have a closed mind here."
Creases furrowed her brow and Marlena felt another headache settle in behind her eyes. She was a doctor, a scientist and this was simply insane. She shouldn't believe it. But then should she had have disbelieved it when she opened her eyes to find herself on top of the Empire State Building several months ago?
"So when..." the impetus of her sentence faded as her thoughts drifted to that night at the loft. If the baby that Kristen carried, as absurd as it seemed, was actually *hers*.... She looked up at John with wide eyes.
John nodded, heavy with regret. This was so hard, knowing that the sorrow and pain of the past few months could have been so easily avoided.
"Oh." Her shoulders dropped and she turned from him, her eyes swimming with dammed tears.
"Doc," his voice was almost like a caress and she felt his fingers whisper over hers before he grasped her hand, "if I had only known...."
All that time....
Marlena shook her head, a tear tracing over her cheek. He hadn't been talking about Kristen at all. He had been talking about *her*. About the family that he wanted to make with Belle and Brady and *her*.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she whispered miserably. "John, all that *time*...why didn't you *tell* me?"
"I wanted to. Oh baby," John shook his head sharing her pain at the hand that they both now realized fate had dealt them and the part they themselves had played in it. "You have no idea how much I wanted to tell you."
"Well then why *didn't* you?" she slapped his hand away angrily feeling suddenly as though she had a new and different kind of betrayal to come to terms with. "God John, that's *my* baby and you didn't even think that I might want to *know*?"
"That wasn't how it was," he said with an intensity that almost surprised her.
"It wasn't?" she wasn't going to let him unsettle her that easily. "Well how was it John? Did you do it on purpose or could you just not be *bothered* telling me?" Another though came to her mind and she voiced it immediately, lashing out at him in her anger and confusion. "*When* were you going to tell me? Were you even going to tell me at all?
"Of course I was," he shot back, amazed that she would even think such a thing.
"What? When you put the baby in my arms. Oh by the way Marlena, this baby isn't Kristen's, it's yours." She turned away bitterly. "That's quite some fait accompli."
"Oh Doc I...." He shook his head sadly. She was right, he wasn't even sure when he had been intending to tell her. She had every right to the devastation she felt right now. It was just another way he had failed her.
Marlena waited for his denial, but it didn't come. As quickly as she had realized that all the pain they had been through in the last few months had been for nothing, her misery had transmuted swiftly into anger. It was *her* baby. As unlikely as it seemed, she had a right to know and they had kept it from her. Deliberately it seemed. He and Gene.
Her heart sank even lower as she contemplated the thought of Eugene knowing the truth. He had known this whole time. He had made love to her knowing that Kristen carried her child. How could he do that to her? He had told her that he wanted to help her, he wanted to be her friend...but how could a friend *do* that?
"Why don't you tell me how it was John?" she suddenly turned to him, "or even better, why don't we get Eugene in here and *he* can tell us how it was."
"Marlena-" John had his own reasons to be angry at Eugene, but he wasn't at all sure he wanted to include his erstwhile competitor in this conversation.
Marlena, it seemed, had other thoughts as she was already at the door.
Gene looked up as he heard the door open and he felt his stomach churn as Marlena glared at him. John had told her the truth, and now it was his turn to pay the piper. And looking at her, he didn't know if he was going to make it through this in one piece.
Following her into the room, he turned around as she slammed the door behind her.
"Well?" she demanded without prevarication, her hands on her hips.
"M-Marlena, I...." Words failed him and he was suddenly struck by how much she reminded him of the 'old' Marlena, the one he had known in his previous incarnation as Eugene Bradford in the early 1980's. She had terrified him on occasion then and the fury that burned in her eyes was frightening him now.
"Marlena, don't you think -" John tried to interrupt.
"No John," she waved his words away, "I want to hear what Eugene has to say on this matter. I want to know why when he claimed over and over that he wanted to be my friend and he wanted to help, that the one thing he *didn't* do, was tell me the *truth*. I want to know why he didn't think I would be interested to know that Kristen was carrying *my* baby."
"We thought it was best..." Q offered lamely.
"*Best*? Best for *whom* Eugene?" she asked sharply, the thought of his deception feeding her bitterness. "Maybe it worked out best for *you*, but it certainly wasn't best for me. Or John."
"That's hardly fair Marlena," Q countered, red-faced at her implication.
"Fair? Oh please don't talk to me about what's *fair*," she sounded highly exasperated. "I found John talking to what I *thought* was Kristen's baby, I heard him tell it that he loved it's mother and that they were going to be a family. Then I came home and you took me to bed Eugene. So please don't quote *fairness* to me."
"You *what*?" Q felt as though he'd been kicked in the stomach. That wasn't how it had happened.....it wasn't how she had *told* him it had happened. She had told him and she and John had broken up. For good. He had assumed.....well he wasn't sure what he had assumed. Maybe he had chosen just not too think about it too carefully. But if he had known the truth...
John watched the exchange silently. He had plenty of his own reasons to be furious at Eugene, but he could see that the man was genuinely shocked, and more than that, he was devastated at the thought that he had hurt the woman he loved. John could read the expression like he was looking in a mirror and he almost felt sorry for the guy.
"Doc, why don't you give him a break," John suggested, not at all sure that he wanted to hear the rest of this discussion. "You know, he made a mistake. We both did."
Marlena completely ignored John and continued to glower in Q's direction.
"You *said* you were my friend Gene. You said you loved me, that you wanted me to be happy."
"It's true, all of it was....*is* true," he tried to reassure her.
"Then *why* did you lie to me? I trusted you. How could you make love to me and know that John was only with Kristen because of *my* baby?" Struggling with her emotions, she turned her back on him.
"It wasn't like that Marlena," Q took a step towards her, "If I had known about what happened with John I would have told you the truth. You *have* to believe me."
"*Why* do I have to believe you?" she turned back to him, betrayal white-hot in her eyes. "You *knew* how much I loved John, how much I wanted to be with him." Her anger crumbled as she faced him and tears filled her eyes. She was so tired, so damn tired of feeling like this. "I don't understand Gene."
"You told me that you and John had broken up and you refused to elaborate. I tried to ask you what had happened but you refused to talk about it." She could hear the earnestness in his voice and it tempered Marlena's anger as she listened.
"I know I was selfish, but Marlena I *never* meant to hurt you. It was the last thing I ever wanted." Q could hear the desperation in his own voice but he didn't care. All of a sudden he was faced with the very real prospect that through his own stupid, selfish actions, he might have lost Marlena's friendship forever. And he couldn't bear the thought of that. "I didn't want....I only wanted to help you. I tried.....I really tried not to take advantage of...." he petered out, aware that John was listening to their every word and suddenly realizing that if he went much further he might well compromise Marlena in front of the man she loved.
Marlena turned slowly to look at him and the wretchedness in his eyes sparked a memory of that night.
"Please Marlena," the words tumbled out almost too quickly, as if he had been rehearsing them in his head. "I don't want your pity. Really, I can handle anything but that."
Marlena's expression became serious as, in an intimate gesture, she smoothed the hair at his temple. "Oh Eugene," she whispered with a hint of a smile. "I don't *pity* you." She stared straight into his eyes as she spoke the truth that came from her heart. "I *want* you."
She contemplated him for a moment and then her expression softened. The reminder of what had happened that night made her realize that he was telling the truth. He hadn't done this on purpose. He was right, she hadn't told him exactly what had happened with John and he *had* tried to help her. He'd even tried ever so briefly to resist her when she had decided what she wanted but she had made that next to impossible for him. She really couldn't blame him for that.
Sighing, she turned around to face him.
"I'm sorry Gene," she said slowly, her voice betraying her emotional exhaustion, "I shouldn't have said those things. You're right, I was being unfair." Wearily, she pushed the hair back from her face. "But I *still* don't understand why neither of you told me about the baby. You could have saved us all a lot of pain if only you'd been honest"
"We wanted to tell you," Gene offered quietly. "But the big problem was that we already knew that Kristen was unbalanced and we knew how much of a threat she could pose."
"I knew you'd want to know about the baby," John added, "but Doc, my first priority had to *be* the baby." He smoothed the covers on his bed, entreating her to come and sit down next to him. However she remained where she was, waiting to hear the explanation before she made any concessions.
John nodded wordlessly and then continued.
"Honey, can you imagine Kristen's reaction once she finds out the baby that she thinks is going to bind us together is not hers? Can you imagine her rage and who she might take it out on?" He shook his head, the thoughts too distressing to dwell on for too long. "I couldn't risk that. I couldn't take the chance that she might find out and try and harm the baby."
Marlena was silent for a moment, digesting his words.
"All right," she yielded, "I do understand that," she could see his point but she didn't think it was entirely valid, "but you have to know I never would have done *anything* that would have put my baby at risk."
"Sweetheart, can you imagine watching Kristen, every moment of every day, knowing everything she's doing could affect your baby?" John asked gently. "Can you imagine seeing her pick up a glass of wine or hearing her talk about hiring a nanny? Can you imagine it and then can you tell me definitively that you could stand back and do or say absolutely nothing to her?"
Marlena was silent as she stared at him. She wanted so much to tell him that he was wrong, that she was stronger than that. But she couldn't.
"Baby, I know you so well." He tried to sit up straighter but gasped with the pain that lanced through his side. Forgetting her bad humor, Marlena moved to his side and gently held him until the pain had passed. Then she helped him reposition so that he was comfortable.
With a shaking hand, John reached out and brushed his fingers down Marlena's cheek. "I know how much you love your children. I know what lengths you would go to for them," he shrugged. "Maybe you're right, maybe I should have told you, trusted that you could keep it from her. But I just couldn't risk that chance that she could find out. Although," the expression on her face almost broke his heart, "if I had known the pain it could cause you, baby I would have taken that risk. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything, for all the pain I've caused you...." He didn't know what else to say. There was no amount of apologies that would turn back the clock and undo the hurt and betrayal.
"I'm sorry too," her chin trembled as she spoke. "If I...." She felt slightly dizzy and she couldn't organize her thoughts into a coherent train.
"There's something else you need to know Doc," his expression sobered even more if that was at all possible. "I....after I saw you and Eugene....." he looked over at Q who was leaning against the wall, looking as though he'd rather be anywhere but here. Catching John's glance, Q motioned to the door and nodded. He would wait outside until Marlena wanted to talk to him again. John waited until he was gone before he continued.
"Well I....I didn't know what to do. So I just ran. I drove until I found myself in New York."
"New York?" Marlena had a sinking feeling and her mind echoed his words even before he spoke them.
"I saw you there. The two of you, in the park." She recognized the look in his eyes. It was the same agony she had seen in her own so many times.
"John I..." she shook her head. How much had he seen? What had he heard? She had never wanted to hurt him like that. She knew only too well what it cost.
"Hey," he tried to smile, to deny the pain simmering in his heart, "I guess I deserved everything I got huh?" Marlena pressed her lips together and shook her head. She couldn't bear this, to know that she had hurt him so badly.
"John, I never meant for that to happen. Any of it. I never meant to hurt you. Not like that."
"Oh baby," he hadn't told her to make her feel guilty. That was the last thing he wanted. He caught her hand up in his, "I know. I know."
"No you don't know. You *don't*." There was no way he could know how absolutely wretched she felt right now. She looked at him and caught a spark of something in his eye. Or was there?
"Marlena, I look back on the last few years and I just wonder how I could have been so blind. How I could not have seen what was right there in front of me. And I think about every time I ever touched that woman and then turned around to find you standing there and I want to die. I feel like I dirtied something precious and pure by trying to deny our love. I know I hurt you over and over and I feel like I can never be worthy of you because I didn't have the courage to fight for you and our love." The words came pouring out and John almost surprised himself at the depth of passion in them. "What you did was nothing compared to what I put you through. I know that. I deserved to experience some of the same pain. Maybe I couldn't really have understood the extent of what you suffered unless I suffered some of the same."
"That doesn't make it *right* John," Marlena's voice was husky with emotion. "That doesn't excuse what I did. It doesn't mean that I don't have to apologize-"
"All right," he cut in, "I understand what you're saying and we can discuss this later. But right now there's more that you have to understand about Kristen and the baby." He continued before she could say anything more. "You're right, I was hurt. I didn't understand what I was hearing and I didn't want to understand it. So I flew back to Salem and took the kids away. And that was wrong of me and we can discuss that later too. But the point I'm trying to get to is, while I was away Doc," he slowed down, giving her time to digest his words, "Kristen tried to take her own life."
Marlena wasn't entirely sure she could deal with this new information. She was having enough trouble coping with what John had already revealed.
"She tried to kill herself?" she whispered tremulously.
"She took a bottle of tranquilizers and then left a message on my machine," John studied the backs of Marlena's hand as he stroked his thumb over her lightly tanned skin, "luckily Peter found her in enough time that they could clear most of the drugs out of her system but she was very depressed. Mike was worried that the moment she was released from hospital she would try to kill herself again. And the next time she might have succeeded."
"Oh no," Marlena's voice was raised barely above a whisper. As much as she hated Kristen for what she had done to her family, Marlena was still a compassionate woman and the thought of anyone suffering so much that they wanted to end their own life elicited some sympathy. "Couldn't Mike do something?"
"He outlined the options," John looked up at her, and she saw the turmoil that he had been through echo in his eyes, "he couldn't commit her for anything but very short term, he didn't like the idea of medicating her because of the alcohol and tranquilizers she had already ingested, so...." he paused uncertain how to continue.
"That was why she was in the hospital," Marlena realized, her thoughts running along their own lines.
"Peter didn't want anybody to know why so I couldn't tell you," he squeezed her hand, "I *did* want to Marlena." She nodded her comprehension of what he must have been through those few trying days. "Mike concluded that Kristen's depression stemmed from our break-up," he continued, "she had lost all hope that we might get back together," he looked up at Marlena regretfully, "I was pretty nasty to her when I came back from New York." He took a deep breath and flinched once again with the pain.
"Honey," Marlena lifted her hand to his face in concern, "if you're too tired, we can finish this later."
"*No*," his eyes flew open and he grabbed her hand, "I won't let there be anything left unspoken between us Marlena. Not again. I love you too much to take any more chances." Marlena's eyes filled with tears and she gave him a watery smile.
"Anyway," John continued somberly, "Mike felt that the only option left to us was to give Kristen something to hold onto."
"You," Marlena finished for him.
John nodded, hating the sadness in her eyes, knowing that he had put it there. Softly, his fingers skimmed up her arm and then his palm cupped her cheek.
"You don't know how much I agonized over that decision," he whispered. "Even though I knew you were with Eugene, I still knew how much it would kill you know find out I was back with her."
"But I already thought you were," Marlena told him dully.
"I realize that now," he nodded. "I just never could have forgiven myself if our baby died because of something I didn't do. Something I could have done."
"Of course you had to do it," Marlena covered his hand with hers, loving the roughness on her cheek, "*I* know that now."
"It was the hardest thing I ever had to do Doc," he told her, "but it worked. The baby is out of danger now."
"Was it...." she faltered, "was our baby affected when she...."
"Honey, they don't really know," he shook his head, "all the tests they could do came up clear. The baby seems to be okay, but it is very small for eight months. The doctors want Kristen to try and go as long as she can before giving birth so she's been resting."
"John," Marlena suddenly looked at him askance, "how much do you remember of the night you came in here?" John was silent for a moment and he dropped his hand from her face, twisting it so he held her hand in his.
"Not a whole lot Doc," he admitted, "I've been trying to remember but it's real hazy. I tried to find out from one of the nurses but they weren't saying a whole lot."
"Oh honey," she shifted on the bed, trying to find a more comfortable position, "Kristen hadn't been resting. She'd put together a big party at the Penthouse Grill and she asked you to marry her in front of everyone."
John stared at Marlena for a moment as the memory of Kristen in a white gown flickered into his mind. And then the expression on Marlena's face.....
"I told her I couldn't marry her," he finished for her.
"Mmmm-hmmm," she nodded, a ghost of a smile on her lips.
"I couldn't even contemplate it," he told her fiercely. "I love *you* Doc. I'll always love you."
"I think you almost told her that too," her smile faltered and the spark in her eyes extinguished as she recalled what it was that had cut him off.
"Doc?" John tilted her head so that she was looking at him, "what is it?"
"It's not important John, at least let's not get into it now okay?" she entreated him.
"Marlena, honesty remember?" John wasn't about to be swayed by her supplication. "No more secrets."
"John you've been through so much, you must be exhausted. Really, this will wait till you're stronger."
"Doc-"
"John, please." Marlena herself was exhausted and she wasn't sure *she* had the strength to break the news to him about Carrie at this point, let alone be sure that he had the strength to deal with it. "It's not important."
John could see the stress and exhaustion around her eyes. She obviously hadn't been sleeping well and this pregnancy was probably tiring her. And truth be known, she was right, he was fatigued too and this had been an emotionally trying afternoon.
"Okay Doc, but we will talk about this later okay?"
"Okay," she nodded, letting her body relax slightly as she contemplated him. "John?"
"Yeah Doc?" he saw the smile spread across her face and it was reflected on his own. "What?"
"I..." she shrugged with an irrepressible grin, "I don't know. Just that I love you and now I can finally tell you that .....it feels strange to be able to say it out loud."
"I know exactly what you mean," John nodded, "we've got a whole lot of readjusting to do."
"It might not be as easy as we want it to be," Marlena warned soberly.
"I know sweetheart, but let's not put roadblocks in our way before we've even started,' he suggested softly.
"Okay," she tried to cover her yawn but she was unsuccessful.
"Hey," he smiled at her tenderly, "you really are tired aren't you?"
"I haven't been sleeping terribly well," she admitted, neglecting to tell him that Carrie was the reason.
"Why don't you lie down here with," he grunted as he shifted sideways a little, "me for a while."
"I should really go," she said quietly, "you need your rest."
"I can rest just as well with you here," he said positively, "in fact I'd rest better *with* you here. Please baby?" She couldn't resist him when he looked at her like that, she had never been able to and with a slightly rueful smile, she nodded.
Stretching out on the bed next to him, she felt his arm slip under her and she turned to find his immeasurably blue eyes twinkling as he guided her close to him. His other arm came up and he smoothed the hair around her face as she gazed at him.
"I love you," she whispered.
"I love you too," he replied as he pulled her close.
Marlena sighed happily as she snuggled against him, careful not to disturb his wound but simply reveling in the peace that she found being so close to him. For John, it was though having her close simply banished any pain and all he could feel was her warmth and her sweet breaths and it was heavenly.
"I'd lost all hope that I'd even hold you like this again," he said eventually. "I feel as though I've been given a second chance."
"We both have," Marlena opened her hazel eyes and looked up at him, "you almost died John. We're both very, very lucky and we ought never to forget that."
"I promise never ever to take you for granted Doc," he whispered, "I've tried living my life without you in it and it's not something I ever want to do again."
"You won't ever have to," she promised, her heart full of sincerity. "Because from now on baby, you're stuck with me."
"I like the sound of that," he murmured as he buried his face in her hair. Marlena hummed her agreement as she rested her cheek against his good shoulder, feeling the distant beating of his heart echoing through his warm skin.
It was several moments later that she felt the tiny life flutter within her.
"John," she whispered as she took his hand, "the baby's moving." John said nothing, simply flattened his hand against the soft curve of her belly where she placed it and waited. It was only seconds before he felt the tiny nudges against his hand where the baby kicked. A broad smile stretched across his face as he looked at her in wonder, his eyes shining. "That's our baby," she told him, tears glistening in her eyes. John nodded wondrously, almost lost for words.
"We get to share it this time," he brushed his thumb across her cheek infinitely slowly as he gazed at her. Sharing something so intimate and beautiful was only strengthening the love and connection that was between them. "This time we'll bring our baby into the world *together* Marlena. No fear or shame or guilt. This time we can tell the world this is *our* baby."
"Oh John," she barely breathed the words as he leaned closer and tenderly nuzzled her face. The feeling of having him so close was almost overwhelming and her heart was pounding in her chest. This was a moment that she had thought would never happen again and she just wanted to capture the feeling in her memory forever. Pulling back, John touched his shaking fingers to her cheek and traced a line down to her chin. Then, tentatively, he drew his index finger over her lower lip, watching as her lips parted before raising his eyes to her honeyed ones.
His fingers were fluid as they slid under her chin and tilted her head back. Marlena barely felt anything but a tingle and a hint of warmth as he brushed his lips past hers. Still their eyes stayed locked as he hovered, so close, but yet not close enough. And then she could feel him, his warm lips grazing hers, the sweet, wet warmth of his kiss as it deepened and she closed her eyes reflexively, submitting to him as her senses seemed to merge into one singular awareness where they joined, where the two became one.
She was jolted out of it as John pulled back suddenly
"Mmmph," he rolled back on the bed, his injured shoulder suddenly throbbing.
"Honey, are you okay?" Marlena's concern overrode any other thought.
"Fine," John gritted his teeth and rode out the pain. Finally when it was gone, he turned to Marlena. "Apparently your kiss packs a hell of a kick Doc," he grinned. "Actually it's probably more like I just can't resist getting carried away with you."
"Well you're going to *have* to resist it. At least for a while anyway," she told him, not completely able to hide her worry.
"Okay," he nodded tiredly, rolling his head back on the pillow, suddenly barely able to keep his eyes open.
"Good," she breathed a little easier. "Let's just get a little rest okay?"
"Mmmm-hmmmm," his drowsiness seemed infectious and Marlena felt her own eyelids growing heavy. Yawning, she snuggled against him again.
"Doc?" he murmued as his arm curled around her.
"Mmmm?" she wrapped her own arm around his waist.
"I love you," he spoke very softly.
"I love you too," she smiled contentedly as they lay comfortably together. Moments later, the room was filled with soft, steady breaths as the couple slept blissfully in each others arms.
It was twenty minutes later that Q opened the door. He couldn't help but smile when he saw the expression on Marlena's face. It was as though everything was finally right in her world and he couldn't argue with that.
Taking a spare cotton blanket from the nearby cupboard, he covered her with it and then noiselessly, he left the room. He was in no hurry to go anywhere and Marlena could certainly use the sleep.
Sinking into a chair across the way, he settled in for a long wait.
It was almost dark when Marlena finally woke. Lying in the half-light, she smiled as she listened to John's quiet, regular breaths, purely enjoying the feeling of his body next to hers. After a few moments, she propped herself up on her elbow and looked at him with a loving smile. He really looked content, in a way that he had not for such a long time.
She supposed it had been the same for him as it had for her, as though there was always something missing, something slightly *flat* about her life without him. Things never looked quite as colourful, food never tasted as good.....she never slept quite so well as she did in his arms.
Her heart fluttered as he stirred in his sleep. She could just watch him like this forever. If this moment never ended she would be utterly content. Her fingers slid over the rumpled blue cotton of his hospital gown before they encountered the cool skin of his upper arm. Continuing her journey, her fingers drifted through the coarse hair that dusted his lower arms until she met his fingers where they rested against her thickened waist.
Ever so carefully, she lifted his hand and slipped out from under the cotton blanket. Waiting to make sure that he was still sleeping peacefully, she dropped a sweet kiss on his forehead. Then, without a noise, she opened the door and closed it quietly behind her.
Looking around, she spotted Eugene dozing in a chair several yards away. Seating herself beside him, she placed her hand over his.
"Gene?" she asked cautiously.
"Mmm....wh...huh?" his eyes shot open and he looked around as though he thought he was going to find something unexpected and not entirely welcome.
"Gene, it's just me," she tried to reassure him.
"Oh Marlena," he slapped his hand to his chest, "don't frighten me like that."
"I'm sorry," she couldn't help her grin. Some things didn't change. "You didn't have to stay and wait you know Gene."
"Well I.....," he looked down at his hands and then tentatively back at her, "I had the impression that maybe we hadn't said everything we need to say."
Marlena's smile faltered and her eyes flitted to the window of John's room and then back to Q.
"I don't quite know what to say Gene," she said in a low voice.
"You're still angry at me," he was glum.
"Well....no....yes...." Marlena shook her head, "I don't know Gene. I'm still trying to absorb all this." She paused for a moment, trying to put her emotions into words. "I *do* wish you'd told me the truth. I understand I guess why you didn't, but Gene, it would have made so much *difference*."
"I know," he replied miserably.
If he *had* told her the truth, *they* would never had happened. That much was clear to him now. And he was terribly torn over that. In his head he knew the right thing would have been to tell her, but a small, selfish part of him kept whispering that he had been right to keep quiet. And yet for what? He had loved her, however he had certainly lost her and it seemed he had merely been a substitute for the man she had really wanted all along.
"I'm sorry Marlena," he said sadly, "I wish I had some defence that would make you feel like all this has been worth something, but I don't. I'm sorry my silence wasted so much time and caused you so much pain. I..." he wanted to say he would do anything to go back and change it, but he couldn't even convince *himself* it was true, so he wasn't about to try with her. "I just want you to know that none of...what happened...I didn't plan any of it and I'd give anything not to have hurt you."
"Oh Gene," being that she was a listener by profession and adept at reading between lines, she grasped a lot more of what Eugene meant than he had put into words, "honey I don't feel like it was wasted time. Not you and me," she took one of his hands between hers. "I feel cheated at the time John and I lost yes, but that doesn't mean I regret what happened between us. That was special and just because it wasn't lasting....it doesn't mean I don't cherish those memories."
"But if I'd told you the truth it never would have happened, Marlena," he was making himself more wretched with every word, "you and John could have been together all that time. You wanted to be....I just got in the way. I'm sorry."
"Oh honey," she could deal with anything but his self-pity right now, "without you I might have lost myself all together. *Yes* you should have told me, but the fact is that you didn't and I think I understand why. I don't want to think about the ifs now. It happened and we had a wonderful time. Let's just remember it as that and concentrate on the present."
Q looked at her in surprise. He didn't know what he had expected from her, but it hadn't been that. Had he been looking for sympathy? He didn't think so, he hoped not. He hoped he'd at least learnt something from the past few months. Maybe he had expected her to be less forgiving of his weaknesses, to admit that he was right...*he* had simply been a mistake on her way to where she wanted to be. But there it was again, that damn selfishness. It wasn't about him, this wasn't about him and he had to stop obsessing about what she thought of him. That wouldn't get him anywhere but in her bad books.
"Gene," she interrupted his ragged train of thought, "I'm sorry I was so hard on you in there. I was just shocked and upset and I let my temper get the better of me. I hope you'll forgive me?"
"Forgive you?" he was genuinely surprised, "if you're not angry with me, how on earth could I be upset with you?"
Marlena gave him a beautiful, sunlit smile.
"How can I be angry? I'm so happy I think I could just die."
"Well don't do that!" he teased her, "that would be a bit of a waste I think." He paused and looked at her. The sleep really seemed to have done her the world of good and she looked absolutely radiant. He didn't think he'd ever seen her more happy and serene. "Congratulations," he offered softly, "I couldn't be more happy for you. And if anyone deserves all the love and happiness in the world, it's you. I'm really glad you found what you were looking for."
"Oh Gene," she leant her head on one side, "thank you. That means a lot to me. Though I don't think we can assume anything yet. We've got a lot left to overcome and a lot to get through. I don't think it's going to be easy."
"If any couple can get through the bad times, it's you two," Q assured her. "You were destined to be together you know."
"I think so," Marlena agreed, her eyes shining, "I think we've finally proved that to ourselves, and to each other."
On a sudden impulse, she threw her arms around him.
"Thank you," she whispered, "thank you for loving me and thank you for having the courage to let me go."
"And thank you for understanding," he squeezed his eyes tightly shut as he held her tightly for a long minute.
And then the moment was over and Marlena pulled back.
"I'd better get back to John."
"Okay," Gene nodded, "do you want me to wait for you?"
"No, I want you to come in with me," she surprised him as she pulled on his hands. "We still have some things to decide about this situation with Kristen and I'd like your input. If that's okay with you," she added.
"As long as you're sure," he nodded raising his eyebrows, "yeah."
"I'd really appreciate it," she tugged on his hand again and with no further conversation, they went back into John's room.
"There you are," John's relief was written all over his face, "I was wondering where you were."
"Did you miss me, baby?" she teased him as she reclaimed her spot on the bed next to him.
"I woke up and you weren't here," his eyes were earnest, "and I started to wonder if I'd just dreamt it all."
"Oh honey," her voice was like a gentle caress as she leant to brush her lips across his cheek, "this is definitely not a dream."
"Good," he lifted his fingers to her face and gazed into her eyes.
"Hrrmmmm," Gene cleared his throat from where he stood near the door. Marlena looked up a little guiltily.
"Sorry," she told him apologetically.
"Well as nice as it is to see the two of you together," Q ventured as sincerely as he could manage, "I'd love some dinner at some stage tonight. So if you want to talk about Kristen DiMera, can we do it now?"
"Talk about Kristen?" John seemed a little disoriented.
"We've got to decide what to do about this situation," Q appraised him. "Kristen seems to think that if C-" he suddenly noticed Marlena's subtle gesturing and realized that John still had no idea of the real reason that he was in the hospital. "Um, I mean she seems to be in denial over the fact that you refused to marry her. She thinks that as soon as you get out of hospital you're going to be one big happy family."
"You don't need to tell me that," John mumbled unhappily.
"John, how do you think she's going to react when you break it off with her? If she finds out that this baby is not Gene's as she thinks it is?" Marlena's voice was thick as she considered the possibilities. None of them were particularly appealing, knowing the state of Kristen's mind.
"Doc," John paused and shook his head, "she's so beyond irrational that I just don't know *what* she might do. I mean, there's unpredictable and then there's Kristen...." He leant his head back against the stark white pillows and pursed his lips. "If she were to find out the truth now, especially the fact that you're carrying my baby Doc, I really think she might go off the deep end. Even if we weren't together, I think she'd see you as a major threat."
He stared at Marlena again, thinking how incredibly beautiful she was and how, after everything he had done he was so lucky that she had forgiven him. "You're the doc, Doc. What do you think?"
"I think," Marlena began slowly, "that you know her pretty well. She seems extremely unstable to me. Ignoring all the other 'problems'," she slipped a protective hand over her belly as if to imply that she certainly didn't view her baby as a problem. "Even if you were simply to break it off with her, Kristen is quite possibly psychotic enough to try and harm her own...." pausing, she corrected herself, "the baby she is carrying." She frowned unhappily. "As long as she thinks that that baby connects you, she will use it however she can to get your attention."
"I wouldn't be so sure," Gene moved towards the bed, "that it would be her own baby first. I think we have to realize that although she might be insane, she's certainly not stupid." He scowled as he spoke. He hated that woman almost as much as John did, if not more. "If you dump her now John, she's going to put two and two together and she's fairly likely, in my estimation, to come up with four."
"You think she'll blame Marlena?" John raised his eyebrows.
"She seems to blame Marlena for everything under the sun as it is," Q replied sardonically. "I'm sure she'd blame global warming on Marlena if she could."
Marlena felt a chill run through her as she remembered the flashes of madness in Kristen's eyes at the Penthouse Grille as she lunged at her. Q was apparently having the same memory.
"You didn't see her at the restaurant after....." he didn't quite know exactly how much John knew about the evening in question and he didn't want to accidentally give too much away. "She went absolutely berserk. I think she would have torn Marlena apart with her bare hands if she'd have had the chance."
"You think that she'd try and hurt Marlena and the baby?" John thought about Q's claims breifly, weighing them up against what he knew of the woman. "Yes," he nodded his head, answering his own question with a heavy heart, "you're probably right."
Marlena's brow furrowed and John felt her tense against him.
"Don't you both think you're being a little dramatic?" she petitioned hopefully.
"C'mon Doc," John slipped his arm around her, "remember once before when she wanted you out of the way? You ended up on a plane to Paris with Stefano." He stared at her, a ferocity in his eyes she hadn't seen for a long time. "I'll be *damned* if I let the DiMera's hurt you again."
"So where does that leave us then?" she asked breathlessly. There was no answer for a moment and then Q spoke.
"It seems as though what it boils down to is that if John tells Kristen he's through with her right now, at best she'll probably try and kill herself again. Which in itself wouldn't be such a bad thing," he reflected cruelly.
"*Gene*!" Marlena was almost shocked at his callousness. This wasn't a side of him she'd seen a lot of and she wasn't sure she liked it all that much.
"Well, if it wasn't for your baby I mean," he backtracked a little.
"It's still too harsh," she scolded him.
"I'm sorry," he shrugged non-comittally, "I happen to think this universe would be a better place without Kristen DiMera in it and I'm not about to pretend otherwise." Neither John or Marlena could particularly argue with this statement, and they both remained silent.
"Well, at worst, she might find a way of getting to Marlena and endangering her, or her baby. Or *both* of them. And I think we all know that after everything you've both been through, we can't risk either of those options."
"So what are you saying?" Marlena really didn't like the way this conversation was headed. "That John can't break up with her?"
"That pretty much sums it up, yes," Q nodded, "at least until the baby she carries is born. Then the two of you get to reassess options."
"No," Marlena shook her head frantically, "*no*!" She turned to John, her eyes wide and teary. "I can't.....how will I be able to sleep at night knowing you're with *her*. You can't ask me to do this John."
"Eugene, isn't there *any* other way?" John appealed desperately. Now he had Marlena in his arms, he couldn't bear the thought of letting her go and pretending again. Even if it was simply a charade, he wasn't sure he could carry it through. Not knowing he could be with the woman he loved.
Q shrugged again.
"If either of you can think of another way that doesn't involve any risk, be my guest." This wasn't exactly something that he wanted to contemplate either. In itself it was a risky proposition, trying to keep the truth from Kristen, but he honestly couldn't think of any other way.
Marlena was silent for a long moment as she looked from Eugene to John and back again.
"There are so many ways she could find out the truth," she said eventually in a small voice. "We'd have to limit those avenues. We'd have to lie to all our family and friends. She would have to continue to think that this baby," she caressed her stomach gently and smiled as she felt the tiny flutter again. But then her face sobered again as she contemplated what she was saying. "Everyone would have to think this baby was Eugene's. There's just too much chance of her overhearing the truth otherwise."
John sighed and looked away. God, he didn't want to do it like this. He wanted to be able to tell the world that this was his baby, a baby he was having with the woman he loved. He wanted to be able to tell his children that they would soon be a family and he wanted to tell his family that he was going to marry this remarkable woman next to him, his soulmate.
But they were right. He couldn't watch Kristen every moment of the day and he couldn't put Marlena in a protective bubble either. Kristen had the DiMera wiles and where there was a will, a way could very well follow.
"I don't want to let you go," he whispered into Marlena's soft hair. "I don't want to have to lie any more."
"You know, as long as you're careful, you should still be able to see each other in private," Q suggested. "I should at least be able to ensure that you get some time together."
Marlena's expression brightened at that thought and then she felt John's lips drift across her cheek and she shivered.
"Do you really think we'll be able to pull this off?" John asked Q.
"I don't know, I think the answer to that lies at your feet," Gene suggested. "It's you that will have to convince Kristen that you still care about her and want a future with her."
"Oh that's not particularly hard," John assured him, "she believes what she wants to believe unless she's forced to accept otherwise."
"So..."Marlena looked at Gene, "we have to pretend that we're still together and that this baby is yours."
"Mmm-hmmm," Q nodded his head. He wasn't entirely sure how he was going to deal with this. Being with her in public, touching her, even kissing her....
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Marlena asked him quietly. "You *can* say no if you don't feel comfortable."
"Hey," he started before she had even finished her sentence. "I told you earlier that I'd do anything for you. I meant it. I want to see you two together and happy with your babies. I'll do whatever it takes to make that happen okay?"
"All right," she nodded reluctantly. "I guess none of us like this, but we don't have much choice do we?"
"Not a whole lot," John sounded resigned. "But it's only until the baby is born."
"What happens when the baby is born John?" Marlena asked suddenly. "Even if she knows the truth, Kristen's not going to give that baby up without a fight. It's her bargaining chip, her only way of staying in your life."
"But it's our baby Doc," John countered. "They can prove that genetically."
"She's still the birth mother John. She has a viable legal claim to the child." Marlena was suddenly scared as she weighed the possibilities. "My God, she could claim custody and then take the child away. What if Stefano is still alive?"
"Stefano is not alive Doc," John reassured her. "He was killed in that cave-in in the tunnels of Paris remember?"
"Until I see and touch his body, I'll *never* believe that bastard is dead," Marlena couldn't hide the vitriol in her tone when she talked about Stefano. She still had nightmares about her ordeal in Paris as well as Maison Blanche and if she never saw Stefano DiMera again for an eternity it would still be too soon.
"You're right," John agreed with her. They had thought Stefano dead before, more than once and he had proved them horribly wrong. It was safer to assume that he was somehow immune to the ravages of mortality.
Suddenly, a fragmented thought flashed into his mind. He was holding a piece of.....it was a piece of a jigsaw puzzle.....and inscribed on it was the letter C.......
"John?" Marlena rubbed his chilled hand, "honey?"
"Hmmm?" he came back to the room with a start.
"Are you okay?" he could see the concern in her eyes and he didn't even want to begin to think about what that vision meant.
"I'm fine honey," he assured her guilelessly, "but you're right. We have to work out what to do about Kristen once she has the baby and we have to do it soon."
He shared Marlena's concern, he hadn't really thought that far ahead until now, he'd been so consumed with making sure the baby actually made it to the birth that he hadn't really thought past that. But Marlena was right, assuming Kristen didn't try to hurt the baby, she would do everything in her power to try and take it from them. And he had to make sure that didn't happen. His stupidity had gotten them all into this mess. Now he had to find a way to get them out.
Involuntarily, John yawned and at that moment, the door to the room opened.
"Hi," Juliet's bright smile greeted them, "wow, now *this* is great to see!" She regarded Marlena and John with a sparkle in her eyes, "No wonder my number one patient is healing in double quick time."
"It helps when you've got the right medicine," John quipped as he looked at Marlena.
"If only I could bottle it," Juliet lamented playfully as she moved to the other side of the bed. "I just want to check on John's wound if you wouldn't mind."
"All right," Marlena nodded, "he's tired anyway and I think it's time I left him to rest."
"But Doc," John didn't like the sound of that at all. In fact he didn't like the idea of letting her out of his sight for even a few minutes particularly appealing. Not when he didn't know when he'd be able to see her again.
"It's all right honey, I'll come back again tomorrow," she promised him, sealing it with a gentle kiss.
"Okay," his agreement was grudging but he knew there was no point arguing. "Doc?" He caught her hand as she slid off the bed.
"Mmmm?" she turned back to him with a ravishing smile.
"I love you," he grinned at her lopsidedly and Marlena's heart leapt.
"Oh gosh honey, I love you too," her reply was heartfelt and she leaned over and brushed her lips against his. John moaned involuntarily and he lifted his good arm, tangling his fingers in her golden hair as he kissed her back.
"All right, all right, break it up," Juliet's good natured voice intruded on the moment and they separated, slightly embarrassed. "Babe, you have to be gentle with the boy, he's been through quite an ordeal."
"I know," Marlena grinned in reply to the gentle ribbing. "It's just to hard to control myself around him, he's such a sexy hunk."
"You just watch yourself Evans," John narrowed his eyes wryly at her, "I'll remember that."
"Please do," Marlena raised her eyebrows teasingly.
"See you later Marlena," Juliet couldn't help the laughter in her voice, these two were too cute together. She couldn't think what on earth had possessed John to take up with that DiMera woman.
"Bye," Marlena squeezed John's hand. "I'll see *you* tomorrow."
"I'm holding you to that," behind the smile he was completely serious.
Juliet watched Marlena leave with Eugene Bradford and turned to John.
"Okay sexy hunk, let's see how this is healing shall we?" With a grin, she pulled back the covers and helped John disengage his shoulder from the cotton gown. Carefully, she peeled back the layers of gauze from the wound. As she did so, her eyebrows raised in surprise. "Maybe I really should try and bottle some of whatever it is that Marlena does to you," she shook her head as she looked at the rapidly healing wound, "because this is absolutely remarkable."
******
"Do you want to go straight home?" Q asked as he opened the car door for Marlena.
"No," Marlena shook her head wearily. Now that she was out of the hospital, her exhaustion was rapidly catching up with her. Obviously her short nap with John was only beginning of her recuperation. "I really want to go and see the kids, Gene."
"To the pub?" Gene looked as if he didn't think that was a very good idea.
"Yes the pub," Marlena nodded as she ducked her head into the car and settled into the passengers seat. Gene closed the door after her and rounded the car.
Sinking into his own seat, he turned to her.
"Do you think that's a very good idea?" he asked her prudently. "I mean, everyone is expecting to hear that you and John are back together. You'll have to lie outright to them. Do you really think you can face their questions right now?"
Marlena sighed and ran her fingers through her hair.
"I guess I don't have any choice now do I?" she said with resignation. "I have to maintain this charade to protect my child."
"But to start right now?" he wasn't at all sure.
"Gene, I want to see Belle and Brady. They're my children." she felt very strongly about that. Even if she wasn't in much of a state to look after them herself right now, she would not let them feel as if they had been abandoned by her. "I know it will be hard. I love John *so* much and I want to share that with the world."
"I know you do," Q replied sensitively.
"Gene -" she cut herself off, searching for the words that would explain to him how she felt. Although she wasn't sure she could, being that she felt terribly confused herself. But she couldn't just say nothing. That wouldn't be right. "I'm sorry that I hurt you. I never should have gotten involved with you to begin with. That wasn't fair of me."
"Oh Marlena," he tried to wave it away, talking about it wasn't going to change what had happened, they both knew what they had done wrong and as far as he was concerned, knowing was enough. They didn't need to keep rehashing it too.
"Gene, please let me finish," she said softly. She waited for his nod and then continued. "I told you it was over between John and I because I really thought it was. But I wasn't honest about my feelings, with you *or* with myself. You know, I should have learnt by now that suppressing those feelings only gets me into trouble."
"I understand though Marlena," he told her with a very Eugene-like expression, "I really do."
"I know you do honey," she sighed, "I don't know, I guess I'm not making much sense. I think maybe I just feel as though I took advantage of how you felt about me. And I feel dreadful about that."
"Maybe if I had simply been a diversion for you, that would be true," Gene disagreed, "but I don't think that's what happened between us can be reduced to a simple diversion. At least I hope not. I think what happened was perfectly understandable, even if, in the long run it proved to be the wrong thing."
"Oh Gene, of course it was more than that," she looked taken aback, "I hope you know that I meant every word I said when we were together. I *do* love you. It's just...." she shrugged.
"It's not the same sort of way that you love John," Gene finished for her. "I know that. I *always* knew that." He grinned at her, relieving some of the tension, "I'm not *that* much of a fool."
"Oh gosh I missed having you around," she smiled at him, her eyes shining, "you've always been such a wonderful friend."
"And I always will be your friend," he assured her without equivocation. "If you ever need me, I'll be here for you. And that's just the way it should be." Marlena nodded, wiping away the teardrops that lingered under her eyes. "Right then, that's enough talking. I think we've said all that we need to say on that subject. I think now we need to start concentrating on you and John and getting through the next month or so okay?"
"Okay." Marlena nodded with an acquiescent smile. Gene was right, they didn't need to dwell on the past. She'd done enough of that.
By the time they got to the pub, it was well past Belle and Brady's bed time. However, Belle had been unable to sleep and her Grandma had been cuddling her for the last half an hour, promising that she would be able to go home and see her Mom and Dad real soon. Lucie was carrying the sleepy little girl toward the stairs just as Marlena entered the room. However, the moment Belle heard her mother's voice, her eyes widened and she urged the nanny to turn around.
"Momma," she squealed delightedly as Lucie lowered her to the floor.
"Well, *hi* sweetie-girl!" Marlena's laughter was as spontaneous as Belle's dash across the kitchen.
"Missed you Momma," Belle nestled her face into the crook of Marlena's neck as she wrapped her arms tightly around her mother's neck.
"Oh I missed you too baby," Marlena held her daughter tightly as she looked at Lucie in surprise.
"She had a bad dream," Lucie explained, glad that Marlena was here to deal with Belle's not so trivial fears.
"You had a bad dream Belle?" Marlena asked gently. The little girl nodded, burying her face further into Marlena's hair. "Do you want to tell Momma about it?" she coaxed as she sank onto a chair. However, Belle simply held onto her mother as she shook her head frantically. "Okay, okay." Marlena stroked Belle's back with her free hand. "Momma's here. You don't have to think about it any more."
Gently, she rocked back and forth, her motions soothing the child in her arms. It wasn't long before her tiny arms loosened from around her mother's neck and she relaxed into a peaceful slumber. Marlena continued to hold her until Caroline came in.
"Oh Marlena, I'm so glad you're here," her releif sounded in her voice. "Belle was just beside herself when she woke."
"Do you know what her dream was about Caroline?" Marlena asked in a soft voice.
"Well," Caroline pulled out a chair from the kitchen table and sat next to Marlena, "she said that a 'bad man' took you away from us. That he hurt John and took you away."
"Oh no," Marlena held Belle a little closer. She had hoped that Belle would be too young to be affected by her absences, first during the time she and John were held captive by Stefano at Maison Blanche and then when Stefano had held her in Paris. But apparently, even as young as Belle had been, she had needed her mother. And Marlena hadn't been there for her. "Oh my poor baby," she breathed, lowering her face to Belle's hair and breathing in the soft, powdery scent of her young child.
"We tried to tell her that it would never happen again, that the bad man wouldn't be coming back but she was just convinced that you were already gone and that she would never see you again," Lucie added as she neared the table. "I'll take her upstairs now if you like."
"*No*," Marlena wrapped her arms a little more tightly around Belle, but her face softened as she looked up at the surprised young woman. "I'll take her up myself in a few minutes."
"All right," Lucie nodded, "I'll go and check on Brady then. I'll see you later."
"Mmmm-hmmm," Marlena turned her attention back to her sleeping baby, "it's okay Belle baby. Momma's not going anywhere. Daddy and I are going to be right here for you."
"How is John?" Caroline asked with a speculative gleam in her eye.
"He's doing well Caroline," Marlena tried to ignore the thump of her heart in her chest as she awaited the inevitable question.
"And things between the two of you?" Caroline looked hopeful, "Might we hope for some sort of announcement some time soon?"
"Ah," Marlena reddened as she searched for the right words, "I'm not quite sure what you mean."
"Well I thought maybe, after everything that has happened...." Caroline patted Marlena on the knee. "We all saw how distressed you were dear."
"Well of course I was," neither Marlena nor Caroline noticed that Roman had entered the room as they were speaking, "he's my friend and he's Belle and Brady's father. Of course I was worried about him. But Caroline, I'm really sorry if you were expecting something more. I'm sorry if I gave you that impression." She looked to Eugene for support and he put his hands on her shoulders protectively.
"I'm with Eugene now Caroline," she reaffirmed, "and I'm having his baby."
"You are *what*?! Roman's explosive demand came from the doorway and Marlena looked up in shock to find him looking at her furiously. "Do you mind explaining to me just what the hell the two of you are playing at now?"
Marlena looked at Roman in shock. She hadn't heard him come in and she wasn't sure how to explain this to him. He didn't know the truth about Kristen's baby and she wasn't sure he could understand if she tried to explain it to him. She probably wouldn't have believed it herself if she hadn't known exactly what Eugene was capable of.
"Well?" he was standing behind Caroline and looking clearly irritated.
"Roman dear-" Caroline began.
"Mom, could I just talk to Marlena and Eugene alone for a few moments please?" Roman asked quite reasonably. Caroline looked at Marlena and then back at her son. There were undercurrents here she didn't understand, and maybe it was best to not get involved right now.
"Of course," Caroline nodded as she pushed herself out of her chair. "I'll see you later Marlena dear."
"Thanks for looking after the children Caroline," Marlena said softly, hoping to stall Roman a little.
"No problem Marlena, you know how I love them. Anytime." Caroline was feeling acutely uncomfortable and she wasted no time leaving the room, much to Marlena's consternation.
Roman said nothing for a moment, just stood with his arms crossed in front of him. Marlena glared at him in annoyance. Since when was this any of his business anyway?
"Gene, perhaps *you'd* like to explain why the two of you are lying to my mother?" Roman couldn't understand for the life of him why they would be doing this. She had told him it was John's baby, surely she couldn't have been lying about that. So why would she be changing her tune now? Almost more frustrating than trying to work out why she was lying, was trying to work out why the hell it upset him so much. Yes, he had been in a similar situation before, but this was *John* they were talking about. Why the hell should he care a whit about John?
"Roman," Belle stirred in Marlena's arms as she spoke and the mother tried to relax so that the little girl would not be woken by her tenseness. "Roman, I can't discuss this right now, I have to put Belle back to bed."
"All right," Roman nodded tersely, "I can wait."
Marlena looked at him, her fatigue and frustration evident and then she shook her head and pushed herself out of the kitchen chair, carrying Belle with her. Saying nothing more, she swept past Roman and out of the room.
In Belle's bedroom, she tucked the little girl into bed and brushed the fair hair from her forehead. Belle, not yet four, still had her adorable baby face with soft round features that reminded Marlena so much of Samantha and of course, herself. She felt a rush in her heart as she crouched down by her sweet little angel. She couldn't wait to tell Belle and Brady that their Daddy was coming home. They were going to be a *family*, at long last. During any shadowy moments during the next month or so, at least she could remember that and hold onto the anticipation of the moment she would tell the children.
"Night night Belle baby," she whispered before pressing her lips to Belle's reddened cheek. Brady was in a bed in the same room and she stopped to drop a kiss on his little head before leaving the room.
She could hear Roman's voice even before she made it back to the kitchen.
"What the hell do you mean inescapable? Don't talk in riddles to me Eugene. Either that baby is yours or it's John's and you and Marlena are lying about it."
"Would you keep your voice down please Roman," Marlena requested in a low tone as she re-entered the room.
"Well Doc, if you would just care to explain to me what the hell is going on," Roman demanded curtly. He hated himself for being this brusque with Marlena. It reminded him to uncomfortably of how he had been when he had returned to her all those years ago, a bitter and unforgiving man. He liked to think that he wasn't that man any more, that he had learnt from his mistakes. But every so often he looked at her and he felt that familiar ache in the hollow of his soul, that ache that reminded him he had lost her and he felt the remembered pain and betrayal. He didn't like it, but he would never be able to forget how he had lost her and it was pointless to even try.
"Roman, I don't understand why you're so concerned about this," Marlena was confused at what seemed to be the depth of feeling that Roman had developed over this incident.
"I...." Roman tried to find something to say, but finally he let his shoulders drop and he shook his head. "I don't know Marlena, I suppose this has just resurrected too many old memories. I don't think you should be lying to people and I certainly don't think you should be keeping the truth from John. Whatever has happened." He felt his face redden as he spoke, almost amazed that he was defending John. After everything that had happened..... He turned to Gene. "You're supposed to be her friend. You're supposed to be *helping* her."
"Roman," Marlena snapped. Part of her understood Roman's motivations, but the other part of her, the one that was getting the upper hand at the moment was tired and hormonal and simply wanted to go home. "Just shut up and listen to me okay?"
With a barely suppressed groan, she sank into the kitchen chair again and laid her hand across her stomach. "We're not keeping the truth from John. He knows that this baby is his." She glared at Roman fiercely, defying him to try and interrupt her. But he remained silent. "But there is a reason that we can't tell everyone else the truth right now. I can't explain it to you exactly, so you'll just have to trust us."
"What kind of a reason?" This wasn't the kind of reply Roman had expected. He wasn't sure what he had expected actually. It simply wasn't this. His manner softened slightly but his words still held the same import. "You're *lying* to your family, Doc. Are you going to lie to the kids too? What do you think that will do to them when they find out you lied? After everything that they've gone through, don't you think they at least deserve the truth?"
"Roman," Gene's voice was low and held almost a warning tone, "give her a break, she's had a hard day."
"I'm asking *Marlena* a question," Roman stated, not even looking at Eugene. Marlena was chewing on her lower lip as she looked up at Roman.
"I don't have the answers you want Roman. I wish I could tell the children, I wish I could tell the whole world. But we can't risk it. Kristen is too unbalanced. If she finds out I'm having John's baby...."
"What the hell has Kristen go to do with *anything*?" Roman dropped into the chair next to Marlena and stretched out his aching leg. He looked at her with sad eyes. "Doc, I'm trying to understand, really I am."
"I know you are," she said softly, "I wish I could explain it to you Roman. But for now I am just asking you to trust me. This is the only option John and I have right now. And I'm asking you to believe that and keep our secret."
Roman searched Marlena's cinnamon coloured eyes and found no deceit there. He knew those eyes better than his own, they haunted his sleep, and his waking could only acquiesce to their honesty. She truly did believe this was the only way. He didn't understand it, but he guessed, if it was that important to her, he could live with it.
"Okay Doc," he breathed heavily, "you win. It's obviously what you believe is right. I guess I can't argue with that."
"Thank you," she smiled at him, her eyes crinkling up at the corners and making his heart jump. "I know this doesn't make any sense Roman, but I promise you honey, it will eventually." She laid her hand over one of his and squeezed it. Roman nodded with a regretful smile.
"I hope so Doc. I really hope so."
"Roman I...." Her voice faded as her head began to swim. Closing her eyes, she pressed her fingers to her forehead in an effort to keep her increasingly heavy head upright.
"Doc?" Roman's alarm sounded through the fuzzy darkness that was enclosing her consciousness and she could barely feel his arms around her as he fought to keep her upright.
"Marlena. *Marlena*...." she couldn't even tell who that was over the buzzing in her ears. All she could feel was the dragging dark and the welcoming numbness.......
When she came to, fighting her way out of the fogginess, Marlena found that she was lying with her feet up on the Brady's sofa. She opened her eyes and slowly, the room in front of her steadied. A worried Gene was hunched over on a stool next to her, holding her clammy hand and Caroline was fussing with a cool cloth which she had just taken from Marlena's forehead.
"Doc, Doc are you okay?" Roman asked from where he stood, behind Gene.
"Mmmm," she murmured and closed her eyes again, willing the rushing dizziness away. When she was sure it was gone, she opened her eyes once again.
"Marlena, I think we should get you to the hospital," Q's brow creased into deep furrows of concern. It seemed obvious to him that the past few weeks had taken their toll on Marlena in no small way, and the cracks were finally beginning to show.
"No," she croaked, "no really, I'm fine."
"You fainted Marlena dear," Caroline's motherly tone overrode everyone else's words. "I think Eugene is right. You should go to the hospital, just to be on the safe side. You wouldn't want anything to happen to the baby now would you?"
"The baby is fine," Marlena was feeling stronger now and she pulled her hand from Q's and pushed herself into a sitting position as she swung her legs from the couch. "*I* am fine. There's no need to go to the hospital. I just need some rest and I'm much more likely to get that at home than I am at the hospital."
"But Marlena -" Q wasn't ready to be dissuaded.
"No buts Gene," she shook her head tiredly and brushed her messy hair from her eyes. All she wanted right now was her own bed. "I just want to go home."
Q stared at her in frustration. *Damn* it she was so stubborn. He knew from long experience that however much he argued, he was going to lose in the end. So maybe if he surrendered gracefully now, he could get her to compromise. For his peace of mind if nothing else.
"All right," he nodded slowly. She sighed with relief but she was taken aback as he held up his hand. "I'll take you home, but *only* on condition that we have Mike Horton meet us there. He can check you over quickly and then you can go to bed and have a good night's sleep. Deal?"
Marlena glowered at him irritably. She really didn't want to have to deal with Mike right now. But something told her Gene wasn't going to give up on this one. And by the looks on Roman and Caroline's faces, they were going to back him up one hundred percent. She sighed again and rubbed her forehead with the tips of her fingers.
"All right then," she nodded her assent finally. "A quick checkup. Nothing more."
"Nothing more," Gene agreed as he helped her up from the couch.
Leaving Roman to call Mike, Q drove Marlena back to the penthouse. However Mike wasn't far behind them, arriving only about ten minutes after Marlena had kicked off her shoes.
"Mike really, it was nothing. I got a little dizzy. It happens." Marlena shrugged, trying to minimize her fainting turn as Mike opened his bag.
"It was a little more than a dizzy spell from what I hear Marlena," Mike pulled out his stethoscope and looked at her seriously. "John told me that you know about Kristen's baby. Now, more than ever, you and I both know what kind of stress you have been under. That's got to take it's toll on anyone." He raised his eyebrows as Marlena thought to argue. "C'mon Marlena, your pregnancy with Belle was difficult. I just want to make sure that *you* are physically all right and that your baby has every chance in the world to be born healthy and full term. Okay?"
Marlena stared defiantly at him but her train of though was interrupted by Gene's return to the room with a warm cup of cocoa. As she took it from him, she sat back against the cushions and sighed.
"All right then," she nodded, her voice heavy with lassitude, "do your checkup."
"I promise I won't take long," Mike lifted his fingers to her wrist and took her pulse. Lifting her cocoa to her lips. Marlena looked the other way. She didn't even want to think about the possibility that something might go wrong with her pregnancy. Mike was right, she hadn't carried *any* of her pregnancies to term and it had been stress that had lead to the premature labour with Belle. She had to do everything she could to make sure that didn't happen again. She just didn't know if it was possible to do that given the situation she found herself in.
Handing her drink to Gene, she closed her eyes as Mike inflated the cuff on her arm, measuring her blood pressure wordlessly. None of them spoke as Mike continued his examination and then packed up his bag. Marlena simply pulled a cushion to her and picked restlessly at the fringe with wandering fingers.
"Marlena," Mike turned to her, his voice gentle. "The baby is just fine but I'm a little concerned about your blood pressure. It's a little high for my liking."
"Is that bad?" Gene jumped on his words immediately.
"It shouldn't affect the baby, as *long* as Marlena is careful and gets plenty of rest," Mike qualified his statement. "I know it's hard but I want you to try and avoid any kind of tense emotional situations and I want you to get a few days rest okay?" He put his hand out to stop her argument. "Think about your baby Marlena. You have an obligation to this child to give it the best start possible. And right now that means a few days rest with *no* work. You got me?"
"I got ya doc," Marlena said with a rueful smile. "You're right, I know."
"Marlena, I *know* this situation with John and Kristen has to be incredibly stressful, but you have *got* to try and not let it get to you," Mike took her hand gently.
"I know," she pressed her lips together, blinking as she nodded her head. "It's just not easy having to lie to everybody about what's happened with John, and my feelings for him. I couldn't even tell *Roman* the truth," she wiped away a lone tear with the back of her fingers, "Roman, after everything he's been through. He deserves to know the truth Mike."
"I know," Mike squeezed her hand, "but you know, it won't be that long until Kristen has the baby and then...."
"And then *what*?" Marlena shrugged, with frustration "and then we enter some protracted legal battle with her to try and gain custody of *our* baby?" The anguish of the possibilities that the future held showed briefly on her face as she closed her eyes. "I don't even know how I'm going to feel when I see Kristen. I have no idea how to deal with this Mike. I don't even know where to start."
"Well it sounds like you need a little time and space to work out some of these things yourself before you're thrown into them," Mike suggested with sympathy. He couldn't even begin to fathom how she must be feeling right now. He simply knew she had few friends that could understand how she was feeling and he had to do everything he could to help her through this. "You know Marlena, if you need somebody to talk to, I'm always here. And failing that, Mom is great at keeping secrets. I'm sure she'd love to help in any way she could."
"Thanks Mike," Marlena squeezed his hand in return. "You're a good friend. And I'll let you know if I need anything," she nodded, her face pallid, "but I think I'm just fine right now. You're right, I need some rest. I think things will start to sort themselves out once I've had a little sleep."
"Most likely." Mike smiled and then turned to Gene, who was standing silently across the room by the windows. "Look after her okay, Eugene?"
"Don't worry," Marlena gave a tired chuckle, "he will."
"All right then," Mike gave her a quick hug, "call me if you need anything. Anytime at all okay?"
"Okay," she nodded as she let him help her stand.
"And now I want you to go straight up to bed," he insisted as Q came over to take her arm.
"I'm not an invalid!" she protested, but without her usual vigour.
"Humour me okay?" Q slipped his arm around her, completely ignoring her attempt to rebuff him. Sighing with exasperation, she gave up and turned back to Mike.
"Thanks for coming over."
"No problem." Mike grinned as he made his way to the door. It looked as though Marlena was in more than capable hands. "I'll see you later."
Q waited till he was gone and then turned to his charge.
"You. Upstairs. Now." It was said with good humour, but Marlena knew from experience that when Gene was in this mood, he didn't argue, he simply *did*. And she was numbingly tired. All she wanted right now, was to crawl into her warm bed and *sleep*.
"Okay," she nodded, pressing the back of her hand to her mouth in a futile effort to cover a yawn. "You win. Bed sounds *great*."
After several days of rest, which had included lots of time spent with Belle and Brady, Marlena felt much stronger. She knew implicitly that she was also more ready to deal emotionally with the myriad of problems that she and John were going to encounter over the next few months. She only hoped that John understood why she wasn't around and he wasn't too worried about her. Mike had assured her over the phone that John was just fine about it, but she wasn't entirely convinced.
As she neared John's new room, Marlena noticed with a sinking feeling that John's door was open. Duncan, the police guard, raised his eyebrows and she stopped. Leaving his post, he came to her.
"Ms. DiMera is in there," he was an old friend of John's from his days on the force and for the moment, he didn't exactly understand what the hell kind of game John was playing. He somewhat understood John's concern for the baby the DiMera woman was carrying, but he didn't understand the need to pretend he still felt something for her. Especially since he was so obviously in love with Marlena Evans. And why wouldn't he be?
Duncan appreciated a good looking woman as much as any man, and he had known Marlena since she was married to Roman way back in the early eighties. If anything she was more gorgeous and sexy now than she had been then. From time to time in the past few years, the boys had talked among themselves in the station locker room, wondering exactly how it was that Roman had walked out on his beautiful wife, and even more how John had not clued into the fact that she was obviously still hot for him. Sometimes they concluded amongst themselves that John Black, although he was a nice guy, had less brains than the proverbial scarecrow.
"How long has she been in there?" Marlena didn't look at Duncan's face. Instead she edged around until she could see into John's room. Kristen was sitting on his bed, holding his hand in hers. John was smiling and Marlena was shocked to feel a stab of jealousy as she watched them.
"Half an hour," Duncan's baritone was deep and melodious. He hailed from Jamaica and he had a voice that Marlena had always thought she could drift to sleep on. "Dr. Tuckey has already tried to get rid of her once."
"Yes well, she's not easy to dislodge. I know that only too well," Marlena sighed and crossed her arms above her swollen stomach. Kristen threw her head back and Marlena could hear her shriek of laughter even from where she stood. The sound cut through her like the rough edge of a saw blade. She couldn't tear her eyes away as she saw John laugh with Kristen and she watched him as he laid his hands gently on the intruder's stomach.
That should be me. It was irrational she knew. John loved her and this was a charade for Kristen's sake, but *damn* him he was playing it so well. Watching them, Marlena felt all the old echoes of every time she had seen them together. All the times in the DiMera mansion when she had walked into the room when they had been kissing, the times she had walked past their open bedroom, only to see them sleeping in each other's arms.
Turning away, she pressed her fingers to her lips. She suddenly wasn't at all sure she could cope with this. It reeked of betrayal and the pain was too recent, too fresh to relive.
"Marlena," Duncan put his hand on her shoulder.
"It's okay." She held up her hand, "I'm okay."
"This isn't right," Duncan muttered in his thick Caribbean cadence. "He shouldn't be doin' this t'you."
"He has to," Marlena whispered but she didn't sound convincing. "It's the only way."
"Is it worth it?" Duncan asked softly. "When it's such pain for you? Are you sure it won't come b'tween the two of you?"
"It's worth it," Marlena turned back to him and found chocolate brown eyes searching her intently to see if she believed her own answer, "it has to be. We've been too far to lose now Duncan."
Duncan said nothing, but he looked thoughtful as he nodded slowly.
"Bye honey," Kristen was at the door, her hands resting on the crest of her bulging stomach. "Rest up and don't forget I love you," Marlena slipped around the corner so that Kristen couldn't see her but she could still hear John's reply.
"Don't forget, the moment anything happens with the baby, I want to know."
"I won't forget silly." Silence. "John, aren't you going to tell me you love me too?" A pause.
"I love you, baby."
Marlena backed away from the corner, unable to stomach listening to any more of it. She knew John didn't really mean it. She suspected his use of the term baby meant he was really talking to the child Kristen was carrying but it was still so hard to hear him talk like that around Kristen. Too many bad memories.....
"She's gone Dr. Evans." Duncan's deep voice interrupted her ruminations and Marlena smiled at him.
"Thanks Duncan. You're a good friend to both of us. I really appreciate it."
"Anything I can do." He smiled at her, his teeth brilliant. "You just let me know y'hear?"
"All right," she assented with a slight hint of shyness.
"Go'on now," he ushered her towards John's room, "b'fore the witch comes back."
Marlena flashed him one last grateful smile before making her way into John's room. Duncan closed the door behind her and positioned himself in front of it. No-one was going to make it through him without killing him first.
"*Marlena*!" John's face lit up when he saw her. He hadn't expected her this afternoon. Mike had told him that she was resting and he had steeled himself not to see her for close to a week. It had been extremely hard to deal with Kristen not knowing when he would see that face he loved so much again. "How are you baby? Mike told me you fainted the other night. I was worried."
"I'm okay honey," she smiled but he knew her too well.
"What's wrong?" his brow wrinkled as he noticed how awkward she was. "Doc, what's wrong, has something happened?"
"Nothing's wrong," she smiled and came to the side of the bed. "Nothing's happened, everything is fine."
John eyed her deliberately. He knew when she was lying. There was something about her eyes, the way she wouldn't quite look at him.
"Sweetheart, I wish you'd tell me." He waited but her eyes skirted his, drifting around the room as she picked at the bed cover. His manner stiffened as he considered how best to deal with her. "Marlena I don't want us to start over only to make the same mistakes we made last time," he studied her, his blue eyes finally catching hers, ruthlessly intense. "I want us to be able to talk to each other. To be really honest. Otherwise," he shrugged, "what's the point? We go on misunderstanding and hurting each other."
His gaze softened as he saw her flinch. "I don't want to hurt you any more Marlena, I really don't. It's the very last thing I want. But I need your help baby. I need you to tell me what's upsetting you."
Marlena stared back at him, her hazel eyes drowning in remembered sadness. She didn't *want* to dredge up the past. It hurt too much.
"John, it's not important," she whispered.
"Don't *do* that to me Marlena," he was frustrated and his face showed it. "Don't shut me out. It's not fair. On me, or on you."
"Nothing's *fair* John," crossing one arm in front of her, she buried her face in one hand, trying desperately not to give in, not to break down. Not to let him know how desperately she hurt.
"Marlena," his voice was tender and for a moment it smoothed the ache in her heart, "honey, please talk to me." His velvety tone was beguiling as it crept closer towards her and when she felt his warm hand on her arm, she allowed him to pull it down. His fingers flowed downwards until they linked around her wrist and he tugged her towards him.
Perching on the edge of the bed, Marlena looked at the linoleum floor and unconsciously counted to ten. John said nothing, just waited for her. He would wait as long as it took, as long as was necessary. He loved her and he had all the time in the world for her.
Finally, she looked up at him.
"Do you know how hard it is to lie to everyone?" she asked in a disconsolate whisper. "No-one understands why we're not together. I have to lie to Roman, to my *children*. John, Belle asks when you're coming home and I don't know what to say." Her chin trembled as she tried to hide the hurt she felt.
"Oh Doc," John enclosed her hand in his. He had had to lie to those that had visited him too. Shawn and Caroline and his precious Samantha. It was hard, but knew it must be so much harder for Marlena. After all, this was none of her doing. She was simply caught innocently in the middle of it. As always. "I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I keep trying to think of some other way..." he shook his head defeatedly. "I just can't."
Marlena nodded slightly but added nothing.
John watched her, waiting, adding to the silence. He could see her internal struggle. She was probably trying to think of something to say, to change the subject; but whatever it was that had bothered her so much wasn't about to sink from her consciousness. She couldn't ignore it, as much as she desperately wanted to and he knew he only needed to wait.
Pulling her hand from his, Marlena looked away again.
"I saw you with Kristen when I arrived," her voice was curiously flat and John immediately knew this was what she had been really upset about. It had always been her way. Anything that was too painful, she simply attempted to divorce herself from all emotion.
He wondered exactly how much she had seen and heard.
"Honey, you know I was simply trying not to make her suspicious."
"Yes I know that," her tone was terse.
"You don't sound like you know it," he was a little confused. Marlena looked at him for a moment, the misery in her eyes making his heart ache. Then she looked away, pulling her hand from his.
"What do you *want* from me John? Do you want me to play happy about this? Because I can't. I've had to do that once too often already."
"Marlena," he felt lost, outside her pain, closed off from what she was feeling. "I'm not asking you to like it. It's just the way it has to be. We agreed that." He watched the back of her head intently, but she didn't move. Away from his line of view, Marlena's chin trembled and she damned herself wordlessly for her lack of strength.
Opening her mouth to speak, the emotion overwhelmed her and she shut her mouth again, only the quick intake of breath betraying her.
"Doc?"
"John, I," she bit on her lower lip, trying to distract herself from the aching she felt in her heart. Eventually she felt as though she was under control again and she spoke evenly. "It hurts seeing her with you. That's all."
"But it's not real, Doc," John fought to understand what she really meant, the truth that was hidden so neatly behind the words. "You know that it's not real, so why are you letting it affect you like this?"
He knew he had hit a nerve when her head swung around, her hazel eyes glazed with misery.
"It feels real to me," she slammed her clenched fist to her chest. "In *here* it feels *real*." The tears glittered painfully as they spilt onto her cheeks and John felt as though his heart was breaking. " I see you with her and it reminds me of *every* time I saw you together. Every time you ignored me in favour of her. Every time you denied what we meant to each other because Kristen was your one great 'love'."
"I *never* felt that Marlena," he shook his head, his shocked eyes gray and pained.
"It was how you made *me* feel," she wanted to flail at him with her fists, to scream at him, to make him feel the pain she felt. But more than that, she just wanted to sob her heart out as he held her. She didn't really want him to feel her pain, she just wanted him to make her pain go away.
"I thought you didn't want me any more and it broke my heart."
"Oh baby," John shook his head, his own tears on his cheeks, "why didn't you tell me?" He saw her balled fists tighten as she faced him, her face pale.
"How could I tell you? You'd made it obvious *who* you loved. My pride was the only thing left John. I'd given you my heart, I wasn't about to throw that away on you too."
John couldn't bear seeing what he'd done to her, what he'd put her through. But it was the proverbial catch twenty-two. He might not deserve her, but to deny her wouldn't ease her pain, it would just serve to cause her more.
"Sweetheart," his eyes were solemn, as he laid his hands over her bleached knuckles, "I know I've hurt you. I only wish I could go back and change that. But we both know that it's not possible. So all I can do is tell you I'm sorry until you've heard it enough to believe me."
"Will sorry fix it John?" she struggled with her tears, still unable to let him completely in, to let him see her weakness. Her weakness that was him.
"Only if you let it Marlena," he told her softly. "Only if you trust me enough to let me try."
Gently, he slid his fingers beneath each fist, and he lifted them to his mouth. Still watching her with darkened eyes, he dropped a warm, soft kiss onto each cool hand.
"I know you're frightened, but you only have to remember that you love me and I love you." He could see her golden eyes grow glassy with tears and he knew he was close. "I *do* love you Marlena. You're the only one I ever want to wake up beside. You're the only one I want to share my life and my dreams with. And if you can't quite believe me right now, I accept that. I just want you to promise me you'll let me prove it to you." Lifting her fists again, he repeated the kisses, still watching her eyes. "Will you?"
Marlena said nothing but her eyes drifted downwards. Worried, John lowered her hands back to the bed and used his fingers to lift her chin.
"Marlena?"
"They're pretty words John," her voice was drenched with emotion, "but that's it. They're just words."
"No Doc," he shook his head, why couldn't she understand. "They're not just words. They're truth."
"I'm not sure what's truth and what's lies any more," she shook her head, "I just know that I'm not sure that I can do what you and Gene are asking me to do. There are too many memories John and I can't forget them any more than I can forget how to breathe. They're part of who I am and I just don't know where that leaves us right now."
John couldn't speak for a moment as he let her words sink in. However much she wanted to, she couldn't let go of this, she couldn't forgive him and he wasn't sure why he had expected her to.
"God, I really tore you apart didn't I?" his voice was deadened as he finally understood what she was trying to tell him. He hadn't just betrayed her, or their love. What she felt went much deeper, as though somehow, through his actions and his lies, he had almost severed that once indestructible soul-deep bond they had.
With dark amber eyes, she nodded, the pain searing through her chest and throat as though trying to escape from the confines of her fragile body.
"How are we going to get through this baby?" he asked her in a suddenly fearful voice.
"I don't know," a sob escaped with her words and she knew she was lost. Without ceremony, John took her hands again and pulled her to him, ignoring the pain in his shoulder as he did so.
Marlena no longer had the will-power to resist him and, with engulfing sobs, she buried her face against his good shoulder and let herself drown in the pain. John rolled over slightly and wrapped his arms around her, hiding his face in her fragrantly warm hair. He held her tightly as she cried, wracking sobs giving way to quiet weeping which, after a time, would once again dissolve into heart-rending sobbing as Marlena finally unleashed the emotions that had been tormenting her for so long.
She felt his arms envelop her in his strong embrace and Marlena surrendered to him. Here, in the arms of the man that had hurt her so, was oddly the one place she could really voice her grief. In being the one that had betrayed her trust so, John had come full circle and had become the one that she could trust, the one person with whom she could really be herself.
But still, with each tear she shed, John felt both guilt and agony colliding within him. It was his fault. He should have known, he should have seen what he was doing to her. His beautiful, strong, resilient Marlena.
His own tears dampened her golden locks as he held her, hoping somehow that his arms would afford her the comfort she so desperately needed. He just didn't know what else he could do. She had been carrying this around for so long he didn't even know if there was a way to provide the healing that she needed. But he would try, he would do anything for her. He would give his soul for her if it would help. He had almost once and he knew he would do it again if it were asked of him.
It seemed like an endless amount of time passed before Marlena's weeping slowed and gave way to soft, wet hiccups. John unwrapped his arms from around her and tender hands pushed her damp hair back from her face. Solemnly, he looked at her, studying her face for some revelation of where the torrent of emotions had taken her. She returned his gaze with equally curious eyes, glowing golden as he wiped the tears away with shaking thumbs.
And then, slow as a crocus in spring snow, a timorous smile bloomed on her face and John felt relief sweep through him. He wasn't sure later how long they had lay there like that, just looking at each other, simply content to relax in each others arms. Every so often John would reach out and touch her cheek, or smooth her hair and then he would drop his hand and resume his intimate exploration of her with his eyes.
After a time however, Marlena lowered her eyes to his hand and reached down with her own. Slowly, she laced her fingers through his.
"Marlena," John began hesitantly, "I'm so sorry sweetheart. For....for everything." He couldn't even begin to list his catalogue of transgressions. He could only hope she understood. And from what he saw in her eyes, he suspected she did.
"Just promise me one thing," her voice was hoarse and spent.
"Anything," he whispered, his free hand playing with the wisps of hair around her neck.
"Don't ever turn your back on me again." The emotion had taken it's toll and her voice petered out to a whisper. And yet, when John tried to talk, she silenced him with a simple look. "All I ask is that you simply love me, and you never again give me occasion to doubt that love. Because if you do John Black, I won't be yours to win back again."
Lifting the hand that was linked with his, John slid his fingers from his and leaned down. Clasping her fingers around the back, he pressed his warm lips to her palm. His eyes never left hers through this whole ritual and when he lifted his head again, she felt as though the sea-blue of his eyes might wash over her and never release her from their grasp.
"I vow to you Marlena Evans," his voice was almost guttural as he spoke, strong with conviction and devotion, "that I will never give you cause to doubt how much I love you. I intend to spend every day of the rest of my life proving to you just how much you mean to me."
"If only it were that easy," she sighed as she reached out with her own fingers, touching them to his pliant lips, "I'm afraid it's going to be a lot harder than that John."
"Of course it is Doc," he whispered mildly. "I don't think our road was ever meant to be easy. But that's why we know exactly what we hold in our arms right now. Our love might feel fragile, but look at what it's gotten us through, baby. We have been through so much, we have fought so many battles, that we know that this is something *truly* special." He smiled as he drew her hand up again and linked their fingers. "This is how we are. United by something blessed. We have to cherish that and protect it because people want to tear it from us. The *devil* wanted to take it from us Marlena, but we were too strong for him." The passion in his words made Marlena's heart pound in her chest as she felt herself being swept away by his fervor. "When we're together baby, we can do anything. And we must never forget that again."
"That doesn't mean that we don't have more obstacles John," she wasn't sure that he could see the reality of the situation. This was only the beginning. "There's only so much that 'blessed love' as you put it can achieve. We're still people and we've been hurt. By each other, as well as other people." With a sadness in her eyes she tenderly touched her fingertips his face again. "There's so much that's happened, so much has been broken. It's not going to be easy to get over it, to rebuild the trust between us."
"I know," his voice was strained now. "There's a lot we need to talk about. But we have to take it step by step, solve each problem as we come to it. I have faith in us, in our ability to get through this sweetheart, we just have to do it *together*." Kissing her fingers again, he gave her a soulful smile. "And that means no trying to hide how you're really feeling. No 'it's not important's'. No strong fronts. If we start lying to each other about what we're really feeling, it's over before we've even started."
"I know," she nodded her head, "but you have to promise to be patient with me John. I can't unlearn a lifetime in one day."
"I know baby," he pulled her closer, "I know."
He held her for long minutes, just listening to her soft breaths and letting the scent and the soft silkiness of her fill him up. She and the children were the *only* things important in his life. It was as though he had been born on to this earth simply to find and love her. There was no other reason for him to be here.
At last he moved slightly and took the opportunity to tilt her head again with a slight urge from his fingers. Her hazel eyes and reddened lips evoked a pang of desire in him and he had to fight the urge to kiss her, to run his hands over her body, to see how she reacted to his touch.
But no, there was time enough for that when they were ready.
"Baby," his gentle voice flowed over her, enveloping her in it's loving calm. "If this is too hard for you, we'll find another way. We'll tell her the truth and we'll find a way to make sure nothing happens." She looked at him, wanting to believe him, to be able to say yes to him.
"There is no other way John, we've already been through this," her mouth turned down into an adorable little frown and John's heart melted once again.
"We'll *find* a way Doc." His fingers toyed wit the hair at her temple as he smoothed it off her face. "If I have to lock her in the bedroom at the loft for a month, we'll find a way."
"Oh honey," she smiled at his assuredness, "I'll be okay, really I will. Let's just stick with what we are sure of okay? A month or so isn't worth our baby's life is it?"
John watched her closely to make sure she was really positive about what she was saying. When he was satisfied she was, he nodded slowly.
"As long as you *talk* to me Doc. I don't want to turn around in a month and find out this has torn you apart so far that we can't go back." The passion in his voice made her shiver, "I can't risk losing you again."
"You won't," she smiled sweetly at him, "and I promise to tell you what I'm feeling. I might even make you regret you made me promise."
"I'll never regret anything that happens with you sweetheart," he moved close and nuzzled her cheek, "except maybe the things that *don't* happen with you."
"Well let's make sure that there are *no* regrets," she whispered tenderly as she looked into his eyes, feeling herself being pulled into their azure depths. She didn't even have the will left to resist him any more. She just loved him so much she was quite happy to be lost unto him forever. Truth be known, she always had been.
"No regrets," he repeated her whisper as their lips met in a gentle, sweet kiss.
Kristen DiMera looked around the exam room irritably. The only thing worse than being here at all, was being here alone. John should be here. He had his part in making this baby, he should damn well be there to help her though this.
Taking a deep breath, Kristen reminded herself that John was confined to a hospital bed at the moment and *couldn't* be with her. The knowledge didn't make it a whole lot easier though. Especially when she thought about seeing Marlena come out of John's room the other day. John maintained that there was nothing between them, they were simply the good friends that they had always been, but Kristen didn't like it. She didn't like it one little bit.
They had barely been talking to each other before John's...'accident'. So why were they now? She frowned, her lips forming an ugly pout as she contemplated Marlena's words to her in the corridor outside John's room. What will you do Kristen? What can you *possibly* do that will change John's feelings towards me?.... And *still*, when all is said and done, *you* are not the one that John *really* wants.
Kristen bit the inside of her lower lip and pondered the sequence of events that had led her here. If John was lying, surely she would know it. She would be able to tell. But why would he even be lying to her? If he wanted to get back together with Marlena, why didn't he just *do* it? What was stopping him?
It was a good question and one Kristen could not find an answer to. And so it was enough to mollify her for the moment. But still, an uneasiness lingered in the back of her mind, feeding her instability; fertilizing her paranoia.
******
"That's great Roman," Trudie handed Roman a towel to wipe his face and she sat back, her face pink with exertion. Roman gulped a lungful of air and grinned at the cute physiotherapist. She had been working him hard the past few weeks, but he was finally starting to see some improvements.
Stretching out his leg he groaned slightly.
"I'm gonna be sore tomorrow."
"As long as you keep moving on it now, it shouldn't be too bad," Trudie reminded him as she pushed a coil of mahogany hair off her forehead.
"How can I keep moving? You've worn me out," Roman threw himself back on the padded floor and stared up at her with a cheeky grin on his face.
I'd rather wear you out another way all together, Trudie thought to herself as she looked down at him. She'd only seen Roman as his physio for seven sessions but if she had her way, she'd be seeing a whole lot more of him by the time she was done. And not in a professional capacity either.
"Hello?" Roman waved his hand in front of her blue eyes "Earth to Montgomery?"
"Mmmm, sorry?" Trudie shook her head. She shouldn't be having thoughts like this. He was a patient. Hell, he was Marlena Evan's ex-husband. She was new to town and she didn't know Marlena. She knew *of* her, knew that she was a highly respected member of the psychiatry team and that most people seemed to like her around the hospital. The last thing she needed to do was make an enemy of the woman before she'd been there five minutes. She shouldn't even be contemplating this. But *lord* his chestnut brown eyes and the way his hair curled when it was damp.... Her stomach flipped involuntarily and she managed a shaky smile.
"Sorry," she muttered, "I was just thinking you should probably go and get some lunch after that workout."
"Sounds like a great idea to me," Roman pushed himself up onto his elbows, "I'm ravenous. I think I'll go by the folks and grab a burger. Will you join me?"
Trudie blinked, not quite sure she had heard him right.
"You want me to go with you? For lunch?"
"Yeah," Roman grinned at her surprise. She was nothing like Marlena, but there was something about this woman that he really liked. A lot of things actually. And she made him laugh. It had been a long time since a woman had made him laugh. "There's no law against a patient asking his physio out for lunch is there?"
"No," she returned quickly, "none at all."
"Right then." Roman nodded. I'll go and get changed and I'll meet you back here all right?"
"Okay," Trudie's smile glittered in her cobalt eyes. "Give me ten minutes."
******
Dr. Buchanan handed Kristen her jacket and she shrugged it onto her shoulders.
"Kristen, I have to tell you I am concerned about your baby," Daniel crossed his arms, holding the clipboard against his chest. "You're 38 and a half weeks but from the measurements it appears to the eye that this baby is only 34 weeks along." Kristen's shoulders slumped. There couldn't be anything wrong with the baby. She didn't think she could stand to mother an imperfect child.
"Do you think it's retarded?" she asked in a shaky voice.
"We hope not Kristen, but I think that the tranquilizers that you took may have had some affect on the development of the fetus in utero."
"Is there anything you can do?" Kristen fixed him with wild eyes and the obstetrician felt a chill travel the length of his spine.
"There's nothing *I* can do Kristen, this is something that is down to you," he stared at her pointedly. They had already had this conversation once and Kristen seemed to have completely ignored his directions. "You need to rest. That means *bed* rest. You need to relax and you need to take those supplements I prescribed you." He lifted a hand and scratched his gingery beard. "You need to give this baby every chance you can for the next couple of weeks. We want to get this baby as big and healthy as we can before you give birth. I don't care if you go even a couple of weeks over your due date. The most important thing is the baby."
"All right Dr. Buchanan," Kristen looked sheepish. She had meant to rest. Really. But then things just kept coming up and she had been planning the wedding...... She scowled. She and John should be married by now.
"Kristen?" Daniel Buchanan interrupted her ruminations, "I'd like to see you again next week and we'll see how the baby is doing. Hopefully with the right management, the baby will be able to do some catching up." Kristen nodded silently. She didn't really care one way or another if the baby came now or in a months time. If it was born a little sickly, well that would give John all the more reason to stay close wouldn't it?
Dr. Buchanan watched her eyes closely and suddenly seemed to come to a decision.
"I'm going to suggest that Mr. Black hire a nurse to look after you while he's in hospital," the doctor told her. "He's obviously not going to be able to look after you and even after he is discharged you will still need the extra help." Kristen's eyes widened in surprise and then narrowed in annoyance. This she hadn't expected and this she certainly didn't want.
"But I don't need some stranger in my house," Kristen protested. "I can look after myself. There's my brother and my friends...." What friends? a small voice whispered at the back of her mind. Even Jennifer doesn't want anything to do with you now.
"No, I think this is the best way of ensuring that everything is under control." Buchanan seemed to be talking to himself rather than to Kristen. "After all if you were to go into labour while no-one was ......." He shook his head. "No, this is definitely the best way. I will arrange it with Mr. Black this afternoon."
Kristen glared at him as he turned his back. She would have gladly slipped a knife in between his ribs at this point, but some scrap of sanity told her that wasn't exactly going to make life easier for her.
"All right then," she muttered grudgingly as she slipped off the bed. If she couldn't fight this, she could at least use it to her best advantage and elicit some sympathy from John.
******
Roman was leaning against the wall waiting for Trudie when he saw Kristen walking towards him. She seemed to be wrapped up in her own thoughts as she wandered slowly down the hallway. Pressing himself back against the wall so that he was in the shadow of the corner, he watched her as she rubbed her protruding belly. It was only a moment later that she was in earshot.
"Well, let's see what daddy thinks of this shall we? Maybe if he knows that you're not doing so 'll get his mind off that whore for five minutes." She sighed heavily, an ugly expression sliding onto her face. "Why couldn't she just keep the *hell* away from us? That bitch can't keep her filthy hands to herself. She wants your daddy baby, even though she's already been screwing half of Salem. Well we won't let her have him, will we? She'll go to hell before she lays one of her oh so perfect hands on him. We'll see to that won't we sweetie?"
Roman shrank back even further as Kristen looked sideways, a smirk betraying her thoughts.
"She wouldn't even know what *hit* her. Precious "Doc" wouldn't be oh so perfect then would she baby?" The foul expression vanquished the smile and Kristen narrowed her eyes "She'd better just watch herself. Because if she thinks we're giving up John without fighting the good fight, she's oh so very *wrong*....."
Roman felt the adrenaline buzzing in his ears as he watched Kristen wander down the corridor. God, she was completely insane. He had suspected she was not exactly lucid at the Penthouse Grille, but dear God, this was something all together different. She was talking about hurting Marlena, and as far as she knew, Marlena was with Eugene and wanted nothing to do with John. Maybe she *suspected* something else, but to be so vitriolic about Marlena with no firm reason....
Roman shivered. He suddenly completely understood why Marlena and John had chosen to keep the truth silent for now. But he was also abruptly very frightened for his ex-wife. Kristen was just insane enough to carry through with her threats and she hated Marlena enough to show no mercy. And if her own baby was simply a pawn in her sick game, she would have no respect for the life of Marlena's child. Especially if she were to find out it was John's.
"Hey there you, I'm ready," Trudie stopped short as she caught a glimpse of Roman's ashen face. "Roman, what's wrong, what's happened?"
"Nothing ....yet," he turned to her, trying to shake the lingering dread that suffused him.
"Roman, you don't look like it's nothing," she put her hand on his arm, her face conveying her concern. "Is it something you want to talk about?"
"Not really," Roman shook his head and managed to find a smile from somewhere. He'd asked Trudie out to lunch and she deserved his full attention. He would find Marlena and John after lunch and fill them in on what he heard. "C'mon, let's go."
"Are you sure?" Trudie hung back as he took her arm. Something had upset him, that much she knew and she wasn't sure that he really wanted to forget about it right now. "You know, we can do this another time."
"Sure we can do it another time," Roman's eyes crinkled at the corners as he grinned, "but I'd like to do it now as well." Taking her hand, he pulled on it, "So let's go. I'm hungry."
******
Kristen heard the laughter as she neared John's room and her stomach immediately curdled. Her hands screwed up into fists as she glared at Duncan. He looked back at her artlessly and her eyes narrowed. He was in cahoots with that witch, she *knew* it. *Damn* her. Damn them *ALL*.
Pursing her lips so hard that they appeared bloodless, Kristen walked to the open doorway. Mike Horton was in there, taking John's blood pressure while Marlena sat on the edge of the bed, her skirt hiked up her thigh. Kristen didn't know about John's blood pressure, but she could feel her own rocket as she watched Marlena throw back her head and utter a throaty laugh before she swiped at John with a playful hand.
John was laughing too, his blue eyes flashing in a way that Kristen realized she had not seen in a long time. Jealousy flooded her as she watched John reach out and touch Marlena's hand as he reminded her about some sign in sheet. Obviously *ancient* history and something Kristen would rather was left in the garbage heap of John and Marlena's past, judging by the way the two of them were giggling.
She could barely move, the fury that streamed through her was scalding but she knew she had to calm down. This stress would do the baby no good and she couldn't let John see that this bothered her so much. If something was going on between John and the whore shrink, she couldn't let them see that she was suspicious. Not yet.
Neither John, nor Mike had seen Kristen yet, and Marlena had her back to the other woman. Enjoying herself so much she hadn't even thought to check that Mike had closed the door when he had come in. But she had work today and she couldn't stay here all afternoon. Pulling her jacket closer around her, she slid off the bed and straightened her skirt.
"I'd better go," Marlena tapped the face of her gold watch. "Patient."
"Why hurry off now Marlena?" Kristen's cool voice ventured from the doorway. "After all, you were having *such* a good time."
"Kristen!" Marlena whirled around on her heel.
"Were you expecting somebody else?" Kristen didn't like the startled expressions that suddenly developed on John and Marlena's faces. Like somebody had caught them doing something they shouldn't have been.
"I have to go," Marlena repeated in a firm voice as she turned back to John. The best way in her estimation to treat Kristen, was to essentially treat her like she didn't exist.
"Oh, please don't let me interrupt your touching goodbye," Kristen smirked as she pulled her jacket off.
Marlena looked at John, her jaw set in tenseness. John wanted to take her hand and squeeze it, but his nerves were all on edge. Obviously Kristen didn't like seeing the two of them together and he didn't want to do anything that would make her the least bit suspicious.
"Take care John," her voice was cold and it made John cringe internally. He could read how much she hated this in every move she made but he could do nothing about it. "I'll bring the kids in to see you as soon as I can."
"That will be nice," he returned in a carefully neutral tone. "Have a nice week Doc."
Her eyes flashed with something he couldn't quite read and then she turned away from him. Kristen watched Marlena carefully as she walked towards her. She saw her eyes avert to her swollen belly and Kristen unconsciously lay her hand across it. At that, Marlena's eyes flickered back to Kristen's face and Kristen caught an instant of pure loathing in them.
Involuntarily she stepped back and let Marlena pass, and then the psychiatrist was gone. Shaking her head with a modicum of surprise, Kristen focused on John.
"Sometimes I really think Marlena doesn't like me."
John was silent for a moment, astounded by Kristen's....he wasn't sure whether it was her audacity or her insanity.
"Ah...I don't know why you would think that Kristen," he almost choked on the words, unable to put any kind of feeling into them.
"Hrrrmmm," Mike suddenly had a convulsive coughing fit and had to leave the room. Kristen ignored him completely as she advanced into the room.
"It's just the way she looks at me John and the way she speaks to me. It's just the impression I get," she shrugged her shoulders and dropped her jacket on the end of John's bed. "I don't know why she has to come and visit you so much. She's got Eugene hasn't she?"
"She's just being kind and visiting Kristen, we *are* friends," John tried hard not to let his antipathy for this monster show.
"I don't *like* her hanging around so much John," Kristen's face was stony, "it's not right. She has her own man, she doesn't need to monopolize you as well."
"She's Belle's mother Kristen," John raised his eyebrows, "and she's in my life whether you like it or not. You'd just better get used to it." Realizing how cold he sounded, he took a deep breath. Easy does it John. Don't give her any reason to doubt you. "I do promise you, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. I'm committed to you and our baby now and Marlena has Eugene and their baby. Everything is going to work out just fine."
"I hope so John," Kristen sank onto his bed. She had to play this right or she'd blow it. Better to make John feel sorry for her than angry *at* her at this point. "I'm sorry I just get a little jealous because I know your history and the bond the two of you share. It makes me insecure sometimes. I'm sorry if I get a little crazy." She still wasn't entirely convinced by John's words, he didn't seem particularly vehement in his need to make her believe him. But it was best not to let him know that right now.
"That's okay, I understand," John nodded his head and Kristen noticed that he didn't reach for her in the way he had for Marlena and there was no term of endearment tacked on to the end of the words. This wasn't right, something was up.
"There's something else John," Kristen twisted the corner of her sheet between her fingers.
"What is it Kristen?" John tried to sound interested but really, he just wished she'd go and bother someone else. It wasn't going to happen though, so with resignation, he tried to look concerned.
Kristen looked at him with big worried eyes and chewed on her lower lip. "What is it?" he repeated himself.
"I went to see Dr. Buchanan this morning for my pre-natal check-up," she said slowly. "John he says the baby is developing too slowly and he's worried there might be complications."
"What sort of complications?" John asked, a little too quickly.
"He didn't really say," she prevaricated with some vagueness. "He's worried about the baby's size, it's about five weeks behind what it should be. He wants me to have complete bed rest until the baby is born and he wants you to hire a nurse to look after me." She scrunched up her face, trying to produce something that would pass for tears. "John, I'm scared. What if something is wrong with our baby?"
"Did he *say* anything was wrong Kristen?" John's fingers were gripping her arm tightly and Kristen tried to pull away from him.
"No, he said that they can't tell if anything is wrong, not until it's born." She tugged her arm again, "Ow John, let go, you're hurting me."
"Oh God, I'm sorry Kristen," he looked at her arm, quite horrified at the white indentations that his fingertips had left around her lower arm, "I'm sorry baby, I'm just worried too."
Kristen's chin trembled before she buried her face in her hands and pretended to weep.
"It'll be okay baby," John put his hand on her shoulder and against his better judgement, pulled her to him. "Everything will be okay, the baby will be born fine and healthy. Just you wait and see."
Clinging to him, Kristen smiled secretly as she felt his arms enfold her.
******
"So what? You never even got any of the letters?" Trudie was stunned. "Wow, that's a bit rough."
"Well, it was worse for the family I think because at least I had no idea what was going on. I think they just thought I didn't care." Roman dipped a french fry in the ketchup on his plate and bit off the end of it. "And maybe it was better that I didn't know at the time or I would have wanted to come straight home. And I wasn't really in the state to go anywhere." He raised his eyebrows.
"You've made wonderful progress since you've been home though," it was a statement of fact from a professional, not simply a compliment.
"Ironic really," Roman smiled, "that my family should be the ones to give me the inspiration to heal."
"Not really ironic," Trudie stole one of his fries with a grin, "pretty natural I would say."
"So what about you Dr. Montgomery?" Roman raised his eyebrows, "You have the advantage on me. How about you share some of your deep dark secrets."
"Oh no, I think we'd be here all night," Trudie's smile brightened, "though on second thoughts, maybe I like that idea."
"Well...." Roman gave her a wicked little grin, "I do have to go back to the hospital to talk to Marlena, but after that how about we meet up and you can fill me in."
"Oh behave," Trudie took a long sip of her beer. Or even better, how about you fill *me* in. "Here. At six. And I'll show you one of my favourite haunts."
"Six," Roman grabbed his jacket, the wicked grin reflected in the glint in his eyes. "You're on."
******
Marlena sat in her office and dropped her head into her hands. She should be able to deal with this situation better than she was. Seeing Kristen just about drove her crazy and knowing that the woman bore her child made it all the worse.
She looked at the phone for a long moment and then reached out and lifted the receiver. Pursing her lips, she contemplated the cool object in her hand for a moment and then let it drop back into it's cradle. She couldn't keep calling Gene every time she had a small crisis. She was a strong woman, she could deal with this on her own.
And maybe if she kept telling herself that it would actually come true.
Walking to the sofa, she sank into the welcoming plumpness. Deep inside her, John's baby stirred and she gave a sad smile as she crossed her arms across the bump of her stomach.
"We just have to hang on a little while baby, just a little while longer." Pulling her feet, she leant her head against the well padded back of the sofa. A tear trembled on her lash for a moment as she hugged herself tighter, trying to extinguish the loneliness she felt. And then it lost it's tenuous grip and tumbled to her cheek.
"Just a little while longer."
******
Q sat alone on the balcony of the penthouse, bouncing one of Brady's small rubber balls idly against the patio floor. As he felt the small object smack repetitively into his hand, he watched a gull wheeling over the river, outlined black against the blue sky.
"Well, well," Q didn't even twitch at the voice that came from the chair beside him, "busy day I see."
"I've been waiting for you," his voice was mellow with a hint of resignation.
"Oh Q, you're not going to get all maudlin on me are you?" Q2 leaned over and waved his very human looking hand in front of Q's face. Q barely blinked and continued to watch the gull as it swooped across the wide expanse of sky that stretched above the mountain range to the east. "I mean, you *won* after all. You should be dancing in the streets."
"Please don't play games with me Q," Gene sounded weary as he placed the ball on the table in front of him. He had been waiting for this day, especially now that John and Marlena were back together. He had fulfilled his end of the bargain. What was left for him to do here now? "You can take me back, or you can cast me to oblivion, just don't expect me to go laughing. We both know what I did. And I don't intend to beg again. So do what you will."
"Well Q," Q2 purse his lips thoughtfully and raised his eyebrows, "I can't deny you caused some consternation in the Continuum with that little stunt. You were *quite* believable. Of course we should have known you couldn't be trusted."
"I would have done anything to get back to her Q," Gene wasn't sure he could take Q2's mocking but he couldn't help himself where Marlena was concerned.
"Well apparently." Q2 nodded quietly amused. "But of course by the time we knew about it, you were already making a fool of yourself and that was that."
Q turned furious eyes to his compatriot.
"I don't care what any of you think," he stormed. "I *had* to get back to her."
"Woah there boy," Q2 held up his hand with a facetious grin, "you and your beautiful blonde really are quite an engaging diversion. But I do wonder if you ever contemplated why it is that the renegade Q wanted to help you *hide* your intentions from the Continuum at large. You must have known that they couldn't forever. And you can't hide Q, not from us."
"I don't particularly care what motivated them," Q replied sullenly.
"Well maybe you should have," Q2 disappeared for a moment and Q's eyes swiveled from left to right, wondering where Q2 would reappear next. He was starting to get a little pissed off when Q2 eventually reappeared, sitting on the table in front of him and continued as though nothing had happened. "After all, what you don't seem to realize, is that they didn't keep their word. The Continuum became aware of your intentions shortly after you left. It was only because they were interested to see the sweet doctor's reaction that they let you go Q."
"They what?" Q was genuinely confused. The renegade faction of the Q had promised to keep his intentions secret as long as they were able.
"It seems they wanted you out of the picture Q," Q2 raised his eyebrows. "We guess that their intention was to have you succeed in your quest to persuade the blonde vixen to run off with you," he grinned devilishly, "only to let the Q in on your little secret at the opportune time. Then you would be brought back to account for your actions, leaving the sexy little doc defenseless."
"Against what?" Q's mind was too busy spinning to defend Marlena against Q2's insinuations. He hadn't even wondered about these dissenters and here they were betraying him.
He needed to know why.
"Well, as to that," Q2 shrugged indolently, "your guess is as good as ours." Q glared at him angrily.
"You must have *some* idea as to their motives."
"Well, as best we can figure Q, apparently this group of dissidents would like to see the timeline remain in it's fractured state. We haven't quite worked out why that is yet." Q2 stood and wandered to the railing, seemingly interested by the town below. "They have scattered to all corners of the universe and the couple we have taken into custody refuse to tell us why. Unfortunately this is causing quite some problem back home Q."
"Problem?" Q's brow puckered
"The Q are disagreeing, about you, about the faction. It's caused some...shall we say some disputes." Q suddenly looked more closely at Q2. He looked tired and he was much less acerbic than usual Q realized.
"What does this mean for me?" he asked, almost intrigued.
"We think that one of the defectors is here in Salem and we want you to keep an eye out. In the meantime you are to stay close to" Q2 cracked a grin "the fair Marlena, and make sure the child she carries remains unharmed. Stefano DiMera must not be allowed to get his hands on her or either of the children. If he does it could be disastrous."
"Obviously DiMera is not dead," Q pondered Q2's words.
"Of course he's not," Q2 rolled his eyes, "don't you listen to *anything* I tell you Q? He's Q, albeit without many of his powers. He cannot be killed but by another Q."
"Is there any indication as to where he is?" Q asked, troubled by Q2's revelations.
"It's hard to tell, he seems to be able to hide from us with some skill, but we believe he is close to Salem." Q2 frowned. "Maybe closer than we know."
******
Kristen stood on the balcony, her elbows making good use of the railing. The city seemed to be bursting to life beneath her. Spring had come late this year but now that it was here, it was taking hold fast. The trees in the park were already verdant with new leaves and Kristen could almost smell the earthy warmth in the air. But really, she could have cared less about any of it.
Dr. Buchanan had interrupted her visit with John and he was now trying to find a nurse to look after her. Like she *needed* a nurse to dog her every move. The idea was simply ridiculous.
Still, she and Peter would find a way to deal with it. She was waiting for him now while mulling over the last few days in her mind. She had given Duncan a long, hard look when she'd come out of the room earlier and she was more convinced than ever that he was in on some plot to keep her from seeing too much of John.
Of course if that was the case, then that bitch Marlena was probably involved. Kristen thought about how she had been there when John had woken and how she had seen her coming out of John's room several days later. And then today.....
God, Kristen hated her. The only pleasure she got when thinking of Marlena was the thought of throwing her off a balcony like this, or feeling her fingers around Marlena's throat, slowly squeezing the life out of her as she tried to beg for mercy.
In her more psychotic moments, Kristen would fantasize about how Marlena would look as she realized she was going to die, the fear in her eyes, the terror shaking her body. It made Kristen feel powerful and it gave her quite a rush to think of destroying her enemy in such a way. The idea of having Marlena out of her life, out of John's life forever was almost too irresistible for words and not for the first time, Kristen found herself getting quite excited.
"Krissy?" Peter's voice came from behind her. "What's up?"
"Peter!" Peter was quite shocked as Kristen turned to him. Her eyes had a wild quality that quite scared him and her lips were scarlet in a pale face. "Peter, I need you to do something for me."
"W....what?" He didn't sound at all sure that whatever she would suggest would be even close to a good idea.
"I need you to have someone watch Marlena," Kristen said in a low voice.
"Marlena?" Peter repeated looking at Kristen with some confusion.
"I think she and John are sneaking around behind my back Peter. I think they have some kind of secret tryst going on, she goes to see him and then that f*cking guard makes sure I stay out."
"What makes you think that Krissy?" Peter put his hand on her arm, hoping it would calm her a little.
"I found that bitch in John's room today," Kristen hissed. "I know there's something going on. I just *know* it."
"Krissy, don't get so upset. They're friends. She's the mother of his daughter. Of course she's going to visit him."
"She *wants* him Peter. I can *smell* it." Kristen had developed a feral gleam in her eyes. "Well let her *try*. Because if that slut thinks she can get in the way of me getting what I want, she's got another thing coming."
"Kristen!" To Peter, his sister sounded half-crazy and it frightened him. There was no telling what she could do in this state.
"I vow to you here and now Peter. If Marlena tries to come in between me and John," Kristen slammed a fist into her open palm with a cruel smile, "I will make her *pay*."
******
Roman turned away from the door, his eyes fearful. He had seen Peter go out to the balcony and intrigued, he had followed him. After what he had overheard earlier on today he now had no doubt that Kristen was completely deranged, and dangerous with it.
He sincerely believed that if she found out that Marlena was really pregnant with John's child that she might try to hurt her, or even worse. Roman had to make sure that didn't happen.
Hurrying down the corridor, he traced the familiar route to Marlena's office. After all these years he could almost do it with his eyes closed. He only hoped that she was there.
******
Marlena barely heard the first knock on her office door but the second was more insistent and she raised her head tiredly.
"Who is it?" her voice was raspy.
"Doc, it's Roman." She heard the pause in his voice as he tried to figure out what was wrong.
"Oh Roman," she straightened up on the couch and swiftly wiped the tears from under her eyes. "Come in."
Roman opened the door tentatively.
"Sorry if I'm in-" seeing her face he stopped short. Closing the door quickly behind him he came to where she was sitting. "What's wrong Doc, are you okay?" Marlena's smile was pinched as she nodded unconvincingly. "C'mon sweetheart, you don't normally cry for no reason." He took her hands in his as he perched on the edge of the seat next to her.
"Oh Roman," fresh tears wet her cheeks as she shook her head. "I....I'm just...." she lifted a hand and flicked her fingers over her cheeks again. With a tear-choked giggle, she looked at him. "I'm sorry, I must look a sight."
"You look wonderful," he said softly. She always looked wonderful to him. "Now tell me what's wrong."
"Oh," she shrugged her shoulders jadedly, "I think it's mainly hormones. I'm just finding it very hard to walk away from John as though nothing matters. Especially when Kristen is there." The pitch of her voice dropped as she spoke Kristen's name and Roman felt her tense beside him.
"I know it must be hard Doc," he whispered, squeezing her fingers, trying to ignore how she made him feel, even after all these years. "But listen, you have to be *very* careful where Kristen is concerned."
Sitting back, Marlena looked at him, her brows knitting in consternation.
"That's not exactly what I expected to hear from you Roman," she answered carefully.
"Doc, I'm really sorry about the other night," Roman admitted. "I was way to hard on you. I know I can be judgmental," he grinned contritely, "and I've tried real hard to work on that in the last few years. Sometimes I just slip up. This was one of those times. I'm sorry."
"Oh Roman," she sighed, "you don't need to apologize. I just wish this was all so different. That we didn't have to feel this way."
"No point on wasting all your wishes on the past Doc," Roman reminded her lightly, "save them for the things you can change in the future."
"Oh you're a wise man Roman Brady," she smiled despite herself. "But what did you mean about Kristen?"
"Doc," Roman took a deep breath. He was still questioning his judgement in telling her this but he knew he had to. "I happened to overhear Kristen a few minutes ago. She suspects that there's something going on between you and John." Marlena sighed and pulled her hands from Roman's. Dropping her head, she rubbed her fingertips across her suddenly aching forehead.
"John's been trying to reassure her that there's nothing to worry about," her voice was low and Roman couldn't discern any stray emotion, "but his heart's not in it Roman. And...." she paused briefly, "I guess I haven't really helped in that regard."
"Doc, I know that this has to be hell for you but I'm *extremely* concerned about Kristen's state of mind." Roman squeezed her hand, trying to make her understand that this was serious. "I really think she's close to going completely mad Marlena."
Marlena sat back and blinked slowly as she tried to make sense of what he was telling her. What scared her was that Roman was not prone to exaggeration. And she was sure he would not be trying to scare her like this if he wasn't genuinely sure she was in some sort of danger. But still...
"I know she's not exactly controlled Roman, but what makes you think that she's crazy?"
"Doc, when I overheard her...." He paused, thinking of Marlena's fainting spell the other night. He really shouldn't be putting her under this sort of stress. But on the other hand, she really needed to know the sort of danger she was in. What if he said nothing and Kristen caught her by surprise? He would never be able to forgive himself. He could try and protect her as much as he could, but the truth was, he couldn't be with her 24 hours a day and he'd probably send her crazy if he tried. This was the only way he could begin to ensure her safety, he knew that. "She was very angry Marlena. She thinks you're trying to steal John away from her." He took Marlena's hand in between his again. "She sounded very determined and it frightened me to think of the lengths she might go to...."
"You really think....?" It was so hard for Marlena to comprehend the thought of someone trying to hurt another human being. But she was a psychiatrist and she knew only too well that when people felt they were pushed too hard, it was entirely possible that they could be driven to do irrational or harmful things.
"Doc, you didn't see the look on her face," Roman shuddered visibly as he thought of what he had seen. "it was like she got some kind of kick out of threatening you. It made me really frightened for you."
Marlena shrank from her ex-husband as she tried to take in his words. Crossing her arms in front of her, she hunched over as she stared at the carpet. Could this possibly get any worse?
"Doc, I think we should go and see John," Roman said with quiet encouragement, "I think you could use his support right now, and he should know what is going on too." Marlena was silent but she nodded her assent. She really needed John's love and his quiet strength right now.
Letting Roman help her up from the sofa, she followed him to the door, wondering silently how much more of this she could take.
John lay back against his pillows silently and contemplated the ceiling. He wondered exactly how many times it was he had explored this ceiling with his eyes in the last few weeks. He would probably dream about it when he went home. It would be better than the dreams he was having right now at any rate.
"John?" Marlena pushed open the door quietly, "honey, are you awake?"
His eyes widened as he peered at her in the dim light. It was late and he would have thought she would have been home, putting the children to bed.
"Doc, what are you doing here?"
"What a lovely greeting that is," she teased him quietly.
"Oh I'm sorry baby, I just didn't expect you to come tonight," he took her hand in his as she came to the bed.
"I have to take my chances when I can," she leaned over and pressed her lips softly against his. He moaned slightly and lifted his hand, burying his fingers in her hair.
Marlena felt the heady rush of desire as his lips crushed hers and she welcomed his passion as a fierce reflection of her own.
"Honey," she pulled back with a breathless exclamation, "I can't stay for long."
"Oh Doc," his words were little more than a frustrated groan.
"I know baby," she whispered, burying her face against his warm neck, "I know."
It had been almost two weeks since Roman had told her about Kristen and they had gone to see John. They had agreed between themselves that it was safer to keep their distance for now. At least until John got out of hospital. But it wasn't exactly that easy. Marlena had found herself outside John's room with quite some bemusement on several occasions and they had snatched sweet moments where they could.
But simply they were frustrated and as Kristen's due date approached, they found it harder rather than easier to be apart. Marlena particularly felt edgy, knowing that Kristen was supposed to be confined to bed and yet seeing her shopping at Salem place or lunching with her brother. Biting her tongue was not as easy as she had thought, especially when she had overheard Kristen calling the baby a little brat.
"Baby, I'll be out of this bed real soon," John promised, "and Kristen is due in a couple of days, so surely it can't be too much longer." He kissed her forehead. "We just have to hang in there sweetheart."
"I know," Marlena's eyes were shadowed in the soft light but her face broke into a beautiful smile as she looked up at him. "I think I can get thought anything if I know you're by my side."
"Always," he smiled in reply before he leaned down to capture her lips with his.
Marlena closed her eyes and concentrated on the softness of his lips as they brushed against her own, eliciting a tingle that seemed to explode inside her. Again his lips fluttered past hers and she drew in a sharp breath as she felt his hand on her thigh. She longed for him so badly that it hurt and she searched for him instinctively, moaning as she felt his lips taking hers, his tongue slipping between them, searching for that intimate bond that they had denied for so long. At the same time, his fingers massaged her nylon clad skin as her own slid into John's hair, striving to become ever closer to one another.
Suddenly John tensed and Marlena broke the kiss as she felt his panic build.
"John?" she slipped her palm around to his cheek and waited for him to open his eyes. Then she caught him with an urgent glance. "What is it honey?"
He said nothing for a moment, reliving the horrible vision in his mind, the one that had haunted his dreams lately and was now infecting his waking moments.
"Marlena," she could tell from his voice that he was shaken and she knew that the question that she had dreaded was most probably on the way. "Why won't you tell me what happened? Why won't you tell me what put me in here?"
Marlena looked down and composed her thoughts, focusing on the large, callused hand that lay, forgotten against her leg.
"I've been avoiding it," she told him honestly, "and you didn't seem particularly eager to know. I really wanted to wait until you are ready to deal with it."
"Do you think I'm ready to deal with it?" he asked in a shaky voice.
"Do *you*?" The sweet amber of Marlena's eyes were submerged in sadness and for a moment John was unsure if he was.
"I've been having dreams Doc," he told her in a low voice, "actually, they're nightmares. I *need* to know."
"Oh baby," her fingers slipped mournfully over his cheek and down to his chest. Her eyes flickered momentarily to the small cushion of gauze that still covered his injury and her brow crumpled unhappily.
"What was it Doc?" John asked gently. Marlena looked up at him, his eyes quietly questioning and she pressed her lips together and looked away again.
She had been to see Carrie only yesterday, but her step-daughter had simply stared into the distance, unseeing, unknowing that anyone else was even there.
It broke Marlena's heart to see her there so alone, to feel so powerless to help her. In her darkest moments she wondered why, when she was a practicing psychiatrist, she was unable to help those she cared the most about. But there was no helping Carrie, she knew that really. There was nothing that she could do, except for sit and hold her hand and pray that one day the beautiful strong young woman she knew would awaken inside this dormant shell that Carrie had become.
"Doc?" John's voice brought her back to the hospital room and she stilled herself before taking a deep breath.
"Well I think you've probably gathered that you were shot," she started in a voice that was surprisingly stronger than she expected it to be.
"I'm an ex-cop Doc," John managed a grin, "I might be an idiot sometimes, but there's some things I do remember. I know what a gunshot wound looks like." He looked down at his shoulder ruefully and touched tentative fingers to it. "Fairly close range too I think."
"It was," Marlena nodded, feeling herself detaching slightly. 'Doctor-mode' could be a blessing sometimes. "Well you know I told you that you were at the Penthouse Grille. Kristen had organized a surprise.....party," her nose wrinkled betraying her distaste and John couldn't help smiling lovingly at her. "I think I told you that it was actually more than a party. She was intending it to be a wedding." She looked at John, her eyebrows raised. "*Your* wedding."
"You did tell me," his repugnance equaled hers in measure, "But I'm still having a hard time coming to grips with it..... *My* wedding." Any disbelief dissipated as he remembered Kristen in her white dress with the flowers.
"Mmmm-hmmm," Marlena nodded her head. "She asked you to marry her in front of everyone. Our family and friends."
"She really thought I would *marry* her?" John was truly astounded at that notion. Although again he supposed he really shouldn't be when he remembered what Roman had said the other week.
"Apparently so," Marlena didn't try to hide the chuckle that simmered in her voice. "And she was none too happy when you told her you couldn't." John grinned.
"I was going to tell her it was because I was in love with you."
"I know," Marlena tilted her head to one side with a sweet smile. "I think it was that moment that I truly realized that there is nothing that can keep us apart."
"I do love you," he whispered tenderly lifting his hand to her face.
"I love you too," she leaned forward and he felt the murmur of her lips against his.
"So what happened....?" John finally asked when she had pulled back. "We've been through this before but I don't understand where the shooting fits into all this?" A weak flicker of a smile glossed his lips. "I'm sure Kristen wasn't hiding a gun in those flowers."
"No," Marlena sighed heavily. She really wished there was some other way of doing this. "Before you could say anything the music started up and there was a commotion in the crowd that was surrounding us." She frowned and filled her lungs again, deeply. She breathed out slowly and John became aware in his peripheral vision that her hands had balled up into tight little fists.
His forehead puckered with concern as she tried to reign in her emotions.
"Ah, no-one really knew what was going on," she raised a hand unconsciously and scratched the back of her neck nervously as she looked away unable to hold his eyes. "Before we knew what was happening, Carrie was standing in front of you and she was holding a gun."
"*Carrie?*" John felt as though he'd been walloped in the stomach and suddenly the vision of his nightmare fleshed out into memory and he sucked in a rapid breath.
"I'm sorry honey," Marlena shook her head, her eyes betraying the pain she felt. "We don't know why she did it. It was as though it wasn't even *Carrie*. It....." she shook her head trying to find the words, but failing. "It was all so fast."
"So she shot me," John's voice was dull and it cut like a scythe through Marlena.
"She didn't know what she was doing John," she clutched at John's hands with her own chilled ones, and her words tumbled out as she tried to defend Carrie. "Later she didn't even know she'd done it. It was as though she was on automatic pilot. John," he heard her little gasps for breath and the sound jostled him from his self-pity, "John, Austin tried to stop her. But he got in the way."
"Austin?" John shook his head bewilderedly. None of this made any sense.
"John, honey, Austin's dead."
John simply shook his head, almost too dazed to digest this last bit of news.
"And Carrie?" he asked finally, his blue eyes piercing as he tried to determine the fate of his attacker, the young woman he considered his daughter.
"She....the shock of it all was too much," Marlena's voice had dropped to a whisper, "she had a breakdown. She's.....it's like there's no-one there now John." Marlena's voice cracked uncontrollably. "John, our baby girl has gone."
"Oh Doc," John felt a keen grief roll through him as he thought of his beautiful, fragile Carrie, and tears slipped unbidden down his cheeks.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," Marlena touched wavering fingers to his cheeks, sharing his tears and his pain. "I don't know why she did it, none of us understand it." She lay her head against his chest and took some comfort in the slow muffled thud of his heart within. "Poor Kate is absolutely inconsolable. She's even talking about leaving Salem with Phillip and making a new start."
"It doesn't make sense Doc," John murmured, his voice rumbling against Marlena's pale cheek. In his mind he could see Carrie and the deadly piece of metal she was pointing at him. "Carrie would never be able to hurt anyone. Why on earth...." his voice faded as an iciness settled over him.
"Roman and Abe have been trying to find out where Carrie went while she was away," Marlena's voice was muted, "but it seems to be one dead end after another. Even the cab company she supposedly called to go to the airport swears they didn't pick her up."
It was a moment before Marlena realized that John had tensed and his silence was alarming her.
"John?" she whispered, "what is it?" An involuntary shiver made her tremble and the feeling of her shaking in his arms dragged John away from his thoughts.
"Doc, there's only one thing that I can think of that would make someone do something so *completely* against their nature," his eyes narrowed, "or should I say only one *person*."
Marlena stiffened immediately and pushed herself back from John.
"No." She shook her head defiantly. "*No* John. He's *dead*. He's *dead* dammit!"
"Doc, you said yourself we can't believe he's dead unless we've seen his body," John's urgency filled Marlena with all the preserved dread that the spectre of Stefano DiMera could raise.
"No John, he can't come back, it can't be..... You must be mistaken...." Marlena could feel the panic rising like bile in her throat and she fought to keep it in check.
"Marlena," John caught her upper arms with strong hands, his voice hard and cold. "A couple of days before the party, I received an envelope in the mail. The only thing in it was a jigsaw puzzle piece. It was white and the only thing on it was the letter 'C'. Now you tell me that's not DiMera's calling card."
Marlena glared back at him obstinately and shook his hands off her.
"You don't *know* that," she argued.
"Of *course* I know it Doc!" John exploded angrily. "That *bastard* had his filthy hands on Carrie and he *made* her do those things. It's his game, his way of toying with us all. What better way to destroy the Brady's than from inside?" Marlena said nothing, but she pressed her fingers to her mouth and looked away from John. "If I ever get my hands on that bastard, so help me, I will *tear* him limb from limb."
"John!" The terror Stefano's name ignited within her, combined with John's unabated hatred was enough to make Marlena feel as though she might be sick. "John please, I......" she shook her head, tears pooling in haunted eyes, "I really don't want to talk about it."
"Marlena, we *have* to talk about it," John was possessed with the exigency of the situation, and his anger was almost overwhelming. "If he's out there, if he *did* have Carrie then we *have* to be aware of it. I don't want to frighten you baby, but this is a very real possibility."
"I...." Marlena looked lost for a moment and then she nodded, abandoning her argument. What was the point? She knew Stefano only too well. He was relentless and he would keep on coming and coming for them until either he was finally dead, or John was. And the thought terrified her. But it was real and she had to face it. "I know you're right."
"And I know you're frightened sweetheart," he cupped her cheek with a tender hand, "but I'll be out of here in the next couple of days. Mike said so when I saw him today. And between Gene, Roman and I, we can protect you."
"But for how long John?" her hazel eyes held only fear and resignation. "I don't want to live the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, waiting for Stefano to pounce. He's like a cat the way he toys with us. I'm not sure how much of his manipulation I can take. He's destroyed so much already."
"I won't let him touch us again baby," he pulled her towards him and whispered into her golden locks, "I promise I won't."
Marlena wasn't sure she believed his assurance. She wasn't even sure he believed it.
******
It was in fact the next morning that Dr. Mike Horton came to see John again. Along with several of his associates, Mike spent several minutes examining John and prodding his shoulder. None of them seemed to be able to believe just how fast John's wound had healed. In fact, John was having trouble believing it himself. Not of course that he had any problems with this. He was desperate enough to get out of the hospital and spend some quality time with Marlena that he wasn't about to question it.
For Mike's part it seemed more than a little odd to him that this was the second miraculous recovery he had seen in the Black family in a little over six months. Of course it probably wasn't any more odd than the fact that Kristen was carrying Marlena's baby but didn't know it. However, he had decided several days previously, that it had to be more than coincidence that all of these miracles seemed to have taken place since Eugene Bradford had arrived back in town.
Marlena herself arrived at the hospital and sought out John's room in just enough time to hear Mike tell John that he was being discharged that morning.
"Can I talk to Doc alone Mike?" John asked benignly.
"Of course," Mike nodded as he ushered the other two doctors out of the room. "I'll be back in a few minutes with the discharge papers for you to sign."
"Thanks," John swung his feet out of the bed and planted them on the floor. Grinning at Marlena he winked. "Can't tell you how good this feels."
"I'll bet," Marlena went to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. Leaning her head on one side, she smiled a golden smile up at him. "I can't wait to get you home."
"Mmmmm," John swept several strands of hair from her forehead and planted a kiss in their place. "But you know you can't take me home right now Doc. I have to go back to the loft."
Marlena's head dropped and he could feel her shoulders slump.
"Baby, you know I wish this could be different."
"I know," Marlena smiled as she looked up at him again. "I promised myself I'd be strong about this. So here I am. Being strong."
"Well you know that she's due this week, and the baby is not as big as it should be," he didn't know why he was repeating this. They had rehashed it too many times already. But he had to make sure that she understood that he even though he had to go and be with Kristen, his heart was really with her.
"I don't want," she freed her arms from around his waist and slid them around his neck instead, "to talk about Kristen."
"You don't?" he grinned responsively, "well I think, Dr. Evans, that you are *quite* brilliant."
"Mmmmm," she hummed, her breath hovering moist against his neck, "I rather thought so too."
"I'll tell you what," he whispered against her ear, provoking a delicious shiver, "I won't talk if you find a way to stop me."
"Is that a challenge Mr. Black?" Marlena murmured, pressing herself even closer to him.
"Well, do you think you're up to it Dr. Evans?" he teased her.
"I think the question is," she brushed her lips gently against his at the same time as she moved her body slowly against his, taking delight in the moan she evoked, "are *you*?"
"Hhhhrrmmm," Mike cleared his throat from the doorway. "He may be ready to go home Marlena, but be gentle on him okay?"
"Okay," Marlena smiled, a small flush of embarrassment staining her cheeks. "I promise to be careful with him Doctor." Turning back to John, she gazed up at him from under lavishly thick lashes. "I have to go right now anyway, I have a patient in a few minutes."
John didn't want to let go of her, but finally he relinquished her from his arms with a heartfelt sigh.
"I'll call you later okay?"
"Please," she replied sincerely before planting a soft kiss on his lips.
John watched her go, transfixed as she turned around and winked suggestively at him. Then she was gone and he blinked and turned to Mike.
"Let's get this underway Mike, I have a thousand and one things to do."
"I'm only letting you out of here on condition you don't overdo it," Mike warned him. "I don't want to see you back in here in a few days because you've strained something."
"Well," John stared at the doorway with a silly grin, "I'll try, but Mike, I don't think you'll blame me if I don't succeed."
"You're probably right," Mike answered congenially with his own amused smile. "You are probably quite right at that."
******
John pushed open the loft door and cringed as Kristen wrapped her arms around him.
"It's so good to have you back home baby!" she screeched as her stomach pushed into his back.
"Ow Kristen," John pulled her off him with his good arm and checked that the bandage was still in place. She hadn't really hurt him that much but it was a good excuse to get her away from him.
"Oh I'm sorry baby," taking his bag, she handed it to the nurse that stood just inside the door.
"Maya, Can you take that upstairs for Mr. Black please," she commanded as though the woman was a maid. "C'mere baby," Grabbing his hand, she pulled him over to the couch. "Come and sit down with me. It's so great to finally have you all to myself!"
John struggled to find an argument for not sitting with her, but he couldn't find one so with a sinking feeling in his stomach he sat down next to her. That sinking feeling flickered into one of nausea as he felt Kristen's lips brush his cheek.
"I've missed you so much," she murmured as she draped an arm around his shoulder. John swallowed and tensed as he felt her wetted lips slide across his cheek and begin to nibble on his earlobe. He would have crawled out of his skin if he could have, he found her that repulsive these days. He couldn't even begin to see why he had found her so attractive, not when he had Marlena to compare her to.
God, how he wished Marlena was here. He wished he could just leave Kristen here and go and find her, hold her, smell her, talk to her. He loved her, he wanted her so badly....
He was jolted from his thoughts by the sound of the telephone. Tearing himself from Kristen's arms with the utmost haste, he snatched up the receiver.
"Hello? John?" It was Caroline Brady on the other end.
"Caroline?" John almost let out a sigh of relief.
"John honey, we were wondering if you would come down to the pub tonight. We want to have a welcome home party for you." John could hear the happiness in his almost mother's voice and he couldn't help but smile himself.
"A party?"
"Family and close friends. We just want to celebrate you coming back to us John. I think almost losing you has given us all a reminder of just how much we owe you and how much we care about you." Her voice lowered and John could feel her almost palpable emotion. "We love you John and we want to show you that we do. You will come won't you?"
"Well, when you put it like that," John grinned irrepressibly, "how can I refuse?"
"Well, you're not supposed to," Caroline chuckled happily. "So we'll see you about sevenish?"
"Count on it," John nodded his head. "And thanks Caroline."
"Just make the most of this second chance John," Caroline's voice became earnest, "that's all I ask."
"Oh I plan to," he grinned and nodded his head again. "About seven then."
Kristen waited until he had replaced the phone before asking him what the party was for.
"For me," he nodded his head happily, almost lost in his own thoughts. "To celebrate my recovery and my homecoming."
"Who's going to be there?" Kristen asked solemnly.
"Family and friends she said," John went to the kitchen and pulled the coffee pot out of the filter machine in order to wash it. Kristen watched him with narrowed eyes. That of course, meant Marlena would be there.
"John, don't you think you should rest on your first night home," she asked shrewdly. "I know I'm supposed to be resting and I would rather you stayed with me. Especially considering this is your first night home with me." When he didn't answer, she tried another tack. "The baby is due at any moment, I'd rather have you here with me in case anything goes wrong honey."
"Kristen," his tone wasn't argumentative, more factual as he spooned coffee into the filter. "The Brady's are my family and I want to see them all and celebrate my good fortune with them." He poured the pot full of water into the machine and switched it on. "You're quite welcome to stay home if you want, but I plan to make the most of this first night home. What do they say? This is the first night of the rest of my life. I want to enjoy it. I want to *live* it."
Kristen crossed her arms in front of her and tossed her lank hair over her shoulder. He obviously wasn't going to be dissuaded of this. However, she considered, if you can't beat 'em, at least keep an eye on 'em would be her motto at the moment. She wasn't about to allow him have any time with Marlena without being around to watch what went on. At least not if she had any sort of power over the situation. And power she knew she had. That brat in her belly gave her all the power she needed right now.
"Of course I want to come with you honey," she told him brightly. "I think it should be fine as long as I don't overdo it and we come home early." Again he didn't answer her as he pulled a mug out from the cupboard and placed it on the bench. Kristen felt her blood pressure rising as she glared at his back. She wanted to smash that cup to smithereens against the bench and demand his attention, to ask how he could dismiss her so easily. But she wasn't sure at all how far she could push him at the moment. For now she just had to play it cool.
"Did you say it was seven?" she asked quietly.
"Mmmm-hmmmm," John nodded as he turned back to her.
"All right then, I think I'm going to go and have a lie down before I get ready then," she decided. "Will you join me?"
"Uh," John's throat constricted as he realized what she meant. He didn't think he could even stomach touching her and it was to be avoided at all costs. "No, I've got some stuff to catch up on down here. I'll come up and check on you later on okay? And Maya will be up there," he added needlessly.
"Okay," she shrugged, saving her energy for bigger and more worthy arguments. Flicking her hair behind her shoulder again, she smiled predatorily. "I love you, baby."
"Mmmm, same here," John muttered before busying himself pouring his coffee.
Kristen waited for a moment, debating on whether to say something more, and then, deciding against it she left the room.
Letting out a sigh of relief, John let his taut shoulders relax as he picked up his coffee and took a scalding hot mouthful. He had been hoping that he had annoyed her enough that she wouldn't come tonight. He had really tried, but no such luck. He was stuck with her it seemed, whatever he did. She would be at his side at the pub and Marlena would be with Eugene. He only hoped they could all remember to play their respective parts well enough to fool her, or this was all for nothing....
Marlena stared at the door of the pub and shivered. This building held so many memories. So many good ones. And so many bad. Along with the her home and the hospital it seemed to have become one of the hubs of her life since it opened all those years ago. The warmth and the rich smell of timber and ale seemed to her almost synonymous with family and all those tumultuous emotions that families experienced.
She couldn't imagine her life without the Brady's pub but sometimes it took every ounce of willpower she had just to walk through the door and endure the battering of the memories that washed over her.
Tonight was one of those nights and she pulled her woolen coat closer around her, even though the air was quite mild. Gene frowned as he watched her.
"Do you want to go home?" he asked her quietly as he moved closer to her. She didn't say anything but Q felt her gravitate towards him as she crossed her arms. "C'mon," he whispered with a slight smile as he slipped his arm around her waist, "you don't have to put yourself through this if you don't want to."
"Yes I do," Marlena nodded her head slowly, almost hypnotized by the lights from the building in front of her. "It's going to look a little suspicious if we're not there don't you think?"
"Aw, who cares *what* it looks like Marlena," Gene tried to keep his voice cheerful. He didn't want her to know how worried he was about the prospect of her having to see John and Kristen together. She was right, it might raise a few eyebrows if they weren't there. However the prospect of a confrontation between Marlena and Kristen was infinitely less preferable. "You know I could just call the Brady's and tell them you're not feeling up to it. I'm sure they'd understand."
"No," Marlena shook her head this time, slowly, almost as if she had hardly heard a word Eugene had said.
"Marlena..." he tried again. But this time, Marlena closed her eyes and then turned around.
"No Gene," she said softly, "we have to do this. We have to convince everybody, and especially Kristen that we are a couple."
"But why?" he didn't particularly understand. "I mean Kristen is just about to have her baby. She could just about have it tonight."
"Not her baby, Gene," Marlena corrected. "My baby. And I need to make sure that there is no way that baby can be put in any danger." She shivered again as she recalled Roman's insistence that they be extra careful not to tip off Kristen's suspicions. "Besides," her eyes softened, "I miss John. I want to see him. Even if it has to be from across the room."
"Even with Kristen on his arm?" Q brushed his hand over her soft hair, the heel of his palm grazing her chilled cheek. "Sweetheart, I'm just worried about you. You don't need this added stress."
"Gene, I'll be fine," she nodded her head with a small smile, "and if we can convince everybody and especially Kristen that we are a happy couple, I hope it might allay her suspicions at least a bit. It could be enough to buy John and I a little time together." His face was in the shadows and she couldn't read his expression. "That is, if it's not too hard for you."
"Anything you want," he concealed his misgivings with a quick wink and a smile. He didn't think he'd have any problems playing the happy father. After all, he'd done it for Marlena once before. His only concern was that he might be a little too convincing.
"All right then," she reached for his hand, curling her own numbed fingers around his. "I'm ready if you are."
******
Kristen entered the Brady pub ahead of John and scanned the room with wary eyes. With little resistance, she let John take her black velvet jacket and hand it to Eric as he greeted the young man with a wide smile and a hug.
The pub was decked out festively with brightly coloured balloons and a banner above the bar that read "Welcome home John!" It was all so homely and so very 'Brady' that it made Kristen want to puke. Looking around she saw that most of the Horton's and Brady's that were still in town were at the pub, including a couple that she hadn't seen for a while. Kimberly Brady was by the bar talking to her niece and her teenage son, Andrew, was talking with his cousin Shawn-Douglas in the corner. And aside from the usual assortment of town benefactors, there were a number of John's friends, such as Abe Carver and his wife and other's from the precinct, as well as Vivian Alamain and her lapdog, Ivan.
And so, here they were. Stuck with the deadly dull Brady's and Horton's for the next few hours, having to play the happy and relieved wife. Not that that was a problem. Kristen knew she could do that. It was having to be nice to Marlena that could be her downfall.
She had almost immediately spied Marlena who was standing next to the kitchen door, looking perfect as usual. She was dressed in cream and the woolen swing jacket what she wore fell elegantly around her full stomach in soft folds. She had an orange juice in one hand and she was laughing as she talked to Laura Horton. Kristen's stomach twisted as she watched her. God, she hated that woman. It was an all-consuming pure flame of hatred that burned inside her skull and slithered through her veins until it reached and blackened her heart.
"Kristen?" John followed Kristen's gaze and wasn't surprised to see that she was looking at Marlena. Of course she was. The woman was utterly captivating. Every time he saw her, the sight of her simply made his heart flip.
One hand rested on her gently sloping belly and she was talking animatedly to Laura. But as has happened so many times in the past, she seemed to sense his presence and she turned to find him staring at her. Holding his eye for a moment longer than necessary, she proffered them an innocent smile and little wave as she turned to Eugene and handed him her empty glass. John felt his heart contract as he watched Gene lean over and whisper something in her ear. She laughed in return and nodded. He knew this was all make believe, a farce for Kristen's sake, but it didn't douse the jealousy which sparked within his gut as he watched them.
Kristen was also watching them, but surreptitiously, her eyes flickered sideways to take in John's expression. She knew him well and she could see the jealousy that flared in his eyes and the way the muscle in his cheek twitched as he saw Eugene's hand slide around Marlena's waist.
She pondered it for a moment as she turned back to watching Marlena. Yes he still wanted her, that much was obvious. But why would John be jealous if he was secretly seeing her anyway? In fact why wouldn't he just be here with Marlena instead of her? It didn't make any sense, but something, maybe her intuition , still told her that something was wrong, and it made her very uneasy.
Reaching for John's hand, Kristen wove her fingers between his.
"They look very happy," she murmured, hoping to provoke some kind of revealing response from John.
"Hmmmm?" John dragged his eyes from Marlena back to the woman by his side.
"Eugene and Marlena," Kristen turned to John with one of her patented fake smiles as she pulled her sweater down over her large belly. "They look wonderfully happy. You must be glad she has a good man in her life now."
She waited as John looked over at Marlena again. She was looking at him but when he caught her eye, she quickly turned back to Gene and laid her hand on his arm. "She deserves someone who will look after her. I think Eugene seems like a good man. Don't you think?"
"Mmmmm?" John wasn't quite sure what she wanted him to say. Right now he wanted to get *her* off the topic of Marlena and onto something a little less dangerous. "Sure. Gene's a good guy. He'll look after Doc."
"Do you think she's happy with him?" Kristen pressed, watching his face closely, waiting for that tell-tale twitch in his cheek that would give him away.
You're lying John.
"Sure," John shrugged with as much nonchalance as he could muster. "She seems happy enough. Although I guess it's not really my business what she does huh?" He smiled as convincingly as he could manage.
"I guess not," Kristen nodded with a forced smile. *If* he was telling the truth, then no it certainly wasn't his business. But that was a big if at the moment.
******
In the corner of the room, Marlena was ironically quite grateful for Gene's solid arms around her. Turning for another glimpse of John, she had caught Kristen's glare for a moment and it had made her almost sick to her stomach. Roman was right, she *was* unhinged and Marlena feared that the hatred that festered inside of Kristen could make her very dangerous.
"Are you all right Marlena?" Laura was concerned at Marlena's sudden pallor and she caught her friend's hand in her own.
"I'm fine Laura," she nodded but was forced to close her eyes as the room began to swim.
"Sweetheart?" Q had felt her tense against him when John and Kristen had looked in their direction but now she was feeling alarmingly limp.
"Gene," she whispered, trying to grip his arm with her spare hand.
"I think she needs to sit down," Laura ordered quickly and she helped Q lead Marlena to the nearest booth.
As soon as she was sitting, Marlena propped her elbows on the table and dropped her head into clammy hands, letting the dizziness and nausea flow over her. She had learnt that it was best not to fight it, that sometimes simply the only way to deal with it was to let it run it's course.
"Honey, what's going on?" Laura whispered at her side as she gently smoothed Marlena's hair back behind her shoulder. She knew Marlena was hiding something and she didn't buy this happy couple routine with Eugene. She knew Marlena better than that and she knew something was up. Especially since this dizzy spell had exactly coincided with John Black's arrival.
Laura had seen how devastated Marlena had been at the hospital, how grief-stricken she had been at the thought that she might never see John again. It just didn't make any sense that she wouldn't have taken the opportunity to tell him how she felt once he had woken from surgery. Unless of course he didn't feel the same. But Laura couldn't imagine that either. It seemed more than obvious to her that Kristen had only ever been a substitute for John when he had thought, or decided, he couldn't have Marlena.
"Nothing's going on Laura," Marlena said finally as she lifted her head. "It's just a dizzy spell. I'm feeling better now."
"Here," Gene placed a glass of water on the table in front of her. She looked up at him and saw the worry that creased his brow. "Are you sure you're okay?" She said nothing but found a tired smile from somewhere inside herself and nodded slowly.
"Doc?" her heart thumped as that voice she knew better than any other came from behind her. Turning around, she found his blue eyes clouded with concern.
"I'm fine John," her voice was a little harder than she had intended but Kristen was on her way over and she really couldn't deal with her in this state.
"Are you sure?" John pressed. His stomach had begun to churn when he had seen Laura and Gene lead her to the seat. He shouldn't have asked her to do this. He shouldn't have put her under this kind of stress.
"She's fine John. I'll look after her," Q too had seen Kristen barging across the room and he really didn't want to have to put Marlena through that. "Please, go and enjoy your party. It'll be better if you do."
John caught his meaningful look and turned to see Kristen coming towards him. Suddenly he felt incredibly deflated. He couldn't even protect Marlena from this, so how could he protect her from the likes of Stefano DiMera?
"Marlena?" Kristen took John's hand proprietarily in her own, but she noted it was lost on Marlena since the other woman had already dropped her head back into her hands and was studiously ignoring her. Still, Kristen wasn't about to give her the satisfaction of dismissing her so easily. "You don't look so good. Is everything okay?"
"She's just fine Kristen," John answered curtly, "she just needs some quiet, so let's give it to her." Not allowing Kristen to argue, he took a firm grip on her hand and pulled her away.
Laura watched them go, rather bemused by the odd exchange.
"Laura?" She turned back to find Eugene was standing . "Do you mind just giving us a little time alone? Marlena will be okay. She just needs a few minutes." Laura looked at him uncertainly before turning to Marlena.
"Do you want me to go honey?" she asked softly. In reply, Marlena lifted her head and nodded wanly.
"I'll be fine," she managed a small smile. "But thank you for being such a good friend."
"Any time," Laura gave her a heartfelt grin and followed it with a hug. "If you need me, you know where I am.
"I'll know," Marlena whispered as Laura slid out of the booth.
Q waited until she was gone before he slipped in next to Marlena.
"Oh Gene," she shook her head, tired and lost.
"I know," he nodded as he wrapped his arms around her and encouraged her to relax against him. "I know."
"I know it's not long," she said finally, the vibrations of her voice feathery against his chest, "but it just seems like an eternity at the moment. Every moment seems to go on forever."
"That's just because you want it to be over so bad," he smiled slightly but she couldn't see it, "trust me, I know all about time. It will end. I promise you that."
"When?" she asked in a small, besieged voice. "When will it be over because I'm not sure I can do this for much longer."
Pulling back slightly, Q stroked the back of his fingers along her cheek as he watched her hazel eyes darken.
"You can do it Marlena. I know it feels impossible right now, but I know you. You've been through worse than this."
"I guess so," Marlena couldn't help the sprinkle of laughter as she considered his incredible understatement. He was right. Really this was a minor hurdle. "You know what?"
"What?" he was smiling too now, happy to at least have banished the unhappiness from her eyes, however temporarily.
"If I have to be in someone arms right now, someone other than John," she curled her arms around his neck, hoping paradoxically that Kristen was watching her every move, "I'm glad that it's you."
"I'm glad it's me too," he winked at her mischievously, "how about we seal it with a kiss?"
"I'd tell you not to push your luck," she told him casually as she leaned her head on one side, her eyes flickering to where Kristen eyed them curiously, "but it's probably a really good idea."
"Well I'm sure that some of my so-called friends would tell you I've made a career out of pushing my luck," Q murmured before he tipped her chin back with his fingers and pressed his lips softly against hers. "But if it works for you, it works for me."
"It definitely works for me." In the back of her mind, Marlena knew that John might be watching her, but she knew she couldn't be convincing in Kristen's eyes while worrying what John was thinking. Allowing Gene to sweep his lips across hers again, she parted her own lips slightly and buried herself in his kiss, trying to forget all about the fact that John was just across the room.
For Q's part, he had all but forgotten where he even was. The touch and scent of her was bringing back all sorts of memories. Memories that he shouldn't be having right now. Memories that he *couldn't* be having if he wanted to stay sane.
Across the room, John watched Eugene and Marlena part and lean their foreheads together. He felt sick watching them. He knew this was simply a ruse, that it had been *him* she had been kissing this morning. But that didn't make this intense jealousy any less agonizing, the acidic churning in his stomach any less painful.
And yet what could he do? It was him that had created this situation. Now he just had to get though it. But that was easier said than done.
The room was darkened, the only light coming from the orange embers of the dying fire, which bounced off the beautiful cut crystal glass in his hand. Stefano had left earlier for his own solitude. Left him to reflect and steep in his own moroseness.
The brandy helped him toward that goal he reflected, as he splashed another generous helping into his glass. Brandy and revenge. That was all that got him through these achingly long days.
He took another mouthful of the brandy. The thirty year old VSOP burned hotly as it trickled down his throat. Not as hotly though as the hatred that burned in his heart. In his left hand he held a crumpled newspaper clipping. It had been cut from a Parisian newspaper and it was creased and well read. The headline, when translated from the native French, read "Seven Feared Dead in Factory Explosion."
A single tear trickled over his cheek, caressing the scarred skin. He would have his revenge, and when the time came, John Black would know exactly why.
The party was in full swing when Roman and Trudie arrived. Someone had plugged in the jukebox in the corner and there were selections enough to keep the thing playing until midnight. Roman grinned when he saw his brother dancing in the corner with his wife. He was so glad to see them finally, happily married. It seemed that Hope had settled Bo down to an extent which Roman never would have thought possible.
"Looks like your family knows how to have a good time!" Trudie yelled over the din.
"The Irish always love a good excuse for a knees-up," Roman let out a surprised yelp of laughter as his father suddenly proved him right by deciding to teach Eric how to dance a close approximation of an Irish jig.
"Dad!" Sami threw her arms around Roman, her fit of pique at the hospital all but forgotten. "I'm glad you came."
"Wouldn't miss it peanut," he moved back from the hug for an introduction. "Uh, I'd like you to meet my....friend, Trudie Montgomery. Trudie, this is my daughter Samantha."
"But everyone calls me Sami," the attractive young woman extended her hand with a warm smile but Trudie could see the curiosity etched in her pale blue eyes.
"Well, it's nice to meet you Sami," Trudie shook her hand with a smile that she hoped did not belie her own nervousness at meeting Roman's family. He had been sweet enough to introduce her to his parents several days earlier, but this was even more nerve-wracking than that had been.
Thinking oddly that Roman's daughter looked nothing like him she continued, "I've um.....I've heard a lot about you."
"Oh well, you're one up on me then," Sami raised her eyebrows and inclined her head on one side slightly as she measured up this new woman in her father's life. She couldn't help smiling at the brunette though, there was something about her she liked almost immediately.
"Where's your Mom, Sami?" Roman scanned the room for Marlena.
"Um, I think she went to call the baby-sitter and check on the kids," Sami recalled as she looked in the direction of the kitchen. "In fact, there she is now." She pointed to where Marlena was emerging from the private kitchen with Eugene in tow.
"Thanks Peanut, I'll talk to you later," Roman dropped a kiss on her forehead and then he caught Trudie's hand in his own with a rapidly beating heart. "C'mon, I'll introduce you to Doc."
Collecting a drink each as they crossed the room, Roman reflected that he hadn't realized until this moment how important Marlena's approval of his new girlfriend was to him. In the entire time that he had known Marlena, he had barely ever looked at another woman. Marlena had been all he could ever want, and more. But now he was in the foreign situation of dating someone new, someone who was already quite important to him, just as Marlena was still important to him. It seemed almost silly that he so much wanted them to get along but he had no idea how Marlena was going to react to this.
Taking a deep breath and squeezing Trudie's hand tightly, he spoke.
"Marlena?"
She turned around when she heard Roman's voice uttering her name and she found him standing behind her. However, she blinked disconcertedly when she realized that the attractive young woman beside him was actually *with* him.
"Hi Roman," she put her drink down on the table and gave him a heartfelt hug.
"How are you feeling Doc?" he asked softly.
"Oh I've been worse," she answered lightly, trying not to stare too openly at the other woman.
"Uh, I..." he slid one hand behind Trudie's waist and impelled her forward slightly, "I wanted to introduce you to Trudie. She's um.....well..." He stuttered to a stop. How did one tell one's ex-wife that one had a new lover?
"What he means to say is that we're seeing each other....." Trudie laughed, rather touched by Roman's nervousness. This was obviously hard for him and though she was nervous herself, she wanted to try and make it easier for him.
"Yeah," Roman nodded, "that would about cover it." He smiled with a hint of relief as he made the introductions. "Marlena, Trudie Montgomery; Trudie, Marlena Evans."
"Well it's nice to meet you Marlena," Trudie held out her hand, noting that Marlena was slightly taken aback, however hard she was trying to hide it. Obviously the jungle telegraph wasn't well enough developed that it had reported back to her that Roman had a new girlfriend. Oh well she thought impetuously, nothing ventured, nothing gained. "It's really nice to meet you. I've heard a lot of wonderful things about you at work, and from Roman of course," she added as she flashed a smile at her lover.
"At work?" Marlena hated feeling so at a loss but she really hadn't expected this. She didn't know why when she really considered it. Why shouldn't Roman have a new girlfriend? After all, he was a gorgeous man and he had been single for a long time. But she felt oddly deflated at the thought of him seeing someone new. Maybe it was the fact that in all the time since she had met him, he had only ever loved her. She had no claim on his heart any more, she knew that. She didn't *want* any claim on him, anything more than his friendship. And she really did want him to be happy. He deserved that probably more than anyone she knew. It was just unexpected, that was all.
All these thoughts went through her mind so fast that she was barely conscious of thinking them as she shook Trudie's hand, immediately sizing her up. She wanted to see Roman happy but she knew that not just any woman would do for him. Whether Trudie was up to being that woman, Marlena would have to reserve judgement for now.
"Trudie works at the hospital," Roman's voice cut through Marlena's thoughts.
"I'm new in physical therapy," Trudie explained, aware that Marlena was giving her the once over. Not that she could really blame her. The woman obviously cared about Roman and she could relate to that if nothing else. "I'm still finding my way around the hospital."
"Oh," Marlena nodded her head thoughtfully, "you must be working with Heather Williams." She smiled, a hint of warmth sparkling in her eyes at the mention of the petite East Coaster. "University Hospital is lucky to have Heather."
"Oh she's great," Trudie agreed. "I jumped at the chance to work with her." She grinned conspiratorially. "She's a nutcase but she's a lot of fun to work with and she's fantastic at her job."
"She really is," Marlena nodded her head, laughter in her voice at Trudie's description of Heather, "I like her a lot. Unfortunately, as with most of my friends at the hospital, I don't get the chance to catch up with her very often."
"Well perhaps the three of us could get together for lunch one day?" Trudie suggested impulsively. She already liked Marlena, which was odd, she reflected, because Roman's ex-wife was almost intimidatingly beautiful. She had that classic, Hitchcockian ice-goddess quality about her, but Trudie suspected it was tempered by a genuine depth of emotion and a sense of humour which she could quickly warm to.
"I'd like that," Marlena smiled, rubbing her stomach with one hand where the baby had suddenly decided to start some kind of Tae-Bo demonstration.
"Are you okay Doc?" Roman had a flash of concern as he saw the wince of pain from Marlena. In turn she looked slightly surprised and then smiled reticently.
"The baby has apparently decided it's going to be a gold medal kick-boxing champion," she laughed.
"He doesn't like to sleep," Gene had been hanging back in the corner but he had just wanted to make sure she was okay. Leaning over Marlena's shoulder he added confidentially, "stubborn, like his mother."
"Why doesn't that come as a surprise?" Roman replied with a knowing grin.
"Trudie, this is Eugene Bradford, Marlena's.....partner." He didn't want to lie to his new girlfriend but he figured that right now, the fewer people that knew the truth, the safer Marlena was from the wrath of Kristen DiMera.
"Nice to meet you," Eugene stuck his hand over Marlena's shoulder to shake Trudie's hand. "Any friend of Roman's is a friend of ours." As he said the words, Q was struck by the words that Q2 had uttered. We think that one of the defectors is here in Salem and we want you to keep an eye out.... Shaking Trudie's hand, he stared at her closely. The timing was indeed rather co-incidental. What if she was the rebel Q that Q2 had been speaking of? She would certainly be in a prime position to cause trouble if that was the case.
"Gene's right," Marlena nodded, her smile warming as Gene slipped his arm casually yet protectively over her shoulder. "I hope we get the chance to know each other better."
"Plenty of time for that Doc," Roman said happily as he took Trudie's hand in his. "But if you'll excuse us now, I want to introduce this lovely lady to my sister and my wayward brother."
Marlena nodded and watched with a half-smile as Roman led his girlfriend across to where Bo and Hope were teasing Andrew and Shawn-D.
"She seems nice," Gene observed, unwilling to voice suspicions with no proof.
"Mmmmmm," Marlena nodded, suddenly feeling a little tired as she hooked her fingers over the top of Q's forearm and leaned back against him.
"Pretty weird seeing him with someone else huh?" he asked sympathetically. He knew her well enough to guess what was going through her mind right now and he understood how odd it might feel for her.
"Yeah," she agreed quietly. She watched him for a moment longer. "I just want to see him happy Gene. I hurt him so much and I couldn't bear it if he was hurt again."
"Hey, no guilt remember?" Gene prodded her gently. "And Roman's life is his own. It's not something you have any control over."
"I know," she nodded her head slowly as she watched Bo shake Trudie's hand with a thrilled smile. Gene was right. She couldn't protect Roman. She had no right to get involved. She just had to trust that this new woman was right for him. And if she wasn't, that he would know before things got too serious.
The attention of the room focused several moments later on Shawn Brady, as he tapped a beer glass with a spoon.
"Well," he beamed at the assembled group once they had quieted down significantly. "I want to say think you to you all fer bein' here." He glanced over at John who grinned indulgently. "Now you all know I'm not one for speeches," he looked surprised as the gathered Brady's groaned, "well it appears that me own family wouldn't agree," he laughed. "But be as that may, I'd like to say a few words."
Beckoning John over, he put his arm around the younger man's shoulders.
"Now most of you know what we've all been through to get to this point. It's been a.....well....an interesting journey." He grinned at John, whose cheeks reddened as he looked down at the floor bashfully. "At one point, as most of you know, we thought that John was our son. We treated him like a son. We loved him like a son. And you can't switch off that family love, no matter how much you might want to." He looked at John again, his face earnest now. "We've been through some tough times, but as parents, we could never turn our backs on one of our children. And that's what you are to us John. You're as much our son as if you'd been born ours." Folding his arms in front of him, John swallowed uncomfortably. "Oh we know you've tried to distance yourself over the years. Both Caroline and I have seen it. We had to give you the space to do what you needed John." He shrugged self-effacingly. "Maybe you thought to make it easier on us. But I'm tellin' you son, it hasn't worked." His grip on John's shoulder tightened as he spoke. "You are part of this family, whether you like it, or not."
"Shawn, I..." Johnw as looking more embarrassed by the moment. This really wasn't what he had expected at all and he wasn't sure he deserved such compassion from the family he had wronged so badly.
"No John, I want you to listen to me," Bo couldn't help but grin as he heard Shawn slip into lecture mode. "When you were in that operating theater, fighting for your life, we were all at the hospital, hoping, praying that you would pull through. You see, we have let it go too long without telling you what you mean to us. To every one of us." He looked at Caroline and Kimberly and they nodded their affirmation.
"I think everyone here would agree that you are a good man John," Shawn nodded. "Family is important to you. You brought up Carrie and the twins as if they were your own." John saw Caroline's face fall at the mention of Carrie and he felt his own stomach churn. That was something he had still not come to terms with. His inability to protect Carrie from Stefano would haunt him for a long time yet. "You loved those kiddies and you were a wonderful father to them. You looked after our Marlena," John's eyes flickered to where Marlena stood and she met them with her own smoky ones. A brief smile flittered across her face before John looked away. "We couldn't have asked for better." Shawn rambled on, either not sensing, or ignoring John's awkwardness.
"And I know that family is still the most important thing to you. That's what I admire about you son, your loyalty and your integrity. Honesty and love will always stand you in good stead with your family." John was aware of Kristen edging towards him on the other side and he moved slightly so that his back was to her. The last thing he could stomach now was her hanging off his arm when Shawn Brady was talking about honesty and family values. Looking at Marlena again he smiled gently and was rewarded by a return smile that made his heart thump.
"The most important thing to us Brady's is our family. And son, there is enough room for you *and* Roman in this family. We love you both, you're exceptional boys." He looked for Roman and he was rewarded with an appreciative nod and smile from his son. "John, you must know that you are *part* of this family." Shawn smiled warmly and took John's hands in his. "And I'm just glad that we have the chance now to tell you how much we love you and how glad we are to have you with us."
Pulling John into an embrace, Shawn slapped his back.
"Thanks Pop," the endearment was out before John had the chance to bite it back, but to his astonishment, Shawn looked absolutely delighted.
"That's my boy!" he roared with joy as he lifted his beer glass. "I'd like you all to raise your glasses to John and his health."
The room was filled with noise as everyone raised their glasses and toasted John. Grinning and red-faced with self-consciousness, John accepted hugs from Caroline, Kimberly, Hope and Bo before he was called on to reply.
"Well," he nodded his head with an embarrassed laugh, "I don't quite know what to say. I certainly didn't expect this." He looked around the gathered group, his eyes softening as they swept past each family member. He loved this family more than life itself, he would do anything for them. But since Roman had returned he had never really felt like he belonged. He was an intruder, unknown, unwanted. And then after his affair with Marlena, he had felt as though he didn't deserve their love or their compassion.
But now he realized that he had it, whether he deserved it or not. Just as he couldn't stop loving them, they couldn't stop caring about him. He *was* a part of the family in their eyes. No more, but no less than any other part of the family. And it was his responsibility to live up to that love, to repay the trust they had invested in him.
"I do want to say that without your love and support, I wouldn't be the man I am today," his eyes were downcast as he tried to find the words that would adequately explain his feelings. "When I came to Salem, I didn't know who I was, but you saw past that. You accepted me and loved me. For that I'll be forever grateful." His eyes picked out the twins and then Bo. "The past few years have been really tough on all of us. We've had some phenomenally hard struggles. And I know that none of us could have gotten through those without the love and support of those that are here tonight."
He didn't dare look at Marlena again for fear that his feelings would become all too obvious now that all eyes were on him.
"Shawn, you're right. Family is the most important thing we can ever be blessed with on this earth. I think we all need that reminder from time to time." Roughing up Kimberley's hair, he pulled her to him in a hug and she swung her arms around him with a happy laugh. "I want to thank you all for this party. For everything. It means more to me than I could ever say."
"Well then don't say anything bro," Bo teased him with a mock punch. "This is supposed to be a party, not an oratory session. Some of us want to *dance*."
"Hey, no argument from me!" John held up his hand with a hearty chuckle.
"All *right*," Bo pointed to Shawn-D who resurrected the jukebox and then he grabbed Hope's hand. "Let's par-tay!"
Back in the shadows, Kristen fumed irately. John had made it more than obvious that he didn't want to know her when Shawn was blathering about love and family and integrity. And she had seen enough of Marlena ogling John to make her want to throw up. She was sick to death of that woman. Just sick to death.
Marlena was at the bar, getting herself another orange juice, when Trudie joined her. Pouring herself a glass of wine, she looked around curiously.
"Intriguing speech," she raised her eyebrows. "I take it the Brady's have a somewhat interesting past?"
"Oh, you could say that," Marlena nodded with a throaty laugh.
"I might have to get Roman to give me a potted history lesson some time," Trudie mused.
"You like him don't you?" Marlena had caught Trudie looking at Roman during Shawn's speech and it had allayed her fears somewhat.
"I really do," Trudie nodded with a heartfelt smile, "he's a wonderful man."
"Well I certainly haven't seen him this happy in a long time," Marlena confided as she sipped her juice.
"We have a lot of fun," Trudie told her as she watched Roman who was now talking to John. "He makes me laugh a lot and he's a *wonderful* lover." Suddenly realizing who she was talking too, Trudie felt a little embarrassed. But inside her a little voice said what the hell! If she's going to like you, she may as well like the *real* you. "But of course, you'd know that," she added cheekily.
"Uh," Marlena was quite taken aback and didn't know what to say.
"You f*cking *bitch*," Kristen stormed in between the two women, cutting the conversation around them dead. "I saw the way you were eyeing up John. You think you can have him don't you? You think you can just snap your perfect fingers and he'll come running. Well he won't!" Her face was red and the veins in her throat were standing out like cords. Trudie could almost see the blood pulsing through them and part of her almost expected this harridan to explode or something. "I won't LET you take him," Kristen screamed. "He's MINE. You stay away from him do you hear? He's not yours. He'll never be yours. Just keep your filthy hands *off * him."
"Kristen!" John grabbed Kristen's wrist in a vice-like grip. "That's quite enough."
"John I..." Kristen looked surprised, as if she hadn't expected that John would be able to hear what she was saying.
"I said *enough*!" he said angrily as he looked up at Marlena. "I'm sorry, Doc. This won't happen again." Pulling a stunned Kristen with him, he retreated to the back of the pub.
"Wow!" Trudie shook her head in astonishment, "what a *bitch*!"
Blinking, Marlena looked from where John stood berating Kristen, to Trudie. "Yeah, you could say that," she shook her head with some amazement. While part of her was still dwelling on the Kristen incident, another part of her realized she was really starting to like Roman's girlfriend and it surprised her. It wasn't like her to so immediately take to someone, especially in this sort of situation, but she couldn't help liking the girl. There was something about her, maybe it was her honesty and straightforwardness, but she found it quite disarming.
"I'm guessing that he's part of *your* interesting history?" Trudie nodded in John's direction.
"A rather large part," Marlena agreed guilelessly.
"Well if you don't mind me saying so," Trudie took a sip of her wine, "she has a reason to be worried. He's got eyes for one woman in this joint, and it's sure as hell not her."
Any further conversation was waylaid by the arrival of Q and Roman.
"Marlena, are you all right?" Gene asked with an air of concern.
"I'm fine," she nodded.
"Doc-" Roman put his hand on her arm.
"Really, I'm really quite fine. You go and have fun," Marlena smiled at her ex-husband. "I'm sure Trudie wants to find out what a wonderful dancer you are."
"Oh don't tell me you dance too?" Trudie slapped her hand to her forehead. "Is there no end to the man's talents?"
"Marlena exaggerates," Roman laughed as he took Trudie's hand in his. "I'll talk to you later okay Doc?"
"Okay," Marlena nodded, her smile remaining as she watched Roman and Trudie trip onto the dance floor.
"Are you sure you're all right?" Gene asked, his concern unabated.
"Oh stop fussing Gene," Marlena said with a hint of irritation, "you're like an old mother hen sometimes."
"I'm sorry," Q stiffened and took a step backwards. "I didn't mean..."
"Oh Gene," Marlena's shoulders dropped and she swung around, realizing she had hurt him. "I didn't mean that, I'm sorry. But really, I'm okay. Kristen can't hurt me with words, I've heard them all before."
"Well, if you're sure...." His fingers skittered down his cheek. "I'm sorry, I just can't help worrying about you."
"I know," Marlena smiled, slipping her arms around his neck and kissing him gently, "and I love you for it."
"You like her don't you?" Q noted several moments later as Marlena's eyes gravitated to the couple swaying on the dance floor.
"Yeah, I do," she nodded. "She's very nice. I can see why Roman likes her."
"But you don't even know her," Gene argued. "How can you like her already?" He was uneasy about this stranger. It was unlike Marlena to accept someone so easily. Especially someone who was dating Roman. He would have expected a long period of adjustment and misgivings from Marlena before she accepted Trudie.
"Call it intuition," Marlena shrugged as she laid her hands over Gene's which were crossed over her stomach. "There's just something about her I like. She's genuine and Roman needs that."
"I just think that you both need to be careful," Q insisted. "You know nothing about this woman, where she's from...."
"You're sounding paranoid Gene," Marlena laughed his worries off as she tilted her head to look at him. "Kiss me and make it good because Kristen's looking."
Q didn't say anything, but lowered his lips to hers, engaging her in a long, sweet kiss that he almost lost himself in. He had to admit, there were definite upsides to this situation...
Kristen sat by the bar and stared at her orange juice. She had been watching John closely all night and every time he thought she wasn't looking, he had snatched a glance at Marlena. And then during Shawn Brady's nauseating speech Marlena had lit up like a Christmas tree when John had looked in her direction.
It had made Kristen sick to her stomach as she watched Marlena having a wonderful time, oblivious to the fact that her very *being* was making Kristen's life a living hell. She had tried to resist the impulse to go over there and rip Marlena to shreds and it was probably as well John had stopped her when he did because otherwise she might have done something *really* unforgivable.
After he had pulled her away, John had read her the riot act, telling her Marlena didn't deserve her vitriol and that he didn't understand what drove her to be so nasty. What more did he have to do, he asked, to prove to her that he wasn't interested in Marlena anymore? He was living with her, she was having his baby, shouldn't that be proof enough.?
He was remarkably convincing and Kristen had almost believed him for a few minutes.
Since the little scene at the bar earlier, Marlena had done her best to ignore John. She and Eugene were practically joined at the hip and they had spent the whole evening with their arms around each other, even when talking to Roman and his new girlfriend. Now they were alone in the corner, talking intently about something. Not that Kristen could give a shit.
At the moment John was talking to Kimberly and Bo, but there he was again, glancing in Marlena's direction. Kristen took a swig of her orange juice and slammed her glass back on the bar. Maybe there wasn't anything going on between John and Marlena, but John sure as hell *wanted* there to be something going on. That much was plain enough. He could deny it all he wanted, but she was not stupid. She could see what was obvious.
As long as Marlena was in Salem, as long as Marlena was *alive*, whatever Kristen did would not be enough. John would always want his ex-wife more than he wanted her. As he would say, "that's a fact."
Glancing at the bar, she was gripped by a sudden urge, and a quick glance around confirmed that nobody was watching her. Retreating behind the antique bar, she poured herself some more orange juice and then surreptitiously splashed a double vodka into it. Taking a large gulp, she smiled in satisfaction as the warmth of the vodka spilled through her.
From across the room, Gene felt Marlena go rigid as she turned back to him furiously. Coupled with Kristen's earlier outrageous antics, this had her seeing red.
"She's *drinking* Gene. She just poured *vodka* into her glass."
"I know," Gene had seen it too but he knew he couldn't afford to let Marlena challenge Kristen right now. After the earlier incident and as angry as she was, the truth was bound to come flooding out and it would negate any of the progress they might have made tonight.
"I'm going to kill her," Marlena could almost feel her blood pressure rising but she didn't really care. All she knew was that Kristen was possibly putting her baby in danger and she needed to stop it.
"*No*," Q caught her arm firmly as she tried to brush past him, "you're not going over there."
"Let me go Gene," her voice was controlled but he could feel her seething as she faced him.
"No," he shook his head, somewhat stunned in the back of his mind that he was able to stand up to her when she was this angry. "I think you and I should leave right now."
"*Leave*?!" she looked shocked that he would even suggest such a thing. "Gene, that's *my* baby she's feeding alcohol. You want me to just walk away from that?"
"Yes, that's *exactly* what I'm saying," against her will he maneuvered her towards the door and pulled her jacket from the coat stand. "The last thing we can afford now is a confrontation between you two. She *can't* know the truth Marlena. This is bad, but that would make it a hundred times worse."
"I don't *care*," she tried to free herself from his grip, but it was impossible as she found herself almost bodily hustled out of the pub. "Gene-"
"*Don't* argue with me Marlena," he could think of nothing else but getting her as far away from the pub as possible until she cooled down a little. Throwing her coat around her shoulders, he faced her. "Listen to me. I am telling you that she is *dangerous*. And right now there's too much at stake."
Marlena glared at him, her chin trembling with unexpressed anger, but she said nothing.
"Good," his shoulders relaxed slightly, "now let's take a walk and talk about this some more." His relief sounded in his voice.
"Gene, I....." she shook her head, tears in her eyes. "How could she do that? How could she care so little about a child's life and health?"
"I don't know baby," he shook his head as he led her across the courtyard towards the waterfront. "I really don't know."
copyright © 1999-2003 by rjy